Boaz Bulbulovitz

Boaz Bulbulovitz is a senior correspondent at The Mideast Beast, and author of the Pulitzer Prize-winning “My Prick Is Holier than Yours: Why the Temple Mount Is Nothing More than a Petty Genital Size Contest.” As The New York Times Book Review put it, Bulbulovitz “wields his pen like a trigger-happy penis, penetrating the deepest recesses of Judeo-Islamic fascism.”

Born and raised in the religious West Bank settlement of Beit Zayin, Bulbulovitz was disowned by his family after many a steamy IDF shower session convinced him that he was gay. He then spent a decade traveling – developing a love of hashish and Muslim men in Morocco, Theravada Buddhism in Thailand and raging progressivism in the Netherlands – before returning to Israel to study law. Now a full-time writer, Bulbulovitz is currently working on his fourth book, “Pan-Semenites: How Gay Jews & Arabs Can Together Solve the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict,” and lives in Jaffa with his Cairo-born husband, footballer Tiz al-Jizzum, and their twin Boxers, Allah and Hashem.

Follow him on Twitter https://twitter.com/bulbulovitz and Facebook https://www.facebook.com/bulbulovitz

 

Report: Hezbollah Leader Undergoes Breast Reduction Surgery

Report: Hezbollah Leader Undergoes Breast Reduction Surgery

BEIRUT – Hassan Nasrallah, the leader of Lebanon’s Shiite militant group Hezbollah, is reportedly recovering from radical breast reduction surgery in a secret bunker in the country’s Beqaa Valley. The reduction mammoplasty was performed by Swiss cosmetic surgeons clandestinely flown in to conduct the operation, according to a disgruntled member of Hezbollah’s leadership, who spoke with The Mideast Beast on condition of anonymity. Over 30 kilograms of breast tissue were excised from his tits during the four-hour surgery, which was then fed...

Lesjihadis Seize Saudi Border Region, Proclaim ‘Caliphate of Pussirabia’

Lesjihadis Seize Saudi Border Region, Proclaim ‘Caliphate of Pussirabia’

NAJRAN – Topless Kalashnikov-wielding militants patrol the streets, searching for pockets of resistance, while other units distribute food and water to thousands of refugees streaming into the fledgling ‘Islamo-feminist Caliphate of Pussirabia’ (‘Kussirabia’ in Arabic). Najran District was an ideal target, says Al-Kus Brigades General Aisha Al-Mahbala. “It’s fertile, and adjacent to Yemen; we have an alliance with the Shi’ite Houthi rebels who rule the lands directly over the border. And while they are just as patriarchal as the House...

Donald Trump Declared “America’s First Middle Eastern President”

Donald Trump Declared “America’s First Middle Eastern President”

Hailing the U.S. President-elect’s “strength, wealth and galactic levels of narcissism and sexual predatorism,” Syria’s Bashar al-Assad has crowned Donald J. Trump “the United States of America’s first Middle Eastern President.” “I take great pride in your election,” said al-Assad, according to a transcript of a phone call between the two released online this morning by the Syrian Presidency. “As we Middle Eastern leaders know, journalists are liars, constitutions are for pussies, protestors must be crushed like mosquitoes, and women,...

Eyeing Mideast Market, Ivanka Trump Launches High-Tech ‘Pussyguard’ Handbag

Eyeing Mideast Market, Ivanka Trump Launches High-Tech ‘Pussyguard’ Handbag

NEW YORK – Ivanka Trump has added a anti-groping handbag to her fashion line, calling it “a symbol of my father’s aggressively pro-woman agenda” – and suggesting that foreign aid subsidize its cost for low-income women. “Men will be men, so we ladies must be practical – and, of course, stay stylish,” said America’s First Daughter-to-be at the Manhattan launch of her Quilted Leather Studded Guardian Satchel – dubbed ‘The Trump PussyGuard’ on social media. Describing the latest addition to...

Gay Vandals Give Al-Aqsa Mosque ‘Rainbow Makeover’ on New Year’s Eve

Gay Vandals Give Al-Aqsa Mosque ‘Rainbow Makeover’ on New Year’s Eve

JERUSALEM – Just a month after painting Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Giza pink, the Homorabian Liberation Front has struck again, coating the dome of Islam’s third holiest site in the colors of the rainbow. In a daring New Year’s Eve mission, activists from the Arab LGBT group snuck onto Jerusalem’s Temple Mount and scaled Al-Aqsa Mosque to execute their so-called ‘Operation Rainbow Makeover.’ It was only at dawn when people noticed the startling sight, with one closeted imam momentarily losing...

