Nigel Jesuan

 

Mideast Partakes in Tiananmen Square Massacre Commemoration by Also Staying Silent About Their Human Rights Abuses

Mideast Partakes in Tiananmen Square Massacre Commemoration by Also Staying Silent About Their Human Rights Abuses

The dictatorships of the Middle East have decided to partake in the global commemoration of the Thirty-Year Anniversary of China’s Tiananmen Square Massacre by following China’s lead and staying conspicuously silent about their own human rights violations. The governments of numerous countries, from Turkey and Egypt to Syria and Iran, have joined with China to either stay silent about, or issue apologies for, their past activities in violently repressing political dissent and preventing democratic governance. “At this poignant and difficult...

Trump Decides That London Mayor Is “Definitely Worse Than ISIS, Not As Bad as John McCain”

Trump Decides That London Mayor Is “Definitely Worse Than ISIS, Not As Bad as John McCain”

London Mayor Sadiq Khan has joined an illustrious list of individuals that US President Trump has decided are “the worst people ever”. Following the President’s angry tweet calling the Mayor of London a “stone cold loser“, foreign observers have concluded that Sadiq Khan now ranks high as one of Trump’s most hated individuals. Since issuing his tweet the President has sought to clarify just how bad Mayor Khan is, saying that he is “definitely worse than ISIS, Al-Qaeda, Robert Mueller,...

Netanyahu Promises to Convert to Islam, Name Country ‘Palestine’ to Secure Coalition

Netanyahu Promises to Convert to Islam, Name Country ‘Palestine’ to Secure Coalition

In a desperate last-minute move to avoid another election, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has offered to change his country’s name to Palestine and personally convert to Islam in exchange for coalition support from the Knesset’s (Parliament) Arab parties. Following the news that Netanyahu had promised various political parties desperate concessions, lawmaker Ayman Odeh, who heads one of the Knesset’s Arab parties, joked that that the Israeli premier had promised that Israel would withdraw from territories captured in 1967, repeal the...

Countries Fight over Who Can Have the Most Pointless and Absurd Elections

Countries Fight over Who Can Have the Most Pointless and Absurd Elections

A competition has emerged as to which country can have the most pointless and absurd elections. Last week, the United Kingdom was coming in a strong first place after hosting elections for its representatives in the European Union’s parliament, a body which the country had voted to leave over three years ago. However, following the dramatic news Wednesday night, that Israel would be going to elections just months after their last poll has threatened to supplant the UK. Internal political...

Iran Threatens to Suspend Nuclear Weapons Treaty Clauses “For Purely Peaceful Purposes”

Iran Threatens to Suspend Nuclear Weapons Treaty Clauses “For Purely Peaceful Purposes”

Following Iran’s threats to withdraw from select aspects of the controversial nuclear agreement, the Islamic Republic has insisted, once again, that its nuclear programme is for purely peaceful purposes. “Our decision to keep surplus uranium stocks and further develop our heavy-water nuclear reactor at Arak has nothing whatsoever to do with our relentless war on the Zionists or the Great Satan that is the United States”, one Iranian official said. “Just because these things could be used to create and fuel...

Palestinian Prisoners Threaten Ramadan Hunger Strike

Palestinian Prisoners Threaten Ramadan Hunger Strike

Following the cessation of mass hunger strike plans last month, Palestinian inmates in Israel’s prisons have begun to reinitiate a hunger strike over the course of Ramadan in protest against conditions in their cells. “The fact that the hunger strike is to take place over the month of Ramadan when many devout Palestinians are fasting during daylight hours as per Muslim custom, and that we will only be protesting from about six in the morning until seven in the evening...

Hamas Claim Rockets Are ‘Operator Error’

Hamas Claim Rockets Are ‘Operator Error’

In light of the very “shooty” Israeli response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, Hamas and Islamic Jihad are claiming that hundreds of rockets have been fired “by mistake” and that they are simply “really clumsy.” “This is all one big misunderstanding,” said one terrified Hamas member crouching in an underground tunnel as Israel shelled targets above. “We never meant to fire any rockets. I myself tripped up on a rocket while I was herding sheep. It was lying...

