Mideast leaders have today breathed a collective sigh of relief on knowing that the Yanks are back! Yes, just when you thought you would all have to sort your own shit out through “diplomacy”, the good ol’ U.S. of A is taking things back ‘old school’ with some 21,000 pound negotiating, as well as re-re-re-training the Iraqi Army, and like four or five...
Saying that it feared its diplomatic isolation could lead to humanitarian crisis, the White House announced that it has accepted food and water deliveries from Iran and Turkey. The move comes after nearly all the administration’s Washington, D.C. neighbors cut off diplomatic relations with the White House following allegations by former FBI director James Comey that the country’s leader had...
Islamic State, Al-Qaeda, Boko Haram, and other Islamic terror organizations are growing increasingly concerned that due to Global Warming, there might not be anyone left to kill. In a rare joint statement they condemned the Trump Administration for withdrawing from the Paris Climate Agreement saying “If Climate Change is allowed to continue, there won’t be anyone left for us to kill”. An...
In a huge faux pas, ISIS mistakenly took responsibility for decapitating President Trump and is now seeking revenge after finding out the photo of Kathy Griffin holding up a bloody Trump head wasn’t real. Unfortunately for Griffin her greatest fear is no longer that her dying career is finally over, as she has now officially been targeted by ISIS. There...
Saying that that he looked forward to a future in which his children could live in a global Caliphate without the fear of rising oceans, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that his country has replaced the US in the Paris Climate Agreement. “We believe that future generations should live in a world without infidels – and with polar bears,”...
Following Donald Trump’s announcement that the United States will back out of the Paris Climate Agreement, the Islamic State released a statement saying that it plans to blow up thousands of cars in the US to halt carbon emissions. The statement noted that withdrawing from the agreement which nearly 200 countries signed onto was a blow to both the US...
ALEPPO, SYRIA — Following attempts to introduce a Muslim ban, then to repeal and replace Obamacare, followed by a rocky visit with NATO countries, and topping things off with Trump officially announcing America’s withdrawal from the Paris Agreement on climate change, residents of Aleppo, Syria have suggested to President Donald Trump that civil wars are not nearly as good an idea as he seems to think....
UN Secretary-General António Guterres has once again dissociated his organization from a controversial Palestinian women’s center, after Palestinian officials changed the facility’s name to the “Martyr O.J. Simpson Palestinian Women’s Center.” The center’s new name caused embarrassment for both the UN and for Norway’s foreign ministry, which had sponsored the project. The controversy comes a week after the Palestinian Authority...
President Trump reversed an executive order banning immigrants and visa holders from seven Muslim countries Sunday after a nation-wide falafel shortage brought protestors to the streets in several major cities. Just hours after the ban went into place, long lines had formed outside falafel shops across the country, as beleaguered halal vendors struggled to meet the demand for the deep-fried...
Internal documents recovered by U.S. Special Forces in Syria revealed that “thoughts and prayers” are not as effective against ISIS as once thought. The documents recovered have revealed that typing a status on Facebook and even to your 100 Twitter followers has not had the desired effect of deterring future attacks, nor have calls by celebrities for co-existence have had much...
Republican Greg Gianforte has turned down a seat as Montana’s lone congressman, announcing Friday that he will instead accept a position as Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s press secretary and head of security. “I am greatly honored that the voters of Montana have elected me after my body-slam of a Guardian reporter,” Gianforte said in a statement released Friday morning....
Citing her “tremendous success” in bridging the gap between the police and the Black Lives Matter movement, President Trump announced he has appointed Kendall Jenner to lead Israeli-Palestinian peace talks for his administration. “Listen, this Kendall Jenner, I’m hearing great things,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “I hear she does amazing things with Pepsi, and she is being recognized more...
Kim Jong-un was reportedly dismayed this week when his successful ballistic missile tests failed to garner the international attention that he expected after being overtaken by Trump’s visit to the Middle East. The official news source of the People’s Democratic-nothing-to-see-here- everything-is-super-good-Republic of North Korea released a statement from the leader demanding: “Who the fuck do I have to kill to...
Journalists have confirmed that, as a result of his time spent in sunny Saudi Arabia, Donald Trump’s skin has now changed color to an orange a full three shades darker than the one he left the States with. President Trump, whose skin tone had previously been described as ‘Golden Flame’ with a nod to ‘Burnt Orange’, has now deepened and...
Saying that they were disgusted but a bit relieved to learn that their stereotypes were in fact spot on, Saudi officials reportedly emerged from meetings with Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner more certain than ever of their negative opinion of Jews. “My whole life I was told that Jews were immoral and obsessed solely with money and power, but I...
King Salman of Saudi Arabia is reportedly becoming resentful that President Trump is still in the Kingdom. “Look I gave him the shiny medal, signed the $100 billion arms deal and smiled politely as he danced like a typical, old white guy. He just needs a photo with a falcon and he’s completed the ‘US Presidential Arab Travel Special’, as...
President Trump announced today that he will be canceling his upcoming visit to Israel after being denied permission to land his helicopter on top of the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem. Combining this incident with having been previously being denied what would have been unprecedented permission to land on the top of the Masada fortress, Mr. Trump reportedly threw up...
Since before the election, President Trump has been talking a tough game on Iran, calling Obama’s concessions “terrible,” “very bad” and “sad.” However, after enjoying a “phenomenal” slice of lemon pound cake at the Mar-a-Lago resort with Chinese President Xi Jinping, he’s beginning to change his tune. “What’s clear to me, after talking to Xi…I feel like I can call...
Nearly four decades after Americans helped their country drive out Soviet forces, Afghan leaders have pledged to return the favor by freeing the US from Russia’s grasp. “We will never forget that in 1979, when the Russians overthrew our rulers and installed a puppet government, Americans had our backs,” Taliban Emir Hibatullah Akhundzada told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the...
Following its successful ad campaign in which people with radically opposing views discuss their differences over a beer, Heineken International has decided to put it to the test on a geopolitical level. On Tuesday, Israeli Prime Minster, Benjamin Netanyahu and Chairman of the PLO, Mahmoud Abbas were seated at opposite ends of a bar, given a puzzle to solve together...
