Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
In another effort to absolve the Saudi regime of the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, US President Donald Trump now says that the Washington Post journalist was “probably not even a real person anyway.” “Listen, we have no proof that this Jamal Pierogi (sic) guy even existed,” Trump said after the CIA released a report concluding that Khashoggi did exist and...
In an effort to fend off a challenge for her party’s leadership, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has hired Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to advise on putting down an attempted coup d’etat. “Just as I am on the verge of amassing the power I have dreamed of for years, these rebels try to take it all away from me,” Pelosi...
With the CIA concluding that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman ordered the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, the crown prince now claims he had taken Ambien before sending a team to Istanbul to kill the reporter. “I am not a murderer, just an idiot,” bin Salman told The Mideast Beast. “I took an Ambien to fall asleep, and it...
DAMASCUS — Acknowledging that it is her best shot at becoming president, former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced the she will move to Syria and challenge President Bashar al-Assad in the next election. “I gave America two chances to elect me president, and they blew it both times,” Clinton said in press conference announcing her candidacy. “Now, I...
Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American...
Offering the ayatollahs what he called the “ultimate deal,” US President Donald Trump has offered to lift all sanctions against the Islamic Republic of Iran if they agree to keep Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan. Farrakhan, who is visiting Iran, made headlines for leading a “Death to America” chant during his visit. Though Trump had previously promised to ratchet...
HEAVEN — On Thursday evening, God acknowledged that a negotiated settlement to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict “is not in the cards” during his remaining time in power. “While God believes steps can be taken to minimize violence and perhaps set the table for future negotiations, He has determined that a final status agreement is beyond reach for the foreseeable future,” one...
Declaring that the both sides in the dispute need to put the past behind them, Israelis and Palestinians have come together to call for an end to the longstanding conflict between rappers Ja Rule and 50 Cent. The joint plea for peace between the two New York City rappers comes after 50 Cent reignited the feud when he bought 200 front-row...
Reversing its longstanding opposition to capital punishment, the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) ruled that the death penalty is admissible in cases when the defendant does not accept Prophet Muhammed as his or her savior. “While we remain generally opposed to any government ending the lives of even the worst criminals, people who reject the divinity of the Prophet...
In a move aimed at highlighting his commitment to bringing those responsible to justice, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman has hired NFL Hall of Famer OJ Simpson to investigate the killing of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “My primary goal in life is to pursue the real killer or killers of Jamal. They are out there somewhere,” the Saudi leader said...
With Americans divided over a series of mail bombs sent to left-wing political figures, ISIS leaders that greenlit the coordinated bombing campaign are kicking themselves over their failure to also send bombs to Republicans. “How could we forget to make sure our victims were bipartisan?” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi complained. “We got so excited about sending bombs to George...
Walking back its admission that the journalist was killed by Saudi agents inside the country’s consulate in Istanbul, the Saudi government now says Jamal Khashoggi took his own life, then dismembered himself before burying his own remains at the nearby consul general’s house. “Khashoggi had been very depressed due to the shame he felt for insulting the Royal Family in...
In a move aimed at boosting the network’s progressive bona fides, ESPN announced that it has hired former Iranian president and die-hard football fan Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as its new NFL/social justice reporter. The move comes after a series of tweets in which Ahmadinejad – who has denied the Holocaust and claimed that there are no gay Iranians – opined on...
The Islamic State has officially announced its dissolution after scientist Stephen Hawking’s revelation that “there is no God” made the radical Islamist group irrelevant. ISIS, which declared the restoration of the Islamic caliphate in 2014 and has spent the past four years waging a holy war, learned of Hawking’s discovery while reading his recently-published final book. The group initially tried to...
In a shocking turn, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh announced that he has renounced jihad and now supports Zionism after a DNA test revealed that he is nearly 0.1 percent Jewish. Haniyeh now says he will move to Israel, practice Judaism and join the Likud party, a dramatic turnaround for a leader who previously vowed to destroy the Jewish state. He...
The rogue killers who snuck into the Saudi consulate in Istanbul to murder journalist Jamal Khashoggi admitted to being stunned that US President Donald Trump was able to immediately solve the crime despite their attempts to pin it on the Saudi government. “We really thought nobody would suspect us if we chose an outspoken dissident to murder and waited until he...
In what the group’s leaders are calling its boldest attack to date, the Islamic State vowed to completely ignore climate change until it destroys Western civilization. In a chilling video, Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi vowed to do nothing to reduce carbon dioxide emissions despite a recent UN report warning that imminent action is needed to prevent disaster. “Unless...
After finally declaring her intention to vote for Democrats in the 2018 midterms, crossover pop and country star Taylor Swift is expected to shortly announce which side she supports in Syria’s civil war. “In the past I have been reluctant to publicly voice my opinion on Middle Eastern politics, but due to several events in my life and in the...
Bashar al-Assad, the Syrian president and a longtime drinking buddy of recently-confirmed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, said he was surprised that the FBI did not interview him during its investigation of the nominee. “When I heard about the FBI investigation, I made a whole list of hilarious stories of the times we got blackout drunk, abused women and committed...
The UN Relief and Works Agency (UNRWA), an organization established to provide essential services to Palestinian refugees, has responded to US budget cuts by ordering 10 million Donald Trump piñatas, for the refugees to take out their anger on the American president. The agency, which has been criticized for wasting money by perpetuating refugee status across generations, is holding an...
