Nigel Jesuan

 

Jewish Conspirators Promise to Cut down on Number of Children Killed to Bake Their Matza This Passover
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Jewish Conspirators Promise to Cut down on Number of Children Killed to Bake Their Matza This Passover

The Jewish conspirators who control the media, banks, Hollywood, the lizard people and the whole entire world have issued a surprise statement declaring that they will be dramatically reducing the number of children killed while baking matza this Passover. “This Passover, we’re making a concerted effort to kill fewer children in order to harvest their blood for matza baking”, Elders...

Israel Prepares National Face-Palm Awaiting Netanyahu’s Desperate Racist Remark This Election Day

Israel Prepares National Face-Palm Awaiting Netanyahu’s Desperate Racist Remark This Election Day

The citizens of Israel are, with baited breath, collectively preparing their national face-palm in light of this year’s upcoming election day and the anticipated desperate and racist remark to be issued by the country’s incumbent premier, Binyamin Netanyahu. The national anticipation of global mockery and criticism aimed at the state of Israel’s democratic discourse is not unfounded as Netanyahu had...

Middle East Outraged at Brunei Anti-Gay Legislation for “Stealing Their Thunder”
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Middle East Outraged at Brunei Anti-Gay Legislation for “Stealing Their Thunder”

When Brunei announced strict anti-gay legislation, which would have homosexual acts (not to mention adultery) punishable by stoning to death, Middle Eastern nations expressed outrage that they were being “out-medievaled” by an obscure little south-east Asian kingdom. “Being totally medieval about homosexuality and various other progressive causes has been our brand for centuries. We made anti-gay laws what they are...

Extremists Worldwide Overjoyed That “You Can Hate Pretty Much Everyone” Following Former London Mayor Remarks
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Extremists Worldwide Overjoyed That “You Can Hate Pretty Much Everyone” Following Former London Mayor Remarks

Extremists and terror groups worldwide ranging from ISIS and al-Qaeda to the IRA and Israel’s Kahanists have been celebrating following former Mayor of London and prominent ex-Labour party politician Ken Livingstone’s remark that “it’s not anti-Semitic to hate the Jews of Israel”. The groups are overjoyed that “you can hate pretty much everyone now” and are publishing a new guidebook...

Theresa May Considers Turning Britain Into A Dictatorship

Theresa May Considers Turning Britain Into A Dictatorship

A frustrated Theresa May is considering turning her country into a dictatorship, saying that she “simply doesn’t even care anymore and neither does the British public”. The UK Prime Minister has faced historic defeats in Parliament over her Brexit deal as Britain attempts to leave the European Union while her own party has been relentlessly trying to oust her from...

Netanyahu Demands That Robert Mueller Be Appointed to Investigate Corruption Charges

Netanyahu Demands That Robert Mueller Be Appointed to Investigate Corruption Charges

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced that he would like Special Counsel investigator Robert Mueller to lead a special prosecution case into the various corruption charges currently being levelled against him. The Israeli premier, who is set to face indictment on corruption charges dependent on a pre-trial hearing, made the announcement almost immediately after Mueller’s report concluded that US...

Waqf Insists That Palestinian Temple Mount Rioters Are Just In “Purim Fancy Dress”
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Waqf Insists That Palestinian Temple Mount Rioters Are Just In “Purim Fancy Dress”

The Jordanian Waqf, the Islamic body that administers Jerusalem’s Temple Mount complex, has insisted that the balaclava-donning Palestinian youths armed with rocks and Molotov cocktails gathering at the site are simply engaging in “harmless Purim fancy dress”. In anticipation of another crackdown in Muslim areas of the Old City by the Israeli Army, the Waqf has sought to downplay reports...

Jeremy Corbyn Announces His 2020 Presidential Bid for the Democratic Party

Jeremy Corbyn Announces His 2020 Presidential Bid for the Democratic Party

Jeremy Corbyn, the head of the UK’s Labour Party, has announced that he intends to campaign to be the US Democratic presidential candidate for 2020. “Obviously, my initial instinct was very much that I would never run to be president of imperialist America, but then when I saw how close Bernie Sanders and his democratic socialism got to winning for...

Israelis and Palestinians support No Deal Brexit

Israelis and Palestinians support No Deal Brexit

In a surprise intervention into the Brexit debate ahead of Britain’s expected departure from the European Union, senior Israeli and Palestinian officials have come out in support of a No Deal scenario. “Everyone talks about how a No Deal is such a terrible idea, but not having a recognized treaty or agreement is really not all that bad”, said one...

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is
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Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved for years”, admitted al-Zawahiri in an...

Is This Crap Still Going On?”, Ask Saudis over Khashoggi Murder Probe

Is This Crap Still Going On?”, Ask Saudis over Khashoggi Murder Probe

Following Amnesty International’s reiterated calls for an international murder investigation into the death of Saudi-American Washington Post journalist Jamal Khasoggi, Saudi officials have expressed exasperation and surprise that the scandal continues to make headlines. “Honestly, is this shit really still going on?”, one Saudi government official demanded to know. “Obviously, it had nothing to do with us. But, even if...

Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code
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Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code

The Mideast Beast can exclusively reveal that the world-renowned Israeli intelligence agency, the Mossad, has plans to up its game and improve its spying capabilities by using new and innovative intelligence methods, including using Pig Latin as its new secret code. “We’ve been slacking lately”, a source told The Mideast Beast. “We haven’t really made any progress on the covert...

Israeli and Palestinian Officials Re-enact ‘The Hangover’ Movies for Peacebuilding Initiative
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Israeli and Palestinian Officials Re-enact ‘The Hangover’ Movies for Peacebuilding Initiative

Israeli and Palestinian officials are undertaking new peacebuilding exercises modeled on The Hangover movies as part of a initiative to restart peace talks. “Camp David didn’t produce the breakthrough we wanted. So, we’ve ditched the presidential country retreat and opted for some epic action in Vegas and Bangkok instead. At least when these efforts spectacularly backfire we’ll have had a...

In Compromise, US Embassy Moves From Tel Aviv to Cyprus

In Compromise, US Embassy Moves From Tel Aviv to Cyprus

In a decision which has thus far pleased absolutely nobody, the United States has moved its embassy from Tel Aviv to Cyprus in what American officials termed “the best compromise we could come up with.” “For decades now, we’ve been telling the Israelis that we’re going to move our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem”, explained one official. “President Trump...

Palestinian President Abbas finds himself in Machu Picchu

Palestinian President Abbas finds himself in Machu Picchu

The President of the Palestinian Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, is giving himself a “well-deserved break” according to officials and is hiking in the Peruvian mountains around the famous tourist attraction and Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. “I just needed to find myself, man”, Mahmoud Abbas said in a statement. “Like, so much war and bloodshed at home. Why? Like, we’re all human....

Hamas Terror Tunnel Project Delays Explained by Big Dig Contractors
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Hamas Terror Tunnel Project Delays Explained by Big Dig Contractors

It has transpired that Hamas’ terror tunnel network project’s numerous setbacks and delays can be explained by the Islamist group using the same contractors who worked on the so-called ‘Big Dig’ project in Boston in the 1990s and 2000s. The planning and development officials who had managed the controversial American highway development had been hired by Hamas in what has...

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving
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ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

Preparations for Islamist Thanksgiving are well underway in ISIS-controlled territory. It is understood that all martyrs and fighters will be referred to as ‘pilgrims’ to help get everyone in the festive spirit. “It’s a real bummer we lost Raqqa last month since we had a huge parade planned for the city”, commented an ISIS official party planner. “We’d already started...