Following Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte’s declared threat to go to war against Canada for the latter’s shipment of tons of garbage to the South East Asian nation, the countries of the Middle East are reconsidering reasons for war. “We’ll be honest with you, a lot of our wars out here have been over pure and simple issues of power and...
The Arab nations of the Middle East have issued a joint-statement welcoming Huawei, the Chinese communications company, to operate fully within their countries motivated solely by a desire to “piss off the Americans”. The growing ire of the US as nations prove unwilling to listen to their warnings about allowing Huawei, which allegedly has links to Chinese state security services,...
The Jewish conspirators who control the media, banks, Hollywood, the lizard people and the whole entire world have issued a surprise statement declaring that they will be dramatically reducing the number of children killed while baking matza this Passover. “This Passover, we’re making a concerted effort to kill fewer children in order to harvest their blood for matza baking”, Elders...
The citizens of Israel are, with baited breath, collectively preparing their national face-palm in light of this year’s upcoming election day and the anticipated desperate and racist remark to be issued by the country’s incumbent premier, Binyamin Netanyahu. The national anticipation of global mockery and criticism aimed at the state of Israel’s democratic discourse is not unfounded as Netanyahu had...
When Brunei announced strict anti-gay legislation, which would have homosexual acts (not to mention adultery) punishable by stoning to death, Middle Eastern nations expressed outrage that they were being “out-medievaled” by an obscure little south-east Asian kingdom. “Being totally medieval about homosexuality and various other progressive causes has been our brand for centuries. We made anti-gay laws what they are...
Extremists and terror groups worldwide ranging from ISIS and al-Qaeda to the IRA and Israel’s Kahanists have been celebrating following former Mayor of London and prominent ex-Labour party politician Ken Livingstone’s remark that “it’s not anti-Semitic to hate the Jews of Israel”. The groups are overjoyed that “you can hate pretty much everyone now” and are publishing a new guidebook...
A frustrated Theresa May is considering turning her country into a dictatorship, saying that she “simply doesn’t even care anymore and neither does the British public”. The UK Prime Minister has faced historic defeats in Parliament over her Brexit deal as Britain attempts to leave the European Union while her own party has been relentlessly trying to oust her from...
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced that he would like Special Counsel investigator Robert Mueller to lead a special prosecution case into the various corruption charges currently being levelled against him. The Israeli premier, who is set to face indictment on corruption charges dependent on a pre-trial hearing, made the announcement almost immediately after Mueller’s report concluded that US...
The Jordanian Waqf, the Islamic body that administers Jerusalem’s Temple Mount complex, has insisted that the balaclava-donning Palestinian youths armed with rocks and Molotov cocktails gathering at the site are simply engaging in “harmless Purim fancy dress”. In anticipation of another crackdown in Muslim areas of the Old City by the Israeli Army, the Waqf has sought to downplay reports...
Jeremy Corbyn, the head of the UK’s Labour Party, has announced that he intends to campaign to be the US Democratic presidential candidate for 2020. “Obviously, my initial instinct was very much that I would never run to be president of imperialist America, but then when I saw how close Bernie Sanders and his democratic socialism got to winning for...
In a surprise intervention into the Brexit debate ahead of Britain’s expected departure from the European Union, senior Israeli and Palestinian officials have come out in support of a No Deal scenario. “Everyone talks about how a No Deal is such a terrible idea, but not having a recognized treaty or agreement is really not all that bad”, said one...
In an attempt to regain some of the attention which has dissipated to ISIS in recent years, Al Qaeda is set to publish a provocatively titled new fighting manual and will be hosting their first book launch next week. Entitled “Fifty Shades of Jihad”, the manual is marketed as a “guide for both the expert and the uninitiated in the...
Following Amnesty International’s reiterated calls for an international murder investigation into the death of Saudi-American Washington Post journalist Jamal Khasoggi, Saudi officials have expressed exasperation and surprise that the scandal continues to make headlines. “Honestly, is this shit really still going on?”, one Saudi government official demanded to know. “Obviously, it had nothing to do with us. But, even if...
The Mideast Beast can exclusively reveal that the world-renowned Israeli intelligence agency, the Mossad, has plans to up its game and improve its spying capabilities by using new and innovative intelligence methods, including using Pig Latin as its new secret code. “We’ve been slacking lately”, a source told The Mideast Beast. “We haven’t really made any progress on the covert...
Israeli and Palestinian officials are undertaking new peacebuilding exercises modeled on The Hangover movies as part of a initiative to restart peace talks. “Camp David didn’t produce the breakthrough we wanted. So, we’ve ditched the presidential country retreat and opted for some epic action in Vegas and Bangkok instead. At least when these efforts spectacularly backfire we’ll have had a...
In a decision which has thus far pleased absolutely nobody, the United States has moved its embassy from Tel Aviv to Cyprus in what American officials termed “the best compromise we could come up with.” “For decades now, we’ve been telling the Israelis that we’re going to move our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem”, explained one official. “President Trump...
The President of the Palestinian Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, is giving himself a “well-deserved break” according to officials and is hiking in the Peruvian mountains around the famous tourist attraction and Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. “I just needed to find myself, man”, Mahmoud Abbas said in a statement. “Like, so much war and bloodshed at home. Why? Like, we’re all human....
Despite criticism of Twitter’s decision to double their character limit, there was also widespread hope that 280 characters would be too much for President Trump. Despite declaring himself as having “the best words”, Trump is noted for having a short attention span and being particularly inarticulate, leading many to believe that 280 whole characters might be a stretch too far...
It has transpired that Hamas’ terror tunnel network project’s numerous setbacks and delays can be explained by the Islamist group using the same contractors who worked on the so-called ‘Big Dig’ project in Boston in the 1990s and 2000s. The planning and development officials who had managed the controversial American highway development had been hired by Hamas in what has...
Preparations for Islamist Thanksgiving are well underway in ISIS-controlled territory. It is understood that all martyrs and fighters will be referred to as ‘pilgrims’ to help get everyone in the festive spirit. “It’s a real bummer we lost Raqqa last month since we had a huge parade planned for the city”, commented an ISIS official party planner. “We’d already started...
