Jamie Yankie

 

PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists

PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists

The Israeli parliament’s decision to bring forward legislation to financially penalize the Palestinian Authority by the amount they pay out to families of terrorists, has led to a call for compromise by the West Bank leadership. “We get it, honestly. We understand why the Israelis might be a bit pissed with us for dishing out dollars to encourage more stabbings”, a spokesman said. “But, not all our guys are that bad, Zionist-killing aside of course. More than one of them...

Slamming Trump, ISIS Signs Up to Paris Climate Agreement

Slamming Trump, ISIS Signs Up to Paris Climate Agreement

ISIS signed up to the Paris Climate Agreement yesterday whilst at the same time criticizing the United States which, following an executive order issued by President Trump, withdrew from the accords. “We recognize that planet earth belongs to all our children and that it is our global responsibility to look after it”, the Islamic terror group said in a statement. “By all our children, of course, we mean only those who recognize our cause for Jihad. The infidels’ children obviously...

Middle East Dictators Conclude They’re “Definitely the Bad Guys” At Conference

Middle East Dictators Conclude They’re “Definitely the Bad Guys” At Conference

In a world of constantly changing geopolitical alliances it can be hard to keep up with key issues. A particularly vital one being who’s truly awful as opposed to simply annoying; who’s more ‘North Korea’ than ‘Luxembourg’, if you will. Seeking reassurance, the dictators of the Middle East convened for a conference. Syrian President Assad opened the proceedings, saying that he was “pretty damn sure” he was one of the bad guys due to his indiscriminate and excessive use of...

REVEALED: Secret Diary Excerpts: Recep Tayyip Erdogan

REVEALED: Secret Diary Excerpts: Recep Tayyip Erdogan

18 April: Called a snap election today on the very reasonable grounds that I need to basically become more of a dictator than I already am. Maybe if I really smash it, I can get myself called Sultan or King or whatever and get myself a good harem going. Are harems still a thing? Make a note, must google ‘harems.’ 18 May: It’s been a month since I called the election and things are looking a bit shaky. My staff...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Makes Bid to Replace Justice Kennedy and Overrule Travel Ban

Iran’s Supreme Leader Makes Bid to Replace Justice Kennedy and Overrule Travel Ban

Following the United States Supreme Court’s 5-4 decision to uphold President Trump’s travel ban, and Justice Anthony Kennedy’s decision to retire from the bench, Iran’s Supreme Leader is making a highly unusual bid to become a US Supreme Court Justice in the hope that he could help overrule the decision in a future case. Mr. Ali Khamenei now appears to be prepared to go to extraordinary lengths to reverse the ban and allow his citizens entry into the US. “As...

‘Why Can’t You Be More Like Maxine Waters?’ ISIS Chief Asks

‘Why Can’t You Be More Like Maxine Waters?’ ISIS Chief Asks

Blasting his supporters over their excessive civility, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi issued a statement urging followers to employ the tactics of Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters. Baghdadi’s statement came after Waters, one of US President Donald Trump’s most vocal critics, told supporters at a rally to harass officials in the Trump administration if they came across them in public. Baghdadi called it a “great idea” – and one that could be replicated by faithful jihadis against non-believers. “A lot of you...

ISIS: “Well, At Least We’re Not ICE”

ISIS: “Well, At Least We’re Not ICE”

In a public relations effort, ISIS has taken the opportunity to comment on the widespread international outrage regarding the separation of families by US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). “We may not be the most popular guys as far as global infidels are concerned, what with all the genocidal intent, terrorism, human rights abuses and so on”, a ISIS spokesperson acknowledged. “But, hey, at least we’re not ICE. We would never be so cruel as to take children away from...

REVEALED! Secret Diary Excerpts of Vladimir Putin

REVEALED! Secret Diary Excerpts of Vladimir Putin

9 May: Today, I, Vlad the Greatest, met with Benjamin Netanyahu who got pissed when I asked him which Middle Eastern country he was a dictator of. He claimed he wasn’t a despot before droning on and on about Israel being the only democracy in the Middle East. “But nobody seems to give a shit about that anymore”, Ben sighed 20 minutes later, interrupting my attempt to spell out the alphabet backwards in my head. “So, you’re not a dictator...