In Anti-Jihad Op, Santa Blitzes ISIS with Radioactive Reindeer Poop

In Anti-Jihad Op, Santa Blitzes ISIS with Radioactive Reindeer Poop

In a blitzkrieg Christmas Eve mission, Santa Klaus and his squadrons of hooved helpers pounded ISIS positions with atomic reindeer feces, slaying thousands of jihadis and laying waste to much of the terror group’s heavy weaponry. “Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas you satanic pedophiles!” cried Santa as hundreds of nuclear excrement-armed flying sleighs discharged their lethal loads across ISIS-controlled Syria and Iraq overnight. (To avoid collateral damage, Santa selected targets away from civilian areas, instead blanketing ISIS-ruled cities – including...

Trump’s Real Reason for Delaying Israel Trip: “Too Many Muslims for My Taste”

Trump’s Real Reason for Delaying Israel Trip: “Too Many Muslims for My Taste”

Donald Trump has revealed that Israel’s “hellishly” large Muslim population and its leader’s “jihad appeasement” convinced him to nix his planned visit there, despite earlier tweeting that he was merely postponing the trip. “After doing my research, I realized just how many ISIS-worshipping Muslims the supposedly ‘Jewish State’ has,” Trump told FOX News. “20%! 20%! That’s like every U.S. Catholic actually being a Muslim, or, when you include all our Caucasian-raping illegal aliens, it’s as if the whole of California was...

Netanyahu to Chinese President: Why Can’t Palestinians Be More like Tibetans?

Netanyahu to Chinese President: Why Can’t Palestinians Be More like Tibetans?

Wikileaks has released a transcript of a controversial phone call in which the leaders of China and Israel discuss their respective policies in Tibet and the Palestinian territories. The leaked 20-minute conversation opens with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu lavishing praise on Chinese President Xi Jinping: “Your great nation has much to teach us on how to suppress millions of primitives with minimal foreign interference.” Netanyahu also voices frustration that China’s occupation of Tibet – 200 times larger than the West...

Ahead of Trump Visit, Palestinians Prepare to be Called ‘Stupid Lazy Rapists’

Ahead of Trump Visit, Palestinians Prepare to be Called ‘Stupid Lazy Rapists’

RAMALLAH – Palestinians are hurriedly preparing for President-elect Donald Trump’s upcoming Holy Land trip, bracing themselves for a potential onslaught of derogatory abuse. “Look, we’ve been called just about everything by the Israelis – liars, thieves, stinking Arab terrorists, genocidal Islamo-Nazi anti-Semites and more” said Marwan, a 71-year-old mechanic, “but Trump calling us rapists, like he did the Mexicans, would really hurt our feelings.” “Call us what you may, but we don’t rape Jewish women, and Jews don’t rape ours...

President-Elect Trump Calls Siege of Aleppo “Amazing Redevelopment Opportunity”

President-Elect Trump Calls Siege of Aleppo “Amazing Redevelopment Opportunity”

NEW YORK – Echoing his past praise for the 2008 housing crash, U.S. President-elect Donald J. Trump has claimed that the Russian air strikes currently devastating the Syrian city of Aleppo will be a boon for his luxury real estate empire. “Sure, the pictures coming out of Aleppo are horrible… but think of the amazing redevelopment opportunities once Assad mops up all those Muslim terrorists,” Trump told Breitbart News yesterday, before hinting at a joint U.S.-Russian reconstruction effort: “Putin and...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa against Ball Shaving

Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa against Ball Shaving

TEHRAN – Responding to what he termed “the alarming trend of homosexualization” sweeping Iran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has outlawed male genital grooming. Blaming “western cultural imperialism” for the growing popularity of ‘manscaping’ in the Islamic Republic, Ali Khamenei announced the fatwa at a recent meeting of senior Shi’ite clergy in the holy city of Qom: “Allah made your balls hairy, so be proud of them – or lose them!” he declared to thunderous applause. As such, spot checks...

Ghost of Donald Trump’s Mom: I Should’ve Had an Abortion

Ghost of Donald Trump’s Mom: I Should’ve Had an Abortion

According to the psychic who relayed the story of an irate ISIS suicide bomber who contracted STDs in heaven, the late Mary MacLeod Trump regrets having her fourth child, Donald, on account of his “campaign of contagious hate.” “Mary is heartbroken that her son is spreading so much bigotry down here on earth,” alleges Shanti Shapiro, regarded as California’s premier clairvoyant. “With each racist, misogynistic and otherwise malicious remark, she dies another death,” Shapiro recounts, referring to the Republican U.S....

