Rusty Sachs

Born Joel Sachsberg, his father was a world famous shawarma connoisseur and his mother a psychotherapist who invented guilt induction behavior therapy. He changed his name after his elementary school crush, Christina McNeil, told him his people were responsible for the death of God’s son. A young Joel reasoned that he was not dead, but had merely been reincarnated as a cute bunny rabbit who lays chocolate, but to no avail. In his early 20’s he joined Hamas’s military brigade to spite a female Israeli soldier who refused to give him a handjob in the back of the birthright bus. He quickly quit after the Hamas commanding officer refused to stop playing his Matisyahu CD.

When he is not kidnapping Christian children to use their blood in matzah (a 4:1 flour to blood ratio is ideal), Rusty enjoys scrapbooking and posting passive aggressive Facebook statuses.

 

Lebanese and Israeli Game of Hide-and-Seek Misinterpreted at Olympics

Lebanese and Israeli Game of Hide-and-Seek Misinterpreted at Olympics

The Lebanese national team has been reprimanded by the International Olympic Committee for refusing to ride a bus with the Israeli delegation. Israeli sailing coach, Udi Gal, was infuriated by the incident, calling out the IOC on Facebook by using all the sad emoji’s he could think of and making full use of the new ‘dislike’ feature. Head of the Lebanese delegation, Al-Haj Nakoula, stated the whole incident was a simple misunderstanding. “We saw the Israeli team approaching and assumed...

Terror Group Al-Nusra Splits from Al Qaeda, Says “It’s Not You, It’s Me”

Terror Group Al-Nusra Splits from Al Qaeda, Says “It’s Not You, It’s Me”

Jabhat Al-Nusra recently announced it will be breaking apart from Al Qaeda in an attempt to appeal to a wider audience in Syria. “We wanted to become more sexy and modern. Al Qaeda just wasn’t giving off that vibe.” Said Mostafa Mahamed, one of the group’s leaders. The organization has also changed its name to Jabhat Fateh Al-Sham (the Front for the Conquest of the Levant) as part of its attempt to rebrand. “Just like when Zayn quit one direction,...

Trump Promises to Raise Captain Humayan Khan from the Dead, Deport him Immediately After

Trump Promises to Raise Captain Humayan Khan from the Dead, Deport him Immediately After

Doubling down on his strategy to attack Khizr and Ghazala Khan, the Gold Star parents of deceased Captain Humayan Khan, Trump continued his ‘say the stupidest thing possible and still get elected’ campaign by claiming that had he been president 12 years ago Khizr Khan’s son would still be alive. He also stated that if elected president, he is the only one that could resurrect the Bronze Star and Purple Star recipient. “If I was president at the time, he...

It’s Official: ISIS Executes Mr. Mime Pokémon

It’s Official: ISIS Executes Mr. Mime Pokémon

ISIS member, Mohammed Abdulrahman had been playing Pokémon GO when he stumbled upon a Mr. Mime in the ISIS occupied territory of Mosul. “I was hoping to catch a Pikachu. I was pretty disappointed to find it was this annoying Pokémon.” After watching it flail his hands and yell ‘Mr. Mime’ over and over, Mohammed reported the psychic Pokémon to authorities where it was immediately placed under arrest and beheaded. RELATED: “PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa The...

Sanders to Focus on Senior Citizens Community Presidential Run

Sanders to Focus on Senior Citizens Community Presidential Run

Following his long drawn out battle with Hilary Clinton, Bernie Sanders gave an impassioned announcement that his presidential aspirations are not over. “To all you Bernie Bros, let me just say…this is not the end of our journey because I, Bernie Sanders, announce my candidacy for the Boca Raton Century Village Presidential Race.” He vowed to remain faithful to his principles and guaranteed that everyone in the community would be afforded the same opportunities. “First, I will change the rules...

Barack Obama Reluctantly Endorses Hillary Clinton with a Series of Backhanded Comparisons

Barack Obama Reluctantly Endorses Hillary Clinton with a Series of Backhanded Comparisons

The race for the US presidency has dwindled down to its final two candidates (Bernie, let’s not make this any harder than it has to be) and Barack Obama has thrown his support behind Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton. “In the 2008 democratic primaries I schooled the botox right out of Hillary, then asked her to be my Secretary of State. I recall thinking, ‘Man, this is just the cherry on top….I can’t humiliate her more even if I tried’. I felt bad...