Sergio Ramos Accused of Being Israeli Spy Over Mo Salah Tackle

Sergio Ramos Accused of Being Israeli Spy Over Mo Salah Tackle

In the latest conspiracy theory linked to Israel’s main intelligence agency, a prominent Egyptian cleric claims he has “cast iron proof” that Real Madrid defender, Sergio Ramos, is, in fact, a Mossad operative who deliberately handicapped the Liverpool player and rising star, Mo Salah. Egyptian-born Salah, considered one of the world’s top soccer players and who has garnered a significant following amongst the Arab and Muslim world, was injured in the Champions League final last month causing doubts about the...

UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen

UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen

While nobody knows what the hell is going to happen at the upcoming summit between President Donald Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un, the United Nations has already blamed Israel for the breakdown of the talks which are yet to occur. The latest UN General Assembly Resolution has declared that “the blame for the fallout at the summit yet to actually happen, the onset of World War Three and subsequent nuclear holocaust must squarely be placed on Israel.” Iran’s representative...

Jerusalem’s Damascus Gate Renamed Following Cultural Appropriation Row

Jerusalem’s Damascus Gate Renamed Following Cultural Appropriation Row

Following accusations of cultural appropriation, the Jerusalem Municipality has agreed to rename one of the entrances into Jerusalem’s Old City. The decision to rename Damascus Gate was announced after months of campaigning by social justice warriors who claim that the site as it is currently named constitutes an “aggressive act of linguistic colonialism against the people of Syria.” While the group is campaigning to bring about the linguistic change, #DamascusGateMustFall, has often been confused with the similarly tagged pro-Islamic State...

Israel-Hamas Trade War Looms Over Steel and Aluminum Used in Rockets

Israel-Hamas Trade War Looms Over Steel and Aluminum Used in Rockets

The boring conventional war between Israel and Hamas is set to escalate into a thrilling trade war, with each side accusing the other of unfair trading standards.  Following President Trump’s decision to impose tariffs on steel and aluminum imports, Israel has decided to raise the issue that the metal products which make up Hamas’ rockets constitute a gross overreach in such exports, threatening Israel’s domestic producers. “Currently, we aren’t imposing any tariffs whatsoever on those flying tubes of metal and, frankly,...

Man Who Designed ISIS Flag Finally Fired for Shitty Circle Drawing

Man Who Designed ISIS Flag Finally Fired for Shitty Circle Drawing

Walid al-Mukdasan, the man hired by ISIS to design and produce their flags, has been let go by the terror group in a move which many of the designer’s longstanding critics say is “better late than never.” Pressure has long mounted on the group’s leadership to fire al-Mukdasan who designed the notorious flag constituting the shahada and the so-called Seal of Mohammed. “I mean, have you seen that thing”, one prominent critic commented. “it’s an absolute joke. You call that...

Israel’s Defense Minister Says Israel Should Leave the Jedi High Council

Israel’s Defense Minister Says Israel Should Leave the Jedi High Council

Israel’s Defense Minister, Avigdor Lieberman, has refused to back down on his remarks last Thursday when he called for Israel to withdraw from the United Nations Human Rights Council, despite the fact that Israel is not a member of the council. Rather than admit his mistake, he doubled down and has released a further statement calling for Israel to withdraw her membership from numerous other international bodies. “Frankly, it is a disgrace that we are members of a whole host...

Gazans Officially Run Out of Things to Set Fire To

Gazans Officially Run Out of Things to Set Fire To

Following weeks of protests and riots along the Gaza border with Israel as part of their “March of Return”, one Hamas spokesman has announced that Gaza has officially run out of things to set fire to, and has declared a state of emergency. “It’s official”, the spokesman said in a statement, “we’ve literally run out of things to burn. We’ve got nothing, zilch, nada. Frankly, this is a disaster as it will leave tens of thousands of Gazans even more...

Palestinians Declare East Tel Aviv Their Capital

Palestinians Declare East Tel Aviv Their Capital

In response to the opening ceremony on Monday of the new US Embassy in Jerusalem, the Palestinian Authority has announced that they intend to seek international recognition for a future state of Palestine’s capital to be East Tel Aviv. It is understood that in retaliation to the American action and a growing list of other countries’ joining the move inland, the Palestinians are calling on the rest of the international community to set up embassies to Palestine in fun-loving Tel...