Trump ‘Softens’ Immigration Policy, Offers “Free Hat to Every Deported Mexican”

Trump ‘Softens’ Immigration Policy, Offers “Free Hat to Every Deported Mexican”

TUCSON – Citing his “terrific compassion,” GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has offered ‘Make America Great Again’ hats to all would-be deportees from the U.S. to “shield them from the harsh sun back in their homeland.” “And they say I’m a cold-hearted racist!” the billionaire told a rally in suburban Tucson yesterday. “Believe me, the Mexicans will be overjoyed with this token of their illegal stay in our amazing country,” he said, pointing to the red hat that has become synonymous with...

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton

World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton

From The Onion to The Mideast Beast, hundreds of satire writers have resolved to kill themselves on November 8 should Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton defeat GOP nominee Donald Trump, a months-long TMB investigation can reveal. “With the shit that pours out of that orange buffoon’s mouth, my articles over the past year have practically written themselves,” said one writer from The Onion, who is planning to jump from Chicago’s Willis Tower along with scores of colleagues. Employees at the...

Excluded from Trump’s “Spate of Hate,” Gays Cry Foul

Excluded from Trump’s “Spate of Hate,” Gays Cry Foul

LOS ANGELES – Alleging that Donald Trump’s “selective bigotry” is damaging their standing among fellow oppressed groups, angry gay Americans are demanding that the Republican presidential candidate extend his deluge of insults to them. At a rally in West Hollywood, hundreds of irate gay white men protested their “immoral exclusion from Trump’s spate of hate.” Complained James, a 24-year-old personal trainer from Venice Beach: “Not a single ‘faggot,’ ‘Sodomite,’ ‘pillow-biter,’ or ‘AIDS bunny’ comment. It’s just not fair – and it’s...

Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven

Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven

According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious: despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in painful sores, and going to the toilet is excruciating,” relayed Shapiro. According to Shapiro – who learnt Arabic from her...

BREAKING: U.S. Planes Bombard ISIS Capital with Dildos

BREAKING: U.S. Planes Bombard ISIS Capital with Dildos

A squadron of C-130J Super Hercules attacked the Islamic State’s de facto capital, Raqqa, early this morning, airdropping hundreds of thousands of sex toys and tubes of lubricants in a pre-dawn mission. According to a statement released by U.S. Central Command, the packages – signed “With Love from America” – included a variety of dildos, nipple clamps and anal beads inscribed in Arabic with “Gay sex is the greatest!” The care packages were affixed with childproof locks and clearly marked “18+”; separate...

BREAKING: Gay Activists Paint Pyramid Pink to Protest Arab Homophobia

BREAKING: Gay Activists Paint Pyramid Pink to Protest Arab Homophobia

CAIRO –Thousands of Egyptian locals and foreign tourists awoke to a startling sight on Wednesday: the Great Pyramid of Giza, the only surviving member of the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World, had been pinkwashed overnight. While many were at first convinced that the peculiar color was merely a reflection of the desert sunrise, it soon became clear that the ancient structure, built over 4,500 years ago, had been vandalized. A massive banner unfurled on the east-facing side of the...

Poll: Most ‘Liberal’ Zionists Secretly Hope Occupation Never Ends

Poll: Most ‘Liberal’ Zionists Secretly Hope Occupation Never Ends

Despite vocal opposition to Israeli control over the West Bank, most Israeli Jews who outwardly express support for a Palestinian state actually think it would be a disaster, according to a report by a Tel Aviv-based think tank. The findings are based on a poll conducted by the Israel Democracy Center among 2,000 self-described ‘Liberal’ Zionists in Israel. “We want to feel good about ourselves – and no one likes so-called ‘apartheid’ supporters in London, Amsterdam and Berlin, my favorite...

The Zohan Launches Presidential Run, Vows to “Make America Hummus-ier”

The Zohan Launches Presidential Run, Vows to “Make America Hummus-ier”

NEW YORK – Declaring that “neither De Donald nor De Hillary has what it takes to spread de American Dream around,” counter terrorist-turned-hair and hummus tycoon Zohan Dvir announced a historic independent run for the White House today, potentially transforming the current two-way U.S. Presidential race. “De Hillary is like smearing stale peanut butter on your toast, and De Donald like arsenic-laden shit,” said Dvir at his Ellis Island campaign launch, flanked by his running mate, wife and business partner,...