Nigel Jesuan

 

Elders of Zion Admit “It’s Only a Matter of Time Before Everyone Realizes, We Killed Jeffrey Epstein”

Elders of Zion Admit “It’s Only a Matter of Time Before Everyone Realizes, We Killed Jeffrey Epstein”

The Elders of Zion have expressed concern since conspiracy theories started doing the rounds following the apparent suicide of wealthy American financer Jeffrey Epstein “Obviously, such a wealthy well-connected man accused of serious criminal behavior ‘conveniently’ killing himself ahead of a trial which could have implicated other powerful people has lent itself to conspiracy theorists having a field day”, commented one official for the shadowy organization of ugly-nosed lizard people that control the world. “Sure, everyone’s having a good time...

New Report Shows Osama Bin Laden Was Killed in Accidental ‘Swatting’ Attack

New Report Shows Osama Bin Laden Was Killed in Accidental ‘Swatting’ Attack

Osama bin Laden’s death at the hands of US special forces was actually a freak accident after he was ‘swatted’ during an online gaming competition, a Department of Defense report has revealed. A spokesperson for the DoD confirmed, “The SEAL team located the bin Laden compound and killed  the arch terrorist by sheer fluke. It turns out that Mr. Osama was engaged in an online Call of Duty competition under a false name from his bedroom when a rival gamer...

South Asia Set to Officially Become The ‘New Middle East’

South Asia Set to Officially Become The ‘New Middle East’

As tensions rise between nuclear-armed neighbours India and Pakistan, many international observers are now starting to term the region as the ‘New Middle East’. The new status comes following India’s controversial decision to change the status of the disputed territory of Kashmir, coupled with Pakistan’s feisty response. “A territorial and religious conflict borne out of colonialism, in an exotic part of the world – that pretty much defines the Middle East as we’ve understood it for decades”, one foreign policy...

Jihadists Assumed Hamza bin Laden Died Years Ago

Jihadists Assumed Hamza bin Laden Died Years Ago

Some of the Middle East’s most ardent Jihadists have expressed surprise at the announcement of the death of Hamza bin Laden, the son of 9/11 mastermind Osama, as they had assumed he had been dead for years. “When we’d heard that the Americans had declared Hamza dead, our first question was ‘who’?”, commented one Al Qaeda figure. “It took us a while to work out who they were talking about. Frankly, we hadn’t seen him in years and around these...

Biden’s Faltering Campaign Not Getting Support from Zionist Elders

Biden’s Faltering Campaign Not Getting Support from Zionist Elders

Former Vice-President Joe Biden’s thus-far underwhelming performance in the Democratic Party’s primaries debates is due in large part to his campaign team’s failure to secure support from the Zionist overlords of Hollywood, the world banking system and the DNC, with of course the exception of #thesquad, who are entirely their own type of annoying. “It’s a classic mistake we’ve seen time and time again”, stated one commentator. “A high-flying candidate with solid credentials making that fatal error of failing to...

ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine

ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine

Islamic State is “distraught” that none of their members were represented in the UK Vogue Magazine special edition, guest edited by the former American actress and current member of the British Royal Family, Meghan Markle. “We understand just how inspiring these pop culture magazines are, and with a guest celebrity editor like Meghan being involved, we thought we just had to get in on the action”, one ISIS member commented. “At first we put forward many of our fiercest jihadi...

Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’

Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’

Some of the most ardent fighters of the Islamic State faced disappointment last week on realizing that ‘The Squad’ was not at all what they thought it was. They have since withdrawn their request to join. “For a moment, we thought that this so-called ‘Squad’ was really cool”, one disappointed member of what’s left of the Caliphate said. “We heard that there was this anti-American band of politicians, hell-bent on destroying the United States from the inside in a blaze...

Alabama Chemical Castration Law “Inspiring”, Say Middle Eastern Nations

Alabama Chemical Castration Law “Inspiring”, Say Middle Eastern Nations

In a ringing endorsement bound to get enlightened liberal nations profoundly optimistic about the trajectory of social policy in the United States, some of the Middle East’s most brutal regimes have praised Alabama’s chemical castration law as “inspiring”, saying that they “have every intention of emulating such a form of punishment as soon as possible.” Many of the region’s regimes are looking at introducing the procedure as a form of punishment for multiple crimes, and not just those involving child...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party

Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party

Following a fierce backlash against social media personality Kylie Jenner for her controversially themed Handmaid’s Tale party, an unsuspecting defender has come to her cause. Iran’s Supreme Leader has backed the party and its socialite host as “a rare example of a Western party which professes conservative Sharia values”. A spokesperson for the Islamic Republic’s highest office holder commented further, “as far as party themes go, the submission of women to a theocratic regime and the patriarchal overlords where blind...

Mideast Partakes in Tiananmen Square Massacre Commemoration by Also Staying Silent About Their Human Rights Abuses

Mideast Partakes in Tiananmen Square Massacre Commemoration by Also Staying Silent About Their Human Rights Abuses

The dictatorships of the Middle East have decided to partake in the global commemoration of the Thirty-Year Anniversary of China’s Tiananmen Square Massacre by following China’s lead and staying conspicuously silent about their own human rights violations. The governments of numerous countries, from Turkey and Egypt to Syria and Iran, have joined with China to either stay silent about, or issue apologies for, their past activities in violently repressing political dissent and preventing democratic governance. “At this poignant and difficult...

