Nigel Jesuan

 

Elders of Zion Admit “It’s Only a Matter of Time Before Everyone Realizes, We Killed Jeffrey Epstein”

Elders of Zion Admit “It’s Only a Matter of Time Before Everyone Realizes, We Killed Jeffrey Epstein”

The Elders of Zion have expressed concern since conspiracy theories started doing the rounds following the apparent suicide of wealthy American financer Jeffrey Epstein “Obviously, such a wealthy well-connected man accused of serious criminal behavior ‘conveniently’ killing himself ahead of a trial which could have implicated other powerful people has lent itself to conspiracy theorists having a field day”, commented...

South Asia Set to Officially Become The ‘New Middle East’
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South Asia Set to Officially Become The ‘New Middle East’

As tensions rise between nuclear-armed neighbours India and Pakistan, many international observers are now starting to term the region as the ‘New Middle East’. The new status comes following India’s controversial decision to change the status of the disputed territory of Kashmir, coupled with Pakistan’s feisty response. “A territorial and religious conflict borne out of colonialism, in an exotic part...

Jihadists Assumed Hamza bin Laden Died Years Ago
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Jihadists Assumed Hamza bin Laden Died Years Ago

Some of the Middle East’s most ardent Jihadists have expressed surprise at the announcement of the death of Hamza bin Laden, the son of 9/11 mastermind Osama, as they had assumed he had been dead for years. “When we’d heard that the Americans had declared Hamza dead, our first question was ‘who’?”, commented one Al Qaeda figure. “It took us...

Biden’s Faltering Campaign Not Getting Support from Zionist Elders

Biden’s Faltering Campaign Not Getting Support from Zionist Elders

Former Vice-President Joe Biden’s thus-far underwhelming performance in the Democratic Party’s primaries debates is due in large part to his campaign team’s failure to secure support from the Zionist overlords of Hollywood, the world banking system and the DNC, with of course the exception of #thesquad, who are entirely their own type of annoying. “It’s a classic mistake we’ve seen...

ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine
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ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine

Islamic State is “distraught” that none of their members were represented in the UK Vogue Magazine special edition, guest edited by the former American actress and current member of the British Royal Family, Meghan Markle. “We understand just how inspiring these pop culture magazines are, and with a guest celebrity editor like Meghan being involved, we thought we just had...

Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’
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Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’

Some of the most ardent fighters of the Islamic State faced disappointment last week on realizing that ‘The Squad’ was not at all what they thought it was. They have since withdrawn their request to join. “For a moment, we thought that this so-called ‘Squad’ was really cool”, one disappointed member of what’s left of the Caliphate said. “We heard...

Alabama Chemical Castration Law “Inspiring”, Say Middle Eastern Nations

Alabama Chemical Castration Law “Inspiring”, Say Middle Eastern Nations

In a ringing endorsement bound to get enlightened liberal nations profoundly optimistic about the trajectory of social policy in the United States, some of the Middle East’s most brutal regimes have praised Alabama’s chemical castration law as “inspiring”, saying that they “have every intention of emulating such a form of punishment as soon as possible.” Many of the region’s regimes...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party
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Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party

Following a fierce backlash against social media personality Kylie Jenner for her controversially themed Handmaid’s Tale party, an unsuspecting defender has come to her cause. Iran’s Supreme Leader has backed the party and its socialite host as “a rare example of a Western party which professes conservative Sharia values”. A spokesperson for the Islamic Republic’s highest office holder commented further,...

Mideast Partakes in Tiananmen Square Massacre Commemoration by Also Staying Silent About Their Human Rights Abuses

Mideast Partakes in Tiananmen Square Massacre Commemoration by Also Staying Silent About Their Human Rights Abuses

The dictatorships of the Middle East have decided to partake in the global commemoration of the Thirty-Year Anniversary of China’s Tiananmen Square Massacre by following China’s lead and staying conspicuously silent about their own human rights violations. The governments of numerous countries, from Turkey and Egypt to Syria and Iran, have joined with China to either stay silent about, or...

Netanyahu Promises to Convert to Islam, Name Country ‘Palestine’ to Secure Coalition

Netanyahu Promises to Convert to Islam, Name Country ‘Palestine’ to Secure Coalition

In a desperate last-minute move to avoid another election, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has offered to change his country’s name to Palestine and personally convert to Islam in exchange for coalition support from the Knesset’s (Parliament) Arab parties. Following the news that Netanyahu had promised various political parties desperate concessions, lawmaker Ayman Odeh, who heads one of the Knesset’s...

Countries Fight over Who Can Have the Most Pointless and Absurd Elections

Countries Fight over Who Can Have the Most Pointless and Absurd Elections

A competition has emerged as to which country can have the most pointless and absurd elections. Last week, the United Kingdom was coming in a strong first place after hosting elections for its representatives in the European Union’s parliament, a body which the country had voted to leave over three years ago. However, following the dramatic news Wednesday night, that...

Iran Threatens to Suspend Nuclear Weapons Treaty Clauses “For Purely Peaceful Purposes”
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Iran Threatens to Suspend Nuclear Weapons Treaty Clauses “For Purely Peaceful Purposes”

Following Iran’s threats to withdraw from select aspects of the controversial nuclear agreement, the Islamic Republic has insisted, once again, that its nuclear programme is for purely peaceful purposes. “Our decision to keep surplus uranium stocks and further develop our heavy-water nuclear reactor at Arak has nothing whatsoever to do with our relentless war on the Zionists or the Great...

Palestinian Prisoners Threaten Ramadan Hunger Strike

Palestinian Prisoners Threaten Ramadan Hunger Strike

Following the cessation of mass hunger strike plans last month, Palestinian inmates in Israel’s prisons have begun to reinitiate a hunger strike over the course of Ramadan in protest against conditions in their cells. “The fact that the hunger strike is to take place over the month of Ramadan when many devout Palestinians are fasting during daylight hours as per...

Hamas Claim Rockets Are ‘Operator Error’
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Hamas Claim Rockets Are ‘Operator Error’

In light of the very “shooty” Israeli response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, Hamas and Islamic Jihad are claiming that hundreds of rockets have been fired “by mistake” and that they are simply “really clumsy.” “This is all one big misunderstanding,” said one terrified Hamas member crouching in an underground tunnel as Israel shelled targets above. “We never...

Jesus Would Be “Totally Cool” With Our Climate Change Denial, American Evangelicals Insist

Jesus Would Be “Totally Cool” With Our Climate Change Denial, American Evangelicals Insist

America’s Evangelical Christian community has insisted that Jesus Christ would be on board with their community’s politics which, despite some improvements, has long embraced climate change denial. “We’re confident that the Son of God and the shepherd of the world is going to be totally down with our wilful destruction of said world by supporting politicians who deny scientists’ unanimous conviction...