Jesus Would Be “Totally Cool” With Our Climate Change Denial, American Evangelicals Insist

Jesus Would Be “Totally Cool” With Our Climate Change Denial, American Evangelicals Insist

America’s Evangelical Christian community has insisted that Jesus Christ would be on board with their community’s politics which, despite some improvements, has long embraced climate change denial. “We’re confident that the Son of God and the shepherd of the world is going to be totally down with our wilful destruction of said world by supporting politicians who deny scientists’ unanimous conviction in the man-made contributions to climate change”, one spokesperson for the group said. “Firstly, obviously, the rationality of science should...

Following Anti-Semitic Cartoon, Hamas Invites New York Times onto Board of Propaganda

Following Anti-Semitic Cartoon, Hamas Invites New York Times onto Board of Propaganda

In the wake of the backlash following the publication of an allegedly anti-Semitic cartoon by the New York Times, the avowedly anti-Semitic Islamist terror group, Hamas, has issued an open invitation to the newspaper to sit on their board of propaganda. “We never thought we’d be awarding the New York Times such a prestigious role in our organization as we’ve always thought of them pretty Jew-friendly”, Hamas said in an official statement. “But then we saw this masterpiece of anti-Semitism...

As The Philippines Declares War on Canada Over Garbage, Middle East Reconsiders Reasons For Conflict

As The Philippines Declares War on Canada Over Garbage, Middle East Reconsiders Reasons For Conflict

Following Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte’s declared threat to go to war against Canada for the latter’s shipment of tons of garbage to the South East Asian nation, the countries of the Middle East are reconsidering reasons for war. “We’ll be honest with you, a lot of our wars out here have been over pure and simple issues of power and economy”, one al-Qaeda spokesperson said. “Our fight against Western Imperialists has been as much about our opium trade than any...

Middle East Embraces Huawei 5G Network Deal “Just to Piss Off the United States”

Middle East Embraces Huawei 5G Network Deal “Just to Piss Off the United States”

The Arab nations of the Middle East have issued a joint-statement welcoming Huawei, the Chinese communications company, to operate fully within their countries motivated solely by a desire to “piss off the Americans”. The growing ire of the US as nations prove unwilling to listen to their warnings about allowing Huawei, which allegedly has links to Chinese state security services, to operate 5G networks has inspired Middle Eastern nations to welcome Huawei with open arms. “We hereby welcome Huawei to...

Jewish Conspirators Promise to Cut down on Number of Children Killed to Bake Their Matza This Passover

Jewish Conspirators Promise to Cut down on Number of Children Killed to Bake Their Matza This Passover

The Jewish conspirators who control the media, banks, Hollywood, the lizard people and the whole entire world have issued a surprise statement declaring that they will be dramatically reducing the number of children killed while baking matza this Passover. “This Passover, we’re making a concerted effort to kill fewer children in order to harvest their blood for matza baking”, Elders of Zion spokesman Israel Goldstein said. “Like, this is the 21stcentury. It’s just such a barbaric practice that’s simply unsuitable...

Israel Prepares National Face-Palm Awaiting Netanyahu’s Desperate Racist Remark This Election Day

Israel Prepares National Face-Palm Awaiting Netanyahu’s Desperate Racist Remark This Election Day

The citizens of Israel are, with baited breath, collectively preparing their national face-palm in light of this year’s upcoming election day and the anticipated desperate and racist remark to be issued by the country’s incumbent premier, Binyamin Netanyahu. The national anticipation of global mockery and criticism aimed at the state of Israel’s democratic discourse is not unfounded as Netanyahu had previously commented on the day of the last general election that “Arab voters are coming out in droves” in a...

