Boaz Bulbulovitz

Boaz Bulbulovitz is a senior correspondent at The Mideast Beast, and author of the Pulitzer Prize-winning “My Prick Is Holier than Yours: Why the Temple Mount Is Nothing More than a Petty Genital Size Contest.” As The New York Times Book Review put it, Bulbulovitz “wields his pen like a trigger-happy penis, penetrating the deepest recesses of Judeo-Islamic fascism.”

Born and raised in the religious West Bank settlement of Beit Zayin, Bulbulovitz was disowned by his family after many a steamy IDF shower session convinced him that he was gay. He then spent a decade traveling – developing a love of hashish and Muslim men in Morocco, Theravada Buddhism in Thailand and raging progressivism in the Netherlands – before returning to Israel to study law. Now a full-time writer, Bulbulovitz is currently working on his fourth book, “Pan-Semenites: How Gay Jews & Arabs Can Together Solve the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict,” and lives in Jaffa with his Cairo-born husband, footballer Tiz al-Jizzum, and their twin Boxers, Allah and Hashem.

Follow him on Twitter https://twitter.com/bulbulovitz

 

President-Elect Trump Calls Siege of Aleppo “Amazing Redevelopment Opportunity”

President-Elect Trump Calls Siege of Aleppo “Amazing Redevelopment Opportunity”

NEW YORK – Echoing his past praise for the 2008 housing crash, U.S. President-elect Donald J. Trump has claimed that the Russian air strikes currently devastating the Syrian city of Aleppo will be a boon for his luxury real estate empire. “Sure, the pictures coming out of Aleppo are horrible… but think of the amazing redevelopment opportunities once Assad mops up all those Muslim terrorists,” Trump told Breitbart News yesterday, before hinting at a joint U.S.-Russian reconstruction effort: “Putin and...

Ghost of Donald Trump’s Mom: I Should’ve Had an Abortion

Ghost of Donald Trump’s Mom: I Should’ve Had an Abortion

According to the psychic who relayed the story of an irate ISIS suicide bomber who contracted STDs in heaven, the late Mary MacLeod Trump regrets having her fourth child, Donald, on account of his “campaign of contagious hate.” “Mary is heartbroken that her son is spreading so much bigotry down here on earth,” alleges Shanti Shapiro, regarded as California’s premier clairvoyant. “With each racist, misogynistic and otherwise malicious remark, she dies another death,” Shapiro recounts, referring to the Republican U.S....

Trump ‘Softens’ Immigration Policy, Offers “Free Hat to Every Deported Mexican”

Trump ‘Softens’ Immigration Policy, Offers “Free Hat to Every Deported Mexican”

TUCSON – Citing his “terrific compassion,” GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has offered ‘Make America Great Again’ hats to all would-be deportees from the U.S. to “shield them from the harsh sun back in their homeland.” “And they say I’m a cold-hearted racist!” the billionaire told a rally in suburban Tucson yesterday. “Believe me, the Mexicans will be overjoyed with this token of their illegal stay in our amazing country,” he said, pointing to the red hat that has become synonymous with...

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton

From The Onion to The Mideast Beast, hundreds of satire writers have resolved to kill themselves on November 8 should Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton defeat GOP nominee Donald Trump, a months-long TMB investigation can reveal. “With the shit that pours out of that orange buffoon’s mouth, my articles over the past year have practically written themselves,” said one writer from The Onion, who is planning to jump from Chicago’s Willis Tower along with scores of colleagues. Employees at the...

Excluded from Trump’s “Spate of Hate,” Gays Cry Foul

Excluded from Trump’s “Spate of Hate,” Gays Cry Foul

LOS ANGELES – Alleging that Donald Trump’s “selective bigotry” is damaging their standing among fellow oppressed groups, angry gay Americans are demanding that the Republican presidential candidate extend his deluge of insults to them. At a rally in West Hollywood, hundreds of irate gay white men protested their “immoral exclusion from Trump’s spate of hate.” Complained James, a 24-year-old personal trainer from Venice Beach: “Not a single ‘faggot,’ ‘Sodomite,’ ‘pillow-biter,’ or ‘AIDS bunny’ comment. It’s just not fair – and it’s...

BREAKING: U.S. Planes Bombard ISIS Capital with Dildos

BREAKING: U.S. Planes Bombard ISIS Capital with Dildos

A squadron of C-130J Super Hercules attacked the Islamic State’s de facto capital, Raqqa, early this morning, airdropping hundreds of thousands of sex toys and tubes of lubricants in a pre-dawn mission. According to a statement released by U.S. Central Command, the packages – signed “With Love from America” – included a variety of dildos, nipple clamps and anal beads inscribed in Arabic with “Gay sex is the greatest!” The care packages were affixed with childproof locks and clearly marked “18+”; separate...

