PESHAWAR — Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden over 10 years ago, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved...
Some of the most ardent fighters of what’s left of Islamic State recently faced disappointment after realizing that ‘The Squad’ was not at all what they thought it was. They have since withdrawn their request to join. “For a moment, we thought that this so-called ‘Squad’ was pretty cool”, one disappointed IS member noted, while sitting somberly on the last remaining...
America’s Evangelical Christian Zionists are growing impatient that the prophecy foretelling the mass conversion of the Jews in Israel and the Second Coming of Christ is yet to be fulfilled. “Our support for Israel is unshakeable,” one Christian Zionist from Dallas told The Mideast Beast, “but if those Israelis don’t see the light of Jesus and convert to Christianity en...
America’s Evangelical Christian community has insisted that Jesus Christ would be on board with their community’s politics which, despite some improvements, has long embraced climate change denial. “We’re confident that the Son of God and the shepherd of the world is going to be totally down with our wilful destruction of said world by supporting politicians who deny scientists’ unanimous conviction...
The Elders of Zion have expressed concern since conspiracy theories started doing the rounds following the apparent suicide of wealthy American financer Jeffrey Epstein “Obviously, such a wealthy well-connected man accused of serious criminal behavior ‘conveniently’ killing himself ahead of a trial which could have implicated other powerful people has lent itself to conspiracy theorists having a field day”, commented...
Osama bin Laden’s death at the hands of US special forces was actually a freak accident after he was ‘swatted’ during an online gaming competition, a Department of Defense report has revealed. A spokesperson for the DoD confirmed, “The SEAL team located the bin Laden compound and killed the arch terrorist by sheer fluke. It turns out that Mr. Osama...
As tensions rise between nuclear-armed neighbours India and Pakistan, many international observers are now starting to term the region as the ‘New Middle East’. The new status comes following India’s controversial decision to change the status of the disputed territory of Kashmir, coupled with Pakistan’s feisty response. “A territorial and religious conflict borne out of colonialism, in an exotic part...
Some of the Middle East’s most ardent Jihadists have expressed surprise at the announcement of the death of Hamza bin Laden, the son of 9/11 mastermind Osama, as they had assumed he had been dead for years. “When we’d heard that the Americans had declared Hamza dead, our first question was ‘who’?”, commented one Al Qaeda figure. “It took us...
Former Vice-President Joe Biden’s thus-far underwhelming performance in the Democratic Party’s primaries debates is due in large part to his campaign team’s failure to secure support from the Zionist overlords of Hollywood, the world banking system and the DNC, with of course the exception of #thesquad, who are entirely their own type of annoying. “It’s a classic mistake we’ve seen...
Islamic State is “distraught” that none of their members were represented in the UK Vogue Magazine special edition, guest edited by the former American actress and current member of the British Royal Family, Meghan Markle. “We understand just how inspiring these pop culture magazines are, and with a guest celebrity editor like Meghan being involved, we thought we just had...
In a ringing endorsement bound to get enlightened liberal nations profoundly optimistic about the trajectory of social policy in the United States, some of the Middle East’s most brutal regimes have praised Alabama’s chemical castration law as “inspiring”, saying that they “have every intention of emulating such a form of punishment as soon as possible.” Many of the region’s regimes...
Following a fierce backlash against social media personality Kylie Jenner for her controversially themed Handmaid’s Tale party, an unsuspecting defender has come to her cause. Iran’s Supreme Leader has backed the party and its socialite host as “a rare example of a Western party which professes conservative Sharia values”. A spokesperson for the Islamic Republic’s highest office holder commented further,...
The dictatorships of the Middle East have decided to partake in the global commemoration of the Thirty-Year Anniversary of China’s Tiananmen Square Massacre by following China’s lead and staying conspicuously silent about their own human rights violations. The governments of numerous countries, from Turkey and Egypt to Syria and Iran, have joined with China to either stay silent about, or...
London Mayor Sadiq Khan has joined an illustrious list of individuals that US President Trump has decided are “the worst people ever”. Following the President’s angry tweet calling the Mayor of London a “stone cold loser“, foreign observers have concluded that Sadiq Khan now ranks high as one of Trump’s most hated individuals. Since issuing his tweet the President has...
In a desperate last-minute move to avoid another election, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has offered to change his country’s name to Palestine and personally convert to Islam in exchange for coalition support from the Knesset’s (Parliament) Arab parties. Following the news that Netanyahu had promised various political parties desperate concessions, lawmaker Ayman Odeh, who heads one of the Knesset’s...
A competition has emerged as to which country can have the most pointless and absurd elections. Last week, the United Kingdom was coming in a strong first place after hosting elections for its representatives in the European Union’s parliament, a body which the country had voted to leave over three years ago. However, following the dramatic news Wednesday night, that...
Following Iran’s threats to withdraw from select aspects of the controversial nuclear agreement, the Islamic Republic has insisted, once again, that its nuclear programme is for purely peaceful purposes. “Our decision to keep surplus uranium stocks and further develop our heavy-water nuclear reactor at Arak has nothing whatsoever to do with our relentless war on the Zionists or the Great...
Following the cessation of mass hunger strike plans last month, Palestinian inmates in Israel’s prisons have begun to reinitiate a hunger strike over the course of Ramadan in protest against conditions in their cells. “The fact that the hunger strike is to take place over the month of Ramadan when many devout Palestinians are fasting during daylight hours as per...
In light of the very “shooty” Israeli response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, Hamas and Islamic Jihad are claiming that hundreds of rockets have been fired “by mistake” and that they are simply “really clumsy.” “This is all one big misunderstanding,” said one terrified Hamas member crouching in an underground tunnel as Israel shelled targets above. “We never...
In the wake of the backlash following the publication of an allegedly anti-Semitic cartoon by the New York Times, the avowedly anti-Semitic Islamist terror group, Hamas, has issued an open invitation to the newspaper to sit on their board of propaganda. “We never thought we’d be awarding the New York Times such a prestigious role in our organization as we’ve...
