Jamie Yankie

 

Solving the Israel-Palestinian Conflict with ‘Feelings’ and Safe Spaces

Solving the Israel-Palestinian Conflict with ‘Feelings’ and Safe Spaces

One of the most influential political actors in the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict has declared, much to the despair of the international community, that his political decision-making is based off his own ‘feeling’ and that he doesn’t consult anyone else. In a statement that sent onlookers into a panicked frenzy, Trump announced that he does, in fact, have feelings and that “I like two-state solution…that’s my feeling. And I have the best feelings.” According to the director of the newly-created Global Safe...

Iran Claims Its Nuclear Warehouses Are Just Rug Factories

Iran Claims Its Nuclear Warehouses Are Just Rug Factories

Following Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to the United Nations revealing the discovery of a ‘secret atomic warehouse’ in Tehran, the Iranian authorities have claimed that the facility was just a very large Persian rug factory. “You know, you need lots of security to protect rugs. Armed guards, barbed wire, electronic sensors and so on. You’ve all seen Aladdin. Thieves are mad for rugs. And lamps, you should see the precautions we have to have in place at the...

Iran Celebrates Being Awarded ‘Biggest Terrorist Sponsor’ Two Years in a Row

Iran Celebrates Being Awarded ‘Biggest Terrorist Sponsor’ Two Years in a Row

Celebrations have broken out in Tehran following results labelling Iran the leading state sponsor of terrorism for the second year in a row by the US Defense Department’s annual survey. One DoD official’s remarks that “Iran remains the world’s leading state sponsor of terrorism and is responsible for intensifying multiple conflicts and undermining US interests in Syria, Yemen, Iraq, Bahrain, Afghanistan and Lebanon”, were described by Iran’s Supreme Leader as “music to our ears.” In a televised red carpet awards ceremony...

Mideast Peace Impossible Because All Sides Have Different Love Languages

Mideast Peace Impossible Because All Sides Have Different Love Languages

A new academic study has suggested that Middle East conflicts may never come to an end because the warring sides all have incompatible love languages. “The primary Palestinian love language is physical touch, you see, whereas Israel’s is receiving gifts. This has caused all sorts of problems”, the author of the ground-breaking study writes. “In recent years, Palestinians have really loved exacting the physical touch aspect on Israel, with numerous young Palestinians stabbing and assaulting Israelis. Because physical touch isn’t...

Paraguay Universally Praised for Creating Mideast Peace by Moving Embassy

Paraguay Universally Praised for Creating Mideast Peace by Moving Embassy

Paraguay has been universally praised for bringing peace to the Middle East as Israelis and Palestinians reached a final peace deal and promised to end all conflict. Peace came shortly after Paraguay’s decision to reverse their Israeli embassy move by returning their embassy to Tel Aviv on the grounds that they wanted to “achieve a broad, fair and lasting peace in the Middle East”. “It was all because of Paraguay”, one United Nations official said in a press release. “We...

Israeli Officials “Honestly Haven’t a Clue” Why Duterte Was Invited

Israeli Officials “Honestly Haven’t a Clue” Why Duterte Was Invited

Many Israeli government officials are at a complete loss as to why President of the Philippines, Rodrigo Duterte, was invited to Israel and who was responsible for the screw up. “We really haven’t got a clue why this has happened or how this even started”, one source commented. “Nobody here remembers inviting him so when Duterte thanked us for the invitation and said he’d love to come, we were all shocked. The guy is a fucking madman. We already had...

ISIS Tweets Tribute Honoring John McCain

ISIS Tweets Tribute Honoring John McCain

ISIS has tweeted a tribute to the late Republican Senator John McCain, commending him on his ability to bridge political divides and work with those with whom he disagreed. “John McCain and I were members of different generations, came from completely different backgrounds, and competed at the highest level of politics”, the acting head of ISIS said. “But we shared, for all our differences, a fidelity for something higher. Admittedly, that fidelity for something higher in our instance was jihad,...

Venezuela’s Economy So Terrible, Citizens Emigrating to Gaza

Venezuela’s Economy So Terrible, Citizens Emigrating to Gaza

As the economic situation in Venezuela continues to worsen and other Latin American countries start to impose stricter visa entry rules on citizens attempting to leave, many Venezuelans are turning to Gaza as a place of refuge. “So, while I’ve heard there are periodic rocket strikes and choking blockades imposed by Israel and Egypt, and that the territory is controlled by an authoritarian Islamist fundamentalist terror group, it still sounds like a bed of roses compared to what we’re going...

Erdogan Blames Receding Hairline on the Jews

Erdogan Blames Receding Hairline on the Jews

In the wake of the free-fall of the Turkish Lira which prompted the administration to blame Israel for the economic collapse, Erdogan himself has indulged in a conspiracy theory in which he has blamed the Jews for his receding hairline. “Many say that the biggest catastrophe facing our nation is the collapse of our currency, but that is a mistake. The real tragedy is that many of my citizens find the fact that I am becoming increasingly bald quite funny,...

Teachers in Gaza Report Missing Missiles for Unauthorised Absence

Teachers in Gaza Report Missing Missiles for Unauthorised Absence

Teachers in the Gaza Strip’s UNWRA schools have noted that numerous rockets and missiles, usually located on school property, have gone missing, and have therefore acted by reporting them for unauthorised absences. Sources claim that many of these rockets’ absences can be put down to unauthorised trips outside of Gaza in which they made excursions into southern Israeli towns without permission from the relevant school authorities. It is understood that while Hamas is responsible for signing off such trips, Islamic...

