Politics

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl

Orthodox Newspaper The Announcer has developed a bit of a crush on Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt. The adolescent media outlet was reportedly being made to feel ‘all funny down there’ by the blond beauty, after being caught cropping her from photographs of the Paris unity march for Charlie Hebdo this week. The spotty periodical commented, “I don’t want to talk about it, get out of my room! Girls are smelly and weird. Meir Porush and me are just going...

Arab Leaders Attend Massive Rally in Qatar to Protest Plummeting Oil Prices

Arab Leaders Attend Massive Rally in Qatar to Protest Plummeting Oil Prices

Close to a million emirs, sheikhs, princes, sultans and other assorted royals walked arm in arm through Qatar’s capital city of Doha in an unprecedented display to pay tribute to the victims of the dramatic drop in oil prices. Prince Karam Abu Kassab, Qatar’s Assistant Minister of Transport, reflected the anguish felt by many protesters: “I had to let two of my longest serving concubines go. If US crude oil drops below $46.00 a barrel, the bank will foreclose on...

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want

The upcoming embargo of the Eastern Mediterranean party country (also known as Israel) has been wrecked from the start by a lack of things they would actually ever want. The call by professional despot groupie George Galloway for the Northern English city to become “Israel Free” has been greeted by widespread shoulder shrugging and excessive “huh’s?” across the sun drenched Jewish homeland. Aging amateur lounge lizard Tomer Kaplan remarked, “Bradford? That’s the place where they let the fat chicks into...

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Restored diplomatic ties in the Gulf have allowed Qatar to put in a delicate request for aid with neighbour the UAE The Mideast Beast has learnt. Speaking on condition of anonymity a high-ranking Qatari official told TMB that the country was requesting aid in securing an important service for the upcoming Soccer World Cup. “After a ‘lessons learned’ briefing from officials that attended the world cup in Brazil we have recognised that the oldest profession in the world is integral to the...

Autobots and Decepticons Praise OPEC Decision Not To Artificially Raise Price of Oil

Autobots and Decepticons Praise OPEC Decision Not To Artificially Raise Price of Oil

In a rare instance of fraternity, this week the Autobots and the Decepticons issued a joint statement expressing joy at the decision by the oil titan, OPEC, not to reduce production in order to raise oil prices. The two groups are normally known to be bitter rivals, but decided to issue the statement as a unified group due to its importance. The announcement made known that the two groups, “… as former citizens of the planet Cybertron would like to...

The Mideast Beast Staff in Hiding

The Mideast Beast Staff in Hiding

Dear Readers, I, together with the rest of The Mideast Beast staff, write from beneath the Israeli-Gazan border. Following the attack on satirical French weekly Charlie Hebdo, us satirists have been placed in an uncomfortable position (not that we mind, that’s kind of our bag, if we are to be slaughtered for saying what needs to be said, do we have the balls big enough to say it? While this debate raged publicly, we’ve formulated a plan, to flee underground and...

“Excusez-moi” Chant Jewish Ghosts Marching in Paris

“Excusez-moi” Chant Jewish Ghosts Marching in Paris

In the wake of the outpouring of grief and horror at the murders carried out against the staff of Charlie Hebdo, several ghosts of Jewish terror victims were seen marching down Paris’s Champs-Elysees. The march started quite small. “We are really pretty used to being ignored,” observed the ghost of Rabbi Jonathan Sandler as he walked hand in hand with the ghosts of his sons, Aryeh age 6 and Gabriel age 3 and their friend eight year-old Miriam all killed...

Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit

Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit

Hamas’s condemnation of the attack on the French satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo’s offices is itself a warped attempt at satire, The Mideast Beast reports. “With Qatar evicting [Hamas political leader] Khaled Mashal, we’re on the market for a new kingdom. Hamas is thus aligning itself with Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin and the Pope, all of whom have come out in strong support of the victims of the Charlie Hebdo shootings,” Hamas Senior Advisor Karim bin Abu Radisson declared Monday. RELATED: After Removing Hamas...

Rumored Yair Lapid-Mila Kunis-Cthulhu Merger Tops Polls

Rumored Yair Lapid-Mila Kunis-Cthulhu Merger Tops Polls

In ongoing Israeli election ‘merger fever’, a new poll shows that the rumored Yair Lapid-Mila Kunnis-Cthulhu list dominating if the election were held today, taking an amazing 45 Parliamentary seats. “It is certainly an interesting shiduch, that means ‘matchmaking’ for our Goyim audience by the way, wrote Israeli Commentator Bud Insky.” “Cthulhu obviously brings prestige and a security pedigree in these difficult times. I mean, Iran and the UN have tentacles but nothing compared to The Many Dreaded Darkness. And...

Mid-East Leaders Condemn Paris Shooting, Saying Only the Government is Allowed Prevent Free Speech

Mid-East Leaders Condemn Paris Shooting, Saying Only the Government is Allowed Prevent Free Speech

Leaders from across the Middle East unequivocally condemned the murder of 12 French citizens at the offices of a satirical newspaper, declaring the murder of journalists to be the job of the government alone. “The Egyptian people and government are appalled by the terrorist act that the French capital witnessed today,” said Egyptian President Abdel al-Sisi, whose government is currently holding several Al Jazeera reporters prisoner. “Freedom of the press is a sacred and fundamental right that should only be...

