Nigel Jesuan

 

Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code

Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code

The Mideast Beast can exclusively reveal that the world-renowned Israeli intelligence agency, the Mossad, has plans to up its game and improve its spying capabilities by using new and innovative intelligence methods, including using Pig Latin as its new secret code. “We’ve been slacking lately”, a source told The Mideast Beast. “We haven’t really made any progress on the covert intelligence front for a few years now and most of our complex algorithms have been cracked by Iranian or Russian...

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved for years”, admitted al-Zawahiri in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Osama was a household name across much of the world. Everyone talked about him and...

Evangelicals Impatient That Israel Still Hasn’t Brought About the Second Coming

Evangelicals Impatient That Israel Still Hasn’t Brought About the Second Coming

America’s Evangelical Christian Zionists are growing impatient that the prophecy foretelling the mass conversion of the Jews in Israel and the Second Coming of Christ is yet to be fulfilled. “Our support for Israel is unshakeable,” one Christian Zionist from Dallas told The Mideast Beast, “but if those Israelis don’t see the light of Jesus and convert to Christianity en masse soon then we’re going to have to reconsider the whole Zionism thing. Of course, we weren’t expecting it to...

Israeli and Palestinian Officials Re-enact ‘The Hangover’ Movies for Peacebuilding Initiative

Israeli and Palestinian Officials Re-enact ‘The Hangover’ Movies for Peacebuilding Initiative

Israeli and Palestinian officials are undertaking new peacebuilding exercises modeled on The Hangover movies as part of a initiative to restart peace talks. “Camp David didn’t produce the breakthrough we wanted. So, we’ve ditched the presidential country retreat and opted for some epic action in Vegas and Bangkok instead. At least when these efforts spectacularly backfire we’ll have had a proper vacation out of it”, said one Israeli official behind the initiative. One commentator has termed the initiative “wildly racist,...

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

In an attempt to regain some of the attention which has dissipated to ISIS in recent years, Al Qaeda is set to publish a provocatively titled new fighting manual and will be hosting their first book launch next week. Entitled “Fifty Shades of Jihad”, the manual is marketed as a “guide for both the expert and the uninitiated in the world of radical Islamism” and is said to “encompass all the intricate and often sensual facets of Quranic-inspired terrorism”. A...

In Compromise, US Embassy Moves From Tel Aviv to Cyprus

In Compromise, US Embassy Moves From Tel Aviv to Cyprus

In a decision which has thus far pleased absolutely nobody, the United States has moved its embassy from Tel Aviv to Cyprus in what American officials termed “the best compromise we could come up with.” “For decades now, we’ve been telling the Israelis that we’re going to move our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem”, explained one official. “President Trump didn’t seem to realize that this is just the kind of thing we say but don’t really mean. Like when...

Palestinian President Abbas finds himself in Machu Picchu

Palestinian President Abbas finds himself in Machu Picchu

The President of the Palestinian Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, is giving himself a “well-deserved break” according to officials and is hiking in the Peruvian mountains around the famous tourist attraction and Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. “I just needed to find myself, man”, Mahmoud Abbas said in a statement. “Like, so much war and bloodshed at home. Why? Like, we’re all human. What even is Palestine? What even is Israel? And who am I? All I know is that my spirit animal...

Global Disappointment as Trump Appears Capable of Writing 280 Character Tweets

Global Disappointment as Trump Appears Capable of Writing 280 Character Tweets

Despite criticism of Twitter’s decision to double their character limit, there was also widespread hope that 280 characters would be too much for President Trump. Despite declaring himself as having “the best words”, Trump is noted for having a short attention span and being particularly inarticulate, leading many to believe that 280 whole characters might be a stretch too far for the leader of the free world. However, there has been a near-universal disappointment and some surprise at Trump’s ability...

