Rusty Sachs

Born Joel Sachsberg, his father was a world famous shawarma connoisseur and his mother a psychotherapist who invented guilt induction behavior therapy. He changed his name after his elementary school crush, Christina McNeil, told him his people were responsible for the death of God’s son. A young Joel reasoned that he was not dead, but had merely been reincarnated as a cute bunny rabbit who lays chocolate, but to no avail. In his early 20’s he joined Hamas’s military brigade to spite a female Israeli soldier who refused to give him a handjob in the back of the birthright bus. He quickly quit after the Hamas commanding officer refused to stop playing his Matisyahu CD.

When he is not kidnapping Christian children to use their blood in matzah (a 4:1 flour to blood ratio is ideal), Rusty enjoys scrapbooking and posting passive aggressive Facebook statuses.

 

Lebanese and Israeli Game of Hide-and-Seek Misinterpreted at Olympics
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Lebanese and Israeli Game of Hide-and-Seek Misinterpreted at Olympics

The Lebanese national team has been reprimanded by the International Olympic Committee for refusing to ride a bus with the Israeli delegation. Israeli sailing coach, Udi Gal, was infuriated by the incident, calling out the IOC on Facebook by using all the sad emoji’s he could think of and making full use of the new ‘dislike’ feature. Head of the...

It’s Official: ISIS Executes Mr. Mime Pokémon
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It’s Official: ISIS Executes Mr. Mime Pokémon

ISIS member, Mohammed Abdulrahman had been playing Pokémon GO when he stumbled upon a Mr. Mime in the ISIS occupied territory of Mosul. “I was hoping to catch a Pikachu. I was pretty disappointed to find it was this annoying Pokémon.” After watching it flail his hands and yell ‘Mr. Mime’ over and over, Mohammed reported the psychic Pokémon to...

Sanders to Focus on Senior Citizens Community Presidential Run
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Sanders to Focus on Senior Citizens Community Presidential Run

Following his long drawn out battle with Hilary Clinton, Bernie Sanders gave an impassioned announcement that his presidential aspirations are not over. “To all you Bernie Bros, let me just say…this is not the end of our journey because I, Bernie Sanders, announce my candidacy for the Boca Raton Century Village Presidential Race.” He vowed to remain faithful to his...

NY Governor Bans “Buying Duck Semen”, Pro-Israel Groups Incorrectly Celebrate Win Against “BDS”

NY Governor Bans “Buying Duck Semen”, Pro-Israel Groups Incorrectly Celebrate Win Against “BDS”

Many pro-Israel publications recently reported that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has recently taken steps to ban the Boycott Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) movement against Israel for singling out the Jewish State; however, after further investigation by The Mideast Beast it was discovered the commonly used BDS acronym was misleading. “No, this ruling has nothing to do with Israel boycotts,...

Three U.S. Residents Conspired to Join ISIS, Wanted to ‘Escape Hellhole known as Minnesota’
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Three U.S. Residents Conspired to