Middle East Outraged at Brunei Anti-Gay Legislation for “Stealing Their Thunder”

Middle East Outraged at Brunei Anti-Gay Legislation for “Stealing Their Thunder”

When Brunei announced strict anti-gay legislation, which would have homosexual acts (not to mention adultery) punishable by stoning to death, Middle Eastern nations expressed outrage that they were being “out-medievaled” by an obscure little south-east Asian kingdom. “Being totally medieval about homosexuality and various other progressive causes has been our brand for centuries. We made anti-gay laws what they are today”, said one spokesperson for the Saudi Arabian government. “Now all of a sudden ‘Little Brunei’ announces they’re in on...

Extremists Worldwide Overjoyed That “You Can Hate Pretty Much Everyone” Following Former London Mayor Remarks

Extremists Worldwide Overjoyed That “You Can Hate Pretty Much Everyone” Following Former London Mayor Remarks

Extremists and terror groups worldwide ranging from ISIS and al-Qaeda to the IRA and Israel’s Kahanists have been celebrating following former Mayor of London and prominent ex-Labour party politician Ken Livingstone’s remark that “it’s not anti-Semitic to hate the Jews of Israel”. The groups are overjoyed that “you can hate pretty much everyone now” and are publishing a new guidebook to racism in honour of the outspoken Jeremy Corbyn ally. “It’s simply the best thing that’s happened since slavery”, one...

Theresa May Considers Turning Britain Into A Dictatorship

Theresa May Considers Turning Britain Into A Dictatorship

A frustrated Theresa May is considering turning her country into a dictatorship, saying that she “simply doesn’t even care anymore and neither does the British public”. The UK Prime Minister has faced historic defeats in Parliament over her Brexit deal as Britain attempts to leave the European Union while her own party has been relentlessly trying to oust her from her position. She has since decided that she “just might as well give up on this democracy thing.” “Look, the...

Netanyahu Demands That Robert Mueller Be Appointed to Investigate Corruption Charges

Netanyahu Demands That Robert Mueller Be Appointed to Investigate Corruption Charges

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced that he would like Special Counsel investigator Robert Mueller to lead a special prosecution case into the various corruption charges currently being levelled against him. The Israeli premier, who is set to face indictment on corruption charges dependent on a pre-trial hearing, made the announcement almost immediately after Mueller’s report concluded that US President Donald Trump did not collude with Russia during the 2016 election as had previously been alleged. Official spokesmen from...

Waqf Insists That Palestinian Temple Mount Rioters Are Just In “Purim Fancy Dress”

Waqf Insists That Palestinian Temple Mount Rioters Are Just In “Purim Fancy Dress”

The Jordanian Waqf, the Islamic body that administers Jerusalem’s Temple Mount complex, has insisted that the balaclava-donning Palestinian youths armed with rocks and Molotov cocktails gathering at the site are simply engaging in “harmless Purim fancy dress”. In anticipation of another crackdown in Muslim areas of the Old City by the Israeli Army, the Waqf has sought to downplay reports that groups of young Palestinians are once again seeking to cause bedlam by hurling rocks and bombs at Israeli soldiers....

Jeremy Corbyn Announces His 2020 Presidential Bid for the Democratic Party

Jeremy Corbyn Announces His 2020 Presidential Bid for the Democratic Party

Jeremy Corbyn, the head of the UK’s Labour Party, has announced that he intends to campaign to be the US Democratic presidential candidate for 2020. “Obviously, my initial instinct was very much that I would never run to be president of imperialist America, but then when I saw how close Bernie Sanders and his democratic socialism got to winning for 2016 I started to rethink things. But only now do I realize that I really can find a political home...

Israelis and Palestinians support No Deal Brexit

Israelis and Palestinians support No Deal Brexit

In a surprise intervention into the Brexit debate ahead of Britain’s expected departure from the European Union, senior Israeli and Palestinian officials have come out in support of a No Deal scenario. “Everyone talks about how a No Deal is such a terrible idea, but not having a recognized treaty or agreement is really not all that bad”, said one Israeli official. “We haven’t had a deal with the Palestinians or most of our neighbors in the Middle East since,...