Nigel Jesuan

 

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

Preparations for Islamist Thanksgiving are well underway in ISIS-controlled territory. It is understood that all martyrs and fighters will be referred to as ‘pilgrims’ to help get everyone in the festive spirit. “It’s a real bummer we lost Raqqa last month since we had a huge parade planned for the city”, commented an ISIS official party planner. “We’d already started importing all the giant balloons of famous jihadists and radical preachers into the city so we had to leave them...

Mugabe disinvited from ‘Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball

Mugabe disinvited from ‘Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball

Zimbabwe’s long-time president, Robert Mugabe, has had his invitation to the exclusive Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball withdrawn, accompanied by an apology from the organizers for what they termed an “administrative error”. “It is with regret that we must withdraw Mr. Mugabe’s invitation to this year’s event”, said a spokesperson. “We mistakenly sent an invite to Mr. Mugabe without properly assessing his eligibility. On closer inspection, we found that his status as ‘overthrown dictator’ is not yet finalized and...

Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code

Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code

The Mideast Beast can exclusively reveal that the world-renowned Israeli intelligence agency, the Mossad, has plans to up its game and improve its spying capabilities by using new and innovative intelligence methods, including using Pig Latin as its new secret code. “We’ve been slacking lately”, a source told The Mideast Beast. “We haven’t really made any progress on the covert intelligence front for a few years now and most of our complex algorithms have been cracked by Iranian or Russian...

Bribery Concerns as Qatar Set to Host Every Major Sporting Event for 100 Years

Bribery Concerns as Qatar Set to Host Every Major Sporting Event for 100 Years

Suspicions of bribery have been raised following the news that Qatar is set to host every major international sporting event for the next century. “It was one thing getting to host the FIFA World Cup in 2022, but also hosting the FIBA World Cup, Olympics, Paralympics, Rugby World Cup, World Baseball, Ryder Cup, all the Grand Slams and countless other events for the next 100 years really does suggest something might be going on”, admitted a source from the FBI....

Trump Claims IQ test Needed to Solve Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Trump Claims IQ test Needed to Solve Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

President Trump has launched a novel approach the Middle East peace process with the suggestion that the major negotiation sticking points between Israelis and Palestinians could be solved in a winner-take-all IQ test. “Winners in the Mideast should be decided by IQ test. Netanyahu and Abbas must compete. SMARTEST guy gets Jerusalem. The other doesn’t – SAD!”, Trump tweeted late Wednesday night. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson – who has himself been challenged by Trump to take an IQ test...

ISIS Claims Responsibility for Killing JFK

ISIS Claims Responsibility for Killing JFK

Following the release of some of the juiciest files on the assassination of President John F Kennedy, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has appeared to incriminate his own organization by claiming that ISIS was behind the attack. “Lee Harvey Oswald was a soldier of Islamic State. He assassinated JFK in a pre-emptive revenge attack, in anticipation of US military aggression in the region”, Baghdadi said. “We killed him nearly fifty years before the Caliphate was founded because that’s just how we roll...

Bored Hezbollah Units Plan Attack on Cyprus to Pass the Time

Bored Hezbollah Units Plan Attack on Cyprus to Pass the Time

Following a decade-long hiatus of the prolonged war with its sexy southern neighbor, Israel, the armed Lebanese militia has been anxious to get some action. “Not all of us have joined the pro-Assad forces in Syria”, one unit commander told The Mideast Beast. “For those of us left behind it’s getting kind of boring. We’ve been waiting years for orders to attack the Israelis but we’ve heard zilch. So, we thought, to pass the time, we’d exercise our muscles a...

Israel Tried to Coax Palestinians Into Signing up to Lame Organizations to Distract Them From Joining Interpol

Israel Tried to Coax Palestinians Into Signing up to Lame Organizations to Distract Them From Joining Interpol

In anticipation of the Palestinians’ successful bid to become a member of the International Police Organization, Interpol, Israel has tried to coax them into signing up to other intergovernmental bodies instead. “We thought that if they could be enticed by invitations to join lame groups nobody could give a shit about they might get distracted and drop the whole Interpol thing”, one Israeli official said. A Palestinian Authority spokesperson commented that this explains the strange letters he had received. “We...