Hamas Terror Tunnel Project Delays Explained by Big Dig Contractors

Hamas Terror Tunnel Project Delays Explained by Big Dig Contractors

It has transpired that Hamas’ terror tunnel network project’s numerous setbacks and delays can be explained by the Islamist group using the same contractors who worked on the so-called ‘Big Dig’ project in Boston in the 1990s and 2000s. The planning and development officials who had managed the controversial American highway development had been hired by Hamas in what has been termed by one Gazan official as “the biggest fuck up we’ve ever made, and we’ve made some pretty big...

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

Preparations for Islamist Thanksgiving are well underway in ISIS-controlled territory. It is understood that all martyrs and fighters will be referred to as ‘pilgrims’ to help get everyone in the festive spirit. “It’s a real bummer we lost Raqqa last month since we had a huge parade planned for the city”, commented an ISIS official party planner. “We’d already started importing all the giant balloons of famous jihadists and radical preachers into the city so we had to leave them...

Mugabe disinvited from ‘Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball

Mugabe disinvited from ‘Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball

Zimbabwe’s long-time president, Robert Mugabe, has had his invitation to the exclusive Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball withdrawn, accompanied by an apology from the organizers for what they termed an “administrative error”. “It is with regret that we must withdraw Mr. Mugabe’s invitation to this year’s event”, said a spokesperson. “We mistakenly sent an invite to Mr. Mugabe without properly assessing his eligibility. On closer inspection, we found that his status as ‘overthrown dictator’ is not yet finalized and...

Bribery Concerns as Qatar Set to Host Every Major Sporting Event for 100 Years

Bribery Concerns as Qatar Set to Host Every Major Sporting Event for 100 Years

Suspicions of bribery have been raised following the news that Qatar is set to host every major international sporting event for the next century. “It was one thing getting to host the FIFA World Cup in 2022, but also hosting the FIBA World Cup, Olympics, Paralympics, Rugby World Cup, World Baseball, Ryder Cup, all the Grand Slams and countless other events for the next 100 years really does suggest something might be going on”, admitted a source from the FBI....

Trump Claims IQ test Needed to Solve Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Trump Claims IQ test Needed to Solve Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

President Trump has launched a novel approach the Middle East peace process with the suggestion that the major negotiation sticking points between Israelis and Palestinians could be solved in a winner-take-all IQ test. “Winners in the Mideast should be decided by IQ test. Netanyahu and Abbas must compete. SMARTEST guy gets Jerusalem. The other doesn’t – SAD!”, Trump tweeted late Wednesday night. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson – who has himself been challenged by Trump to take an IQ test...

ISIS Claims Responsibility for Killing JFK

ISIS Claims Responsibility for Killing JFK

Following the release of some of the juiciest files on the assassination of President John F Kennedy, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has appeared to incriminate his own organization by claiming that ISIS was behind the attack. “Lee Harvey Oswald was a soldier of Islamic State. He assassinated JFK in a pre-emptive revenge attack, in anticipation of US military aggression in the region”, Baghdadi said. “We killed him nearly fifty years before the Caliphate was founded because that’s just how we roll...

Bored Hezbollah Units Plan Attack on Cyprus to Pass the Time

Bored Hezbollah Units Plan Attack on Cyprus to Pass the Time

Following a decade-long hiatus of the prolonged war with its sexy southern neighbor, Israel, the armed Lebanese militia has been anxious to get some action. “Not all of us have joined the pro-Assad forces in Syria”, one unit commander told The Mideast Beast. “For those of us left behind it’s getting kind of boring. We’ve been waiting years for orders to attack the Israelis but we’ve heard zilch. So, we thought, to pass the time, we’d exercise our muscles a...

Israel Tried to Coax Palestinians Into Signing up to Lame Organizations to Distract Them From Joining Interpol

Israel Tried to Coax Palestinians Into Signing up to Lame Organizations to Distract Them From Joining Interpol

In anticipation of the Palestinians’ successful bid to become a member of the International Police Organization, Interpol, Israel has tried to coax them into signing up to other intergovernmental bodies instead. “We thought that if they could be enticed by invitations to join lame groups nobody could give a shit about they might get distracted and drop the whole Interpol thing”, one Israeli official said. A Palestinian Authority spokesperson commented that this explains the strange letters he had received. “We...