Hamas Admits They Never Understood What “Ceasefire” Actually Means

Hamas Admits They Never Understood What “Ceasefire” Actually Means

In the wake of the recent Israel-Hamas negotiations, mediated by Egypt, Hamas has admitted that they never really understood the definition of ‘ceasefire’. “We always thought that it meant ‘say you’ll stop but carry on launching rockets as usual'”, one spokesman for the Gaza-based Islamist group admitted. “You see, we weren’t really paying attention in the first negotiation meeting years ago and we’ve been way to embarrassed ever since to ask anyone what a ceasefire is supposed to be, so...

Israel ‘Insufferably Smug’ That They Enjoy Better Saudi Relations Than Canada

Israel ‘Insufferably Smug’ That They Enjoy Better Saudi Relations Than Canada

Canadian sources have expressed jealousy, regarding Israel’s comparatively positive relationship with Saudi Arabia, in the wake of the latter’s fierce backlash to the Canadian government’s critique of the Gulf Arab state’s human rights record. “Like, we were only saying what everyone else was thinking about their shitty human rights situation”, one Canadian government official said. “But, the Saudis get all touchy and before you know it, we’re left out in the cold. And we Canadians know all about cold. But...

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

As Gay Pride marches take place around the globe, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast doubt over the veracity of the survey in light of the social conservatism of the city which lies at the heart of the Islamic world. The poll organizers have admitted that the company they hired...

Israel on Syria Chemical Expert Assassination: “Why Does Everyone Think It’s Us?”

Israel on Syria Chemical Expert Assassination: “Why Does Everyone Think It’s Us?”

In the wake of the assassination of Syrian chemical weapons expert, Aziz Azbar, Israel has been on the defensive about its alleged role in the affair. Numerous international press organisations and political actors have pointed fingers at the Jewish State for being behind the attack. “Why does everyone think it’s us?”, one Israeli government spokesperson protested. “First, who says there was any foul play involved anyway. It’s very common for cars to spontaneously explode, particularly in this hot weather we’ve...

World in Total Shock That Qatar’s World Cup Bid Was Corrupt

World in Total Shock That Qatar’s World Cup Bid Was Corrupt

International observers have expressed complete shock and astonishment at news that has confirmed that Qatar engaged in black ops campaign tactics and broke FIFA rules in order to win the bid to host the World Cup. “Shocked doesn’t even cover it”, one FIFA spokesperson said. “We’re simply astounded that Qatar used former CIA agents and PR agencies to spread fake propaganda about its competitors. In fact, when it was originally announced that Qatar would be hosting the 2022 World Cup...

Hamas Ends Space Programme After Iron Dome Intercepts Rockets

Hamas Ends Space Programme After Iron Dome Intercepts Rockets

Hamas has rebuked Israel for using their Iron Dome rocket defence system to intercept rockets which the organization claimed were not aimed at Israeli civilians but were in fact part of a fledgling space programme. “We’ve spent more than a decade trying to develop rockets which can successfully kill or maim Israeli civilians and it’s largely gone to waste since we’ve hardly killed anyone”, one Hamas spokesman said. “So, figuring that we didn’t want all our rocket expertise to go...

Elon Musk Lashes Out at Human Rights Groups For Ridiculing His Two-State Solution Submarine

Elon Musk Lashes Out at Human Rights Groups For Ridiculing His Two-State Solution Submarine

Elon Musk, desperate to find a use for his newly constructed submarine which Thailand’s divers declined to use for their daring rescue mission, has invited further ridicule for his suggestion that his invention could be used to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. “Some say that PR stunts and loads of money being thrown at expensive toys can’t solve everything”, the billionaire engineering entrepreneur said in a statement. “Well, I disagree. Just look at  Donald Trump and his golf courses. OK, bad...

Hamas Chief Says He Misspoke and Meant to Say He Sees No Reason Why Israel “Shouldn’t” Exist

Hamas Chief Says He Misspoke and Meant to Say He Sees No Reason Why Israel “Shouldn’t” Exist

Following rebuke from international observers for a speech in which he questioned Israel’s right to exist and called for her destruction, senior Hamas figure, Ismail Haniyeh, claims he misspoke and went before the press to say that he “realized there is some need for clarification”. “In a key sentence in my remarks I said the word ‘should’ instead of ‘shouldn’t’. The sentence should have been: ‘I don’t see any reason why that filthy Zionist entity of land thieves and child...

UN Condemns Israeli Farmers for Damaging Gaza Fire Kites

UN Condemns Israeli Farmers for Damaging Gaza Fire Kites

The United Nations General Assembly issued a resolution Monday condemning Israeli farmers for damaging Palestinian flaming kites, which Gazans have been sending over the border into southern Israel, causing millions of dollars in damages to Israel’s agricultural economy. According to the United Nations, the kites are often damaged upon impact before the Israeli fields burst into flames. “In a typical case of disproportionate Israeli aggression, Israeli farmers are now using their gigantic fields of various agricultural products to destroy significantly...

ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement

ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement

In the wake of pop star Justin Bieber’s engagement to model Hailey Baldwin, ISIS has issued a fatwa calling for the death of the latter on the grounds that she is seeking to “steal and pervert a national treasure of the Islamic State.” “We’re not only believers in our cause for Jihad, but are, above all, beliebers”, the heartbroken Islamic terror group said in its statement. “Now this Western temptress wants to take the Bieb away from us and we...