BREAKING: Gay Activists Paint Pyramid Pink to Protest Arab Homophobia

BREAKING: Gay Activists Paint Pyramid Pink to Protest Arab Homophobia

CAIRO –Thousands of Egyptian locals and foreign tourists awoke to a startling sight on Wednesday: the Great Pyramid of Giza, the only surviving member of the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World, had been pinkwashed overnight. While many were at first convinced that the peculiar color was merely a reflection of the desert sunrise, it soon became clear that the ancient structure, built over 4,500 years ago, had been vandalized. A massive banner unfurled on the east-facing side of the...

The Zohan Launches Presidential Run, Vows to “Make America Hummus-ier”

The Zohan Launches Presidential Run, Vows to “Make America Hummus-ier”

NEW YORK – Declaring that “neither De Donald nor De Hillary has what it takes to spread de American Dream around,” counter terrorist-turned-hair and hummus tycoon Zohan Dvir announced a historic independent run for the White House today, potentially transforming the current two-way U.S. Presidential race. “De Hillary is like smearing stale peanut butter on your toast, and De Donald like arsenic-laden shit,” said Dvir at his Ellis Island campaign launch, flanked by his running mate, wife and business partner,...

EXCLUSIVE: ‘Homoterrorists’ Hunting Anti-Gay Leaders across Israel, Palestine

EXCLUSIVE: ‘Homoterrorists’ Hunting Anti-Gay Leaders across Israel, Palestine

Homophobes throughout the Holy Land are cowering in fear after a spate of attacks by a binational militia, TMB can reveal. Under the cover of night, armed masked ‘Swordsmen of Canaan’ have been methodically targeting rabbis, imams and politicians who openly preach anti-LGBT hatred. Following a months-long investigation, the Mideast Beast has learned that the militia is comprised of about 70 expertly trained gay Israelis and Palestinians divided into two factions – David’s Sword (Herev David) and Al-Amin’s Sword (Sayf Al-Amin). They are...

Lebanon Adopts Lesbian Hummus Wrestling as National Sport; Israel Vows Retaliation

Lebanon Adopts Lesbian Hummus Wrestling as National Sport; Israel Vows Retaliation

BEIRUT – The Middle East’s simmering ‘Hummus Wars’ dramatically escalated today after Lebanon’s Minister of Sport provocatively declared Lesbian Hummus Wrestling his country’s official national sport. “With this landmark decision, we’ll once and for all prove that Lebanese – not Israeli – mashed chickpeas and bikini-clad chicks are the tastiest in the region,” said Abdul Muttalib Hinnawi at Beirut’s National Hummusdome (formerly the Roman Hippodrome). “And contrary to the lies of the colonialist Zionist propaganda machine, the Jews were still eating slimy Gefilte fish –...

Leftist Embarks on Tel Aviv-to-Tehran Peace March, Arrives in Six Pieces

Leftist Embarks on Tel Aviv-to-Tehran Peace March, Arrives in Six Pieces

An Israeli pacifist has died trying to fulfill his dream of “spreading the message of love and liberty across the hate-filled deserts of the Middle East.” 27-year-old Ori Ashkenazi left Tel Aviv to great fanfare, telling CNN: “Ever since I was a kid at a candle-lit memorial for our slain prime minister, Yitzhak Rabin, I’ve dreamed of peace in the region. I may not make it back alive, but it’s a cause for which I’m prepared to die.” While Ashkenazi...

Survey: Saudis are Mideast’s Most Avid Fisters; Iran #1 in Flogging, Scat

Survey: Saudis are Mideast’s Most Avid Fisters; Iran #1 in Flogging, Scat

A new Harvard study suggests a direct link between radical Islamist regimes and high rates of sexual deviancy among their citizens. According to sexologists at the Ivy League school’s renowned Center for the Research of Atypical Hominoid Practices (CRAHP), the results prove their long-held theory that “the crueler the ruler, the kinkier the commoner.” Entitled The Unholy Link between Religious Repression & Sexual Perversion, CRAHP’s sexological inquiry – which focused on web users in the Middle East – combined anonymous...

Clinton: If Elected President, Bill Will Be Kept Away from the Interns

Clinton: If Elected President, Bill Will Be Kept Away from the Interns

Addressing concerns that a philandering ‘First Dude’ could scandalize a future Hillary Clinton Administration, the Democratic U.S. Presidential nominee vowed on Friday to “keep Bill on a short, GPS-reinforced leash.” “Look, even though Bill has apologized for what happened – which occurred nearly twenty years ago, I may add – I’ll put preventative measures in place,” former First Lady Hillary Clinton said in an interview with Dianne Sawyer. The so-called “Monicagate” scandal threatened to bring down then President Bill Clinton after...