NY Governor Bans “Buying Duck Semen”, Pro-Israel Groups Incorrectly Celebrate Win Against “BDS”

NY Governor Bans “Buying Duck Semen”, Pro-Israel Groups Incorrectly Celebrate Win Against “BDS”

Many pro-Israel publications recently reported that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has recently taken steps to ban the Boycott Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) movement against Israel for singling out the Jewish State; however, after further investigation by The Mideast Beast it was discovered the commonly used BDS acronym was misleading. “No, this ruling has nothing to do with Israel boycotts, we just wanted to ban the purchase of waterfowl seminal fluid (#BanDuckSemen). It had become a major issue on the...

Inspired By Brock Turner’s Dad, Father of Captured ISIS Terrorist Pens Letter to Iraqi Judge

Inspired By Brock Turner’s Dad, Father of Captured ISIS Terrorist Pens Letter to Iraqi Judge

Inspired by his new hero Dan Turner, father of convicted Stanford rapist Brock Turner, a father of a captured ISIS fighter recently published a letter in attempt to appeal to an Iraqi judge who sentenced his son Ahmed to life imprisonment. Exclusive to The Mideast Beast, here is the letter in full: “I am writing this letter to tell you about Ahmed and the person he really is. I know he is truly sorry for what has happened continuously and...

Three U.S. Residents Conspired to Join ISIS, Wanted to ‘Escape Hellhole known as Minnesota’

Three U.S. Residents Conspired to Join ISIS, Wanted to ‘Escape Hellhole known as Minnesota’

Three Minnesota residents, Guled Ali Omar, Abdirahman Yasin Daud, and Mohamed Abdihamid Farah were all convicted of conspiracy to murder overseas, provide material support to a terrorist organization and a slew of other charges in connection with their attempts to join ISIS. While many in the Minneapolis Somali community have wondered why they would want to join the violent terrorist organization, their defense attorney Glenn Bruder provided a seemingly simple and logical answer, “It was the only way they could...

Israel to Open New “Politician Ward” at Penitentiary

Israel to Open New “Politician Ward” at Penitentiary

Maasiyahu Prison, located in central Israel, will soon open a new block dedicated to housing jailed former politicians. The influx of convicted public officials over the past few years has made it difficult for the facility to find accommodations for the new regal residents. “We don’t have enough jail cells to go around.” Explained jail warden Ofer Shmueli. “Also, I can’t put them with the regular criminals, they’re well known politicians.” When asked if there was concern with them being targeted celebrities,...

“Must Respect Others’ Opinions,” Says Turkish President After Arresting Journalist for Tweets

“Must Respect Others’ Opinions,” Says Turkish President After Arresting Journalist for Tweets

Ebru Umar, a Dutch columnist and outspoken critic of Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan, was arrested in the city of Kusadasi while on holiday. It is widely assumed (or fucking right on the mark) actions were taken against her by authorities because of a number of insulting tweets towards the Turkish leader. “Ms. Umar needs to understand that she can’t just go criticizing anyone who she doesn’t agree with. The modern world is filled with different opinions and we need to...

Iran Ranked 2nd in 2015 Executions; “We Have Higher Expectations for next Year”, Says Rouhani

Iran Ranked 2nd in 2015 Executions; “We Have Higher Expectations for next Year”, Says Rouhani

Amnesty international recently reported that there was a 50% increase in executions during 2015, with over 1,600 officially counted. China had the highest number, with Iran, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and the US rounding out that top 5. Although not disappointed by a second place showing, Iran promises to come back in 2016 aiming for gold. “Listen, I won’t sit here and be all doom and gloom. Sure, we didn’t place first, but we came ahead of some stiff competition. I...

Israeli PM on Settlements: “It’s the Best Strategy in ‘Settlers of Catan’, so Why Not Here?”

Israeli PM on Settlements: “It’s the Best Strategy in ‘Settlers of Catan’, so Why Not Here?”

A transcript released by the New York Daily News revealed a more in depth view of Democratic Party candidate Bernie Sanders’ position on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He was critical of the Israeli policy on settlement construction and expanded on his belief that Israel should halt construction and ultimately withdraw from the West Bank. When Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was pressed for a response he was adamant that settlement construction was the only way to triumph. “Listen, a settlement gets...