Trump Decides That London Mayor Is “Definitely Worse Than ISIS, Not As Bad as John McCain”

Trump Decides That London Mayor Is “Definitely Worse Than ISIS, Not As Bad as John McCain”

London Mayor Sadiq Khan has joined an illustrious list of individuals that US President Trump has decided are “the worst people ever”. Following the President’s angry tweet calling the Mayor of London a “stone cold loser“, foreign observers have concluded that Sadiq Khan now ranks high as one of Trump’s most hated individuals. Since issuing his tweet the President has sought to clarify just how bad Mayor Khan is, saying that he is “definitely worse than ISIS, Al-Qaeda, Robert Mueller,...

Netanyahu Promises to Convert to Islam, Name Country ‘Palestine’ to Secure Coalition

Netanyahu Promises to Convert to Islam, Name Country ‘Palestine’ to Secure Coalition

In a desperate last-minute move to avoid another election, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has offered to change his country’s name to Palestine and personally convert to Islam in exchange for coalition support from the Knesset’s (Parliament) Arab parties. Following the news that Netanyahu had promised various political parties desperate concessions, lawmaker Ayman Odeh, who heads one of the Knesset’s Arab parties, joked that that the Israeli premier had promised that Israel would withdraw from territories captured in 1967, repeal the...

Countries Fight over Who Can Have the Most Pointless and Absurd Elections

Countries Fight over Who Can Have the Most Pointless and Absurd Elections

A competition has emerged as to which country can have the most pointless and absurd elections. Last week, the United Kingdom was coming in a strong first place after hosting elections for its representatives in the European Union’s parliament, a body which the country had voted to leave over three years ago. However, following the dramatic news Wednesday night, that Israel would be going to elections just months after their last poll has threatened to supplant the UK. Internal political...

Iran Threatens to Suspend Nuclear Weapons Treaty Clauses “For Purely Peaceful Purposes”

Iran Threatens to Suspend Nuclear Weapons Treaty Clauses “For Purely Peaceful Purposes”

Following Iran’s threats to withdraw from select aspects of the controversial nuclear agreement, the Islamic Republic has insisted, once again, that its nuclear programme is for purely peaceful purposes. “Our decision to keep surplus uranium stocks and further develop our heavy-water nuclear reactor at Arak has nothing whatsoever to do with our relentless war on the Zionists or the Great Satan that is the United States”, one Iranian official said. “Just because these things could be used to create and fuel...

Palestinian Prisoners Threaten Ramadan Hunger Strike

Palestinian Prisoners Threaten Ramadan Hunger Strike

Following the cessation of mass hunger strike plans last month, Palestinian inmates in Israel’s prisons have begun to reinitiate a hunger strike over the course of Ramadan in protest against conditions in their cells. “The fact that the hunger strike is to take place over the month of Ramadan when many devout Palestinians are fasting during daylight hours as per Muslim custom, and that we will only be protesting from about six in the morning until seven in the evening...

Hamas Claim Rockets Are ‘Operator Error’

Hamas Claim Rockets Are ‘Operator Error’

In light of the very “shooty” Israeli response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, Hamas and Islamic Jihad are claiming that hundreds of rockets have been fired “by mistake” and that they are simply “really clumsy.” “This is all one big misunderstanding,” said one terrified Hamas member crouching in an underground tunnel as Israel shelled targets above. “We never meant to fire any rockets. I myself tripped up on a rocket while I was herding sheep. It was lying...

Jesus Would Be “Totally Cool” With Our Climate Change Denial, American Evangelicals Insist

Jesus Would Be “Totally Cool” With Our Climate Change Denial, American Evangelicals Insist

America’s Evangelical Christian community has insisted that Jesus Christ would be on board with their community’s politics which, despite some improvements, has long embraced climate change denial. “We’re confident that the Son of God and the shepherd of the world is going to be totally down with our wilful destruction of said world by supporting politicians who deny scientists’ unanimous conviction in the man-made contributions to climate change”, one spokesperson for the group said. “Firstly, obviously, the rationality of science should...

Following Anti-Semitic Cartoon, Hamas Invites New York Times onto Board of Propaganda

Following Anti-Semitic Cartoon, Hamas Invites New York Times onto Board of Propaganda

In the wake of the backlash following the publication of an allegedly anti-Semitic cartoon by the New York Times, the avowedly anti-Semitic Islamist terror group, Hamas, has issued an open invitation to the newspaper to sit on their board of propaganda. “We never thought we’d be awarding the New York Times such a prestigious role in our organization as we’ve always thought of them pretty Jew-friendly”, Hamas said in an official statement. “But then we saw this masterpiece of anti-Semitism...

As The Philippines Declares War on Canada Over Garbage, Middle East Reconsiders Reasons For Conflict

As The Philippines Declares War on Canada Over Garbage, Middle East Reconsiders Reasons For Conflict

Following Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte’s declared threat to go to war against Canada for the latter’s shipment of tons of garbage to the South East Asian nation, the countries of the Middle East are reconsidering reasons for war. “We’ll be honest with you, a lot of our wars out here have been over pure and simple issues of power and economy”, one al-Qaeda spokesperson said. “Our fight against Western Imperialists has been as much about our opium trade than any...

Middle East Embraces Huawei 5G Network Deal “Just to Piss Off the United States”

Middle East Embraces Huawei 5G Network Deal “Just to Piss Off the United States”

The Arab nations of the Middle East have issued a joint-statement welcoming Huawei, the Chinese communications company, to operate fully within their countries motivated solely by a desire to “piss off the Americans”. The growing ire of the US as nations prove unwilling to listen to their warnings about allowing Huawei, which allegedly has links to Chinese state security services, to operate 5G networks has inspired Middle Eastern nations to welcome Huawei with open arms. “We hereby welcome Huawei to...