Trump on Slain U.S. Muslim Soldier’s Mom: ‘With A Face Like Hers, He’s Better Off Dead!’

Trump on Slain U.S. Muslim Soldier’s Mom: ‘With A Face Like Hers, He’s Better Off Dead!’

NEW YORK – The war of words between Donald J. Trump and the parents of a fallen U.S. soldier significantly escalated last night after the GOP presidential nominee repeatedly insulted the appearance of Army Captain Humayun Khan’s bereaved mother. After reiterating his previous attacks on Ghazala Khan and her husband, Khizr, Trump told Fox News’s Sean Hannity: “Imagine having a mother with a face like that? I mean, at the very least, would it kill her to smile sometimes? A...

Trump’s Jewish Grandkids: If You Become President, Please Don’t Gas Us

Trump’s Jewish Grandkids: If You Become President, Please Don’t Gas Us

NEW YORK – Citing widespread support for his presidential bid by white supremacists, Ivanka Trump’s children have reportedly issued an impassioned appeal to “Grandpa Don to spare us the horrors of a second Holocaust” if the presumptive GOP nominee wins in November. The somewhat hysterical plea follows multiple anti-Semitic and otherwise racist incidents that have marred the Republican’s campaign for the White House – the most recent being a tweet by Trump labeling Hillary Clinton the “most corrupt candidate ever,” with...

Al Jazeera America to Shut Down, Citing “Not Enough Anti-Semites in U.S.”

Al Jazeera America to Shut Down, Citing “Not Enough Anti-Semites in U.S.”

NEW YORK – Despite enjoying lavish funding from its Qatari owners, Al Jazeera America has announced that it will cease operations this September, blaming “stubbornly low rates of Jew hatred in the United States.” Launched in 2013, Al Jazeera America (AJAM) promised to provide more serious reporting than other U.S. networks like CNN and Fox News. However, despite a massive budget from the Emir of Qatar that enabled it to recruit top journalists, AJAM struggled with persistently low ratings and was...

Donald Trump: Move the Palestinians to Puerto Rico

Donald Trump: Move the Palestinians to Puerto Rico

NEW YORK – Billionaire Republican presidential contender Donald Trump has unveiled a controversial peace proposal for the strife-torn holy land: give the U.S. island territory of Puerto Rico to the Palestinians as compensation for surrendering to Israel. According to the so-called “Trump Solution,” rolled out by the outspoken business magnate at a Manhattan press conference, the U.S. would fund the relocation of all four or so million Palestinians living in the West Bank and Gaza Strip to the Caribbean archipelago, and...

Trump Blames “Radical Islamic Alligator” for Killing Toddler in Florida

Trump Blames “Radical Islamic Alligator” for Killing Toddler in Florida

Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has vowed to ban “all Musligators” from U.S. waters after a 2-year-old boy was found dead near a Disney hotel in Florida Wednesday. Taking to Twitter just minutes after officials confirmed the tragic death of the Nebraska child, who witnesses said was pulled into a lagoon on Tuesday night, Trump wrote: “A Christian alligator would never have committed such an inconceivable attack on our children! More proof that radical Islamic alligator-loving Obama hates America!!” The...

Trans Albino Half-Jewish, Half-Muslim Vegan Denied Campus ‘Safe Space’

Trans Albino Half-Jewish, Half-Muslim Vegan Denied Campus ‘Safe Space’

BERKELEY – A freshman is suing one of America’s most progressive colleges for discrimination after it rejected a request to fund his own ‘TAVJI safe space.’ According to 19-year-old Adam Hussein-Hershkowitz, “contrary to UC Berkeley’s radical leftist reputation, it’s actually a hotbed of virulent anti-TAVJI bigotry” – using an acronym he coined to describe his combined transgenderism, albinism and veganism, as well as his Jewish and Islamic identities (inherited from his mother and Iraqi-born father, respectively). Speaking to The Mideast...

Trump Accuses Clinton’s Father of Masterminding Assassination of Israeli PM Rabin

Trump Accuses Clinton’s Father of Masterminding Assassination of Israeli PM Rabin

Just two days after claiming that Ted Cruz’s father aided JFK’s assassin, Donald Trump has alleged that Hugh E. Rodham orchestrated the slaying of Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin. “Crooked Hillary got her daddy to organize the hit [by religious extremist Yigal Amir] in order to boost the reputation of her rapist husband, Bighead Bill,” said the GOP presidential candidate. “And boy did he shine at Rabin’s funeral, with his nauseating ‘Shalom Haver’ eulogy televised around the globe.” Citing an...