NAJRAN – Topless Kalashnikov-wielding militants patrol the streets, searching for pockets of resistance, while other units distribute food and water to thousands of refugees streaming into the fledgling ‘Islamo-feminist Caliphate of Pussirabia’ (‘Kussirabia’ in Arabic).
Najran District was an ideal target, says Al-Kus Brigades General Aisha Al-Mahbala. “It’s fertile, and adjacent to Yemen; we have an alliance with the Shi’ite Houthi rebels who rule the lands directly over the border. And while they are just as patriarchal as the House of Saud, the Houthis despise the Sunni Wahhabis as much as we do, thus agreeing to sell us arms.”
A path paved with the scrotums of slain Saudi clerics leads to a large pink tent; inside sits Al-Kussiya, the self-styled Calipha. “Welcome to the Garden of Pussirabia, Mr. Bulbulovitz,” she says, after gesturing to the young women sitting on her lap – one feeding her grapes and the other nuzzling on her nipple – to take leave. “You and your colleagues at the Mideast Beast are true allies in our holy war against the tyranny of sexual apartheid.”
ISIS, eat your pussy out
Over spiced lamb, watermelon and hashish, Al-Kussiya boasts of her enlightened rule: “Just this morning, I issued 15 fatwas, legalizing everything from re-education camps for misogynists and homophobes to mandatory public orgies, five times daily.” Nothing about her supremely confident demeanor betrays any fear over the impending Saudi assault to retake the breakaway territory: “Not only will we defend Najran, but we’ll drive westward to the Red Sea, opening up Pussirabia to maritime trade. You’ll see: by the end of the year, we’ll have take our rightful seat at the UN, our pink flag flapping in the Manhattan breeze.”
Stay tuned for more from TMB’s award-winning correspondent Boaz Bulbulovitz, reporting live from the front lines of the Lesjihadi insurgency in southern Saudi Arabia.