Hezbollah Offers Bloomberg Easier Route to Suicide

ID 25014242 © Lei Xu | Dreamstime.com

Hezbollah commanders have reached out to Mr. Bloomberg’s people this week, following his Democratic debate appearance, to offer tips on a faster route to martyrdom.

A spokesman for the self-immolation experts commented, “Dear god, that was the worst performance we’ve seen since the Iraqi army in 1991. At least those guys knew when to run away. If his plan was to die on camera, then frankly we’re upset he didn’t reach out to us. It’s kinda of our thing. And as a suicide note, it left hella to be desired. Yes, the production values were good, but where was the passion? Anyone can lie down and die, but to be really successful you’ve got to make people believe you really want it. Epic fail.”

“On the plus side we’ve now developed a massive crush on Elizabeth Warren. She may be a woman, but wow, call 911, that chick knows how to commit a murder.”