Rusty Sachs

Born Joel Sachsberg, his father was a world famous shawarma connoisseur and his mother a psychotherapist who invented guilt induction behavior therapy. He changed his name after his elementary school crush, Christina McNeil, told him his people were responsible for the death of God’s son. A young Joel reasoned that he was not dead, but had merely been reincarnated as a cute bunny rabbit who lays chocolate, but to no avail. In his early 20’s he joined Hamas’s military brigade to spite a female Israeli soldier who refused to give him a handjob in the back of the birthright bus. He quickly quit after the Hamas commanding officer refused to stop playing his Matisyahu CD.

When he is not kidnapping Christian children to use their blood in matzah (a 4:1 flour to blood ratio is ideal), Rusty enjoys scrapbooking and posting passive aggressive Facebook statuses.

 

God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2019th Time
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God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2019th Time

After another year of war between Middle East countries and factions, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different. “2018 didn’t go as planned, but new year new me! In 2019 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars #resolutions #motivated” God immediately got to work, reading several informative BuzzFeed articles on how to keep...

Jewish, Arab Colleagues Endure Middle East Questions from Co-Workers
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Jewish, Arab Colleagues Endure Middle East Questions from Co-Workers

Yoni Hertzelshtein and Yusuf Habibi, have yet again had their morning cigarette break interrupted by a colleague wanting to understand ‘all that crazy stuff happening over there’. The pair, who work in the marketing department for Tampon manufacturer Kimberly-Clark, explained this is not a unique occurrence. “When things are really kicking off we can expect inane questions at any time...

Total Middle East Peace Achieved after Settlement Resolution Passed in UN
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Total Middle East Peace Achieved after Settlement Resolution Passed in UN

Following the surprising passage of UNSC resolution 2334, stating that settlements in East Jerusalem and the West Bank are illegal and are a major obstacle to peace, all conflicts have ended and peace has immediately spread to all corners of the previously volatile region. “I had begun to think that we might be disproportionately targeting Israel in the UN, but...

Obama Vows to Make One Last Crappy Deal With Iran Before Leaving Office
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Obama Vows to Make One Last Crappy Deal With Iran Before Leaving Office

With just over two months left in power, the Obama administration is looking for the final chapter to cement its legacy. After brokering a nuclear agreement with Iran which could be summarized as, “Please don’t enrich uranium or we will be sad” and then proceeding to circumvent their own agreement by paying Iran 1.3 billion dollars in cash, it seemed...

Syrian President Invites Trump to ‘Civil War Evening Classes’
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Syrian President Invites Trump to ‘Civil War Evening Classes’

Donald Trump’s election win has left pollsters shocked and the country divided. Democratic supporters have been left thinking ‘what-if’ and thousands of protestors have already taken to the streets to protest the victory. While many fear Trump’s victory will destroy the country and split it in half, Syrian leader Bashar Al-Assad is not impressed. “Yes, yes people are pissed and...

ISIS Expresses Disappointment over Twitter’s Decision to Shut Down Vine
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ISIS Expresses Disappointment over Twitter’s Decision to Shut Down Vine

Twitter’s decision to shutter Vine, the six-second video sharing service, has been met with disappointment worldwide, and the reaction from ISIS leadership has been no different. “We are shocked by the sudden removal of the social media platform which brought us such unforgettable generational talents as King Bach, Britney Furlan, and Lele Pons,” stated senior ISIS leader Abu Muhammad al-Shimali....

Survey: Two out of Three Palestinian Terrorists Prefer Subaru for Car Ramming Attacks Against Israelis
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Survey: Two out of Three Palestinian Terrorists Prefer Subaru for Car Ramming Attacks Against Israelis

Car and Driver magazine has released survey results from the West Bank and Gaza suggesting that when it comes to carrying out vehicular acts of terror against Israelis, Palestinians prefer the Japanese automaker Subaru. “It makes total sense. The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS) consistently gives Subaru top safety ratings. We don’t want attackers sustaining an injury while running...

Trump Threatens to Release Video Proving Obama, Clinton Carried out Harambe Murder
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Trump Threatens to Release Video Proving Obama, Clinton Carried out Harambe Murder

NEW HAMPSHIRE — At his most recent rally in New Hampshire, Donald Trump dropped a bombshell that has the general public scared, confused and shocked. “Folks, it seems that creating the most violent terrorist organization in the world was not enough for Obama and Crooked Hillary, and nor is the current “reinvestigation” by the FBI into Clinton’s emails. No, something far...

UNESCO Claims no Connection Between Jewish Heritage, Circumcision
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UNESCO Claims no Connection Between Jewish Heritage, Circumcision

The Israeli government has slammed the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization for passing a resolution stating that “circumcision is a purely Islamic act” and “cutting of the wee wee’s foreskin has no Jewish significance whatsoever”. “Do I need to line up every Jewish male in Israel and have them whip out their shmekels to show the UNESCO executive...

Anti-Israel UC Irvine Students Peacefully Scare the Shit Out of Jewish Students
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Anti-Israel UC Irvine Students Peacefully Scare the Shit Out of Jewish Students

The UC Irvine chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) disrupted a showing of the Israeli film “Beneath the Helmet” by yelling obscenities, physically blocking students, and attempting to force their way into the room where the event was being held. When asked for comment, SJP President Celine Qussiny expressed pride over how the organization peacefully physically intimidated the...

UK Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn: “We Love Jews and Their Crooked Noses”

UK Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn: “We Love Jews and Their Crooked Noses”

A number of anti-Semitic and anti-Israel incidents have landed the UK Labour party in hot water. The party recently severed ties with a security firm due to its ties to Israel; MP Naz Shah was suspended for old Facebook posts suggesting that Israel be relocated to the US, while former London Mayor Ken Livingstone was suspended for comments claiming Hitler supported Zionism. Additionally,...

Turkish President: “Releasing Criminals to Jail Teachers, Lawyers and Civil Servants Will Make the Country Safer”

Turkish President: “Releasing Criminals to Jail Teachers, Lawyers and Civil Servants Will Make the Country Safer”

ANKARA — The Turkish President announced Thursday a program of mass pardons of current prisoners to clear space for all those really dangerous white collar workers and intellectuals. “We’re all about giving people second chances.” said the Turkish president. “Unless you are suspected of being involved in the failed coup. In that case, you go directly to jail and do not...

Iran Enlists the Help of 50 Cent and Diddy to Spend $400 million
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Iran Enlists the Help of 50 Cent and Diddy to Spend $400 million

The Iranian government, having recently received a $400 million payment from the American government which was definitely not a ransom payment, has enlisted rappers 50 Cent and Diddy for advice on the best way to spend the money. “Since the money was already in cash and in relatively small denominations, they suggested that we ‘hit up the strip club’ and...