Hitler “Totally Not Hiding In Argentina” Says Old Argentinean Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Hitler

Hitler “Totally Not Hiding In Argentina” Says Old Argentinean Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Hitler

Mr Estevez looks very familiar, like someone you might recognize had the years been kinder. He has an odd accent for a person who claims to have lived his whole life in beautiful Buenos Aires, Argentina (image above). Spanish with a twinge of something stern that’s hard to place. This polite old man has been claiming in recent days that he knows for sure that Hitler is not hiding in Argentina, and that, as the prevailing theory suggests, he took his...

Je suis Charlie Hebdo

Je suis Charlie Hebdo

Stephane “Charb” Charbonnier, the Editor of the French satirical newspaper, Charlie Hebdo once said, “Disarm them with humor”. He and his team at Charlie Hebdo lived by that motto as they fought against fanaticism and fought for pluralism for nearly 25 years until they were brutally murdered in their office in Paris. Once again, the world witnessed the losses and grief that extremism causes. As hundreds gathered in Paris to mourn, and millions around the world watched in horror, it is...

With Joan Rivers Gone, Search for Next Loud-Mouth Jew Begins

With Joan Rivers Gone, Search for Next Loud-Mouth Jew Begins

In what was a sad turn of events for Israel supporters around the world in 2014, comedienne Joan Rivers passed away at the age of 81. “She was all we had. Literally that was it. She was really one of us. She spoke with lots of hand motions, insulting multiple people and ethnicities at once, and wasn’t necessarily right,” said a man on the way to the market in Jerusalem. Many supporters are thinking of honoring her time as a...

Italian New Official Language of the Middle East

Italian New Official Language of the Middle East

Taking a break from setting up secret military camps in Middle America, the United Nations has confirmed that beginning in 2015 Italian will be the formal language for all Middle Eastern nations. Explaining the dictate, Jonathan Bourg, Head of World Domination, said, “We’ve been thinking a lot about why things over there just won’t calm the fuck down. Some say it’s the heat, but I was at an Illuminati meeting in Fort Lauderdale just last week. It was 80 in...

World ‘slightly concerned’ as former Mossad agent to run for Prime Minister of Israel

World ‘slightly concerned’ as former Mossad agent to run for Prime Minister of Israel

The news that Tzipi Livni, a former Mossad agent and recently fired Minister of Parliament during Netanyahu’s latest purge, will run for Israel’s top political post in March is causing world leaders some concern. With rumors that the Mossad has been listening in on the White House for decades, President Obama commented, “Clever little bastards! How the hell am I supposed to talk smack about Israel and then deny it if Livni rises to power? Not only is she former Mossad...

Shimon Peres Slated as Guest Contestant in New Season of America’s Next Top Model

Shimon Peres Slated as Guest Contestant in New Season of America’s Next Top Model

The CW Television Network today announced that America’s Next Top Model’s upcoming 22nd season will include former Israeli President Shimon Peres among the contestants. Network CEO Mark Pedowitz was just giddy. “We saw Peres at a Hollywood United Jewish Appeal thing. Thought sure, put him on next season as a judge with Tyra Banks. Add a little class. He didn’t go to Harvard either, but his honorary degree is you know, a real degree. Anyway, Peres says, ‘why a judge and...

ISIS Sends Ominous Christmas Tweet to United States

ISIS Sends Ominous Christmas Tweet to United States

Paraphrasing pop star Mariah Carey’s yuletide classic, the Islamist militant group ISIS sent this threatening message to America and its allies over the Holidays: “#Season’sGreetingfromISIStoUS #CommanderInThief All we want for Christmas…is you. Hope your holiday is full of surprises. pic.twitter.com/LMAO420q69” The tweet features several disturbing images of ISIS fighters preparing for their next engagement by inflating balloons, swearing at each other in German and hugging strange cuddly beanbags from Japan. ISIS chief Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi recently remarked about his henchmen’s unorthodox...

Jeb Bush Actively Exploring Israeli Prime Minister Run

Jeb Bush Actively Exploring Israeli Prime Minister Run

After learning that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu leads in the polls for the upcoming election despite the latest scandal regarding his campaign finances, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced this week he is ‘actively exploring’ a run for the Israeli premiership. “The guy has a 38-percent approval rating and might be on the verge of winning a third straight term? By that logic George Jr. should still be in office,” commented Bush. “And I thought the Republican field for U.S....

Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase Launch Bid to Acquire Elders of Zion

Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase Launch Bid to Acquire Elders of Zion

In a move sure to shake up the shadowy realm of our dark overlords, rumors abound that upstarts Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase yesterday launched a bid to acquire The Elders of Zion, long one of the most respected brands among sinister secret societies. Reactions to the rumored move have been decidedly mixed. “All show,” declared senior analyst Al R. Thralls. “Sure, everybody knows that the Elders were amazing back in the day, but seriously? Citi, et al....

Israel has bad feeling it didn’t call Baroness Warsi after that one night…

Israel has bad feeling it didn’t call Baroness Warsi after that one night…

Israel is coming to terms with the fact that not calling Baroness Warsi after that drunken night at the “Rock for Peace” concert in Berlin last summer was a mistake. “Look I’m a little hazy about the whole thing,” admitted the Jewish Homeland. “Me and the Ivory Coast were just chilling in the VIP room and this delegation from the House of Lords rocked up. They were all pretty wasted already and this one chick asked me to guess what she...