Mideast Peace in Sight as UN Human Rights Council Votes to Blacklist Companies in Settlements

Mideast Peace in Sight as UN Human Rights Council Votes to Blacklist Companies in Settlements

The UNHRC maintained its perfect record of implementing resolutions against Israel by voting to form a blacklist of companies operating in Israeli settlements at its most recent session. “We can finally breathe a sigh of relief, we thought this historic moment would never come” said Saudi Arabian head of UNHRC Faisal Bin Hassan Trad. “The horrible human rights violations committed by Israel is tearing the region apart. With this resolution we can finally start to heal”. When challenged on Saudi...

Nate Robinson Makes Israeli Basketball Debut; Excited About Upcoming ‘Bris’

Nate Robinson Makes Israeli Basketball Debut; Excited About Upcoming ‘Bris’

Three-time NBA slam dunk champ Nate Robinson received a raucous ovation during introductions at the sold out Drive-in Arena for his first game with Hapoel Tel Aviv. He immediately made his presence known, scoring 25 points while showing off an array of skills throughout the game. Head coach Sharon Avrahami praised the new comer, complimenting his big play despite his diminutive 1.75m stature. “When I first saw it, I was like whoa I was not expecting it to be that...

Following Arab League Terrorist Designation, Hezbollah to Overhaul Image for Wider “Terror Appeal”

Following Arab League Terrorist Designation, Hezbollah to Overhaul Image for Wider “Terror Appeal”

The Arab league recently voted to formally brand the Shia militant group Hezbollah a terrorist organization. The move was seen as a show of strength by Saudi Arabia that would further deepen tensions between the Kingdom and its major regional rival Iran, who backs the Shiite Lebanese organization. Hezbollah Secretary-General Hassan Nasrallah openly condemned the move calling it ‘provocative’ but also took the opportunity to reflect on the organizations need to re-establish itself within the militant community. “We’d be lying...

Egyptian Politician Claims Niqab a ‘Jewish Tradition’, Global Sales Plummet

Egyptian Politician Claims Niqab a ‘Jewish Tradition’, Global Sales Plummet

The Niqab, a full face veil covering, has long been a point of contention due to its perceived oppressive nature and suspicion the wearer may actually be a skilled ninja. Muslim scholars have debated whether Islamic text deems it to be obligatory, while various non-Muslim countries have worked towards making it outright illegal with some even succeeding. Attempts to ban the niqab in public are often met with accusations of racism, that is until Egyptian parliamentarian, Amna Nosseir, recently claimed Jewish...

Obama Has ‘High’, ‘Dope’ Hopes for New ‘Joint’ Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks

Obama Has ‘High’, ‘Dope’ Hopes for New ‘Joint’ Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks

In a last ditch effort to reinvigorate negotiations between Israelis and Palestinians, President Obama has called for the facilitation of a new ‘joint’ effort. The President held a news conference to ‘roll’ out the main points of the initiative, along with the National Cannabis Association (NCA). “Now, I will be ‘blunt’, I don’t expect this to be a quick fix, but rather a ‘slow burn’” said the president. “This effort will focus on the youth in the region, who we hope...

Iran Insists Ballistic Missiles Will Be Used Only to Deliver Messages of Peace

Iran Insists Ballistic Missiles Will Be Used Only to Deliver Messages of Peace

The Iranian nuclear deal is once again at the forefront of the news after the Iranian Fars News Agency reported that the Revolutionary Guard carried out testing of long-range ballistic missiles. Israeli officials are up in arms claiming there is no doubt of the intended use of the weapons, especially considering the phrase “Israel must be wiped out” was emblazoned on the missiles, in Hebrew. Iranian ministry spokesman Hossein Jaberi Ansari insists the phrase was taken out of context. “The...

UN-Hamas Joint Venture To Build Multi-Functional School/Rocket Launching Pad Facilities in Gaza

UN-Hamas Joint Venture To Build Multi-Functional School/Rocket Launching Pad Facilities in Gaza

Amid rising tensions over lone-wolf stabbings, lack of progress in peace talks and increasing frustration over Israel’s blockade of Gaza, and with the region looking well on its way to renewing its 68th annual “Palestinians and Israelis Fucking Can’t Stand One Another” popular concert series, the UN and Hamas have teamed up to equip Gaza with a dual purpose elementary school and rocket Launchpad. “In 2014 we received many complaints in our Facebook comment boxes about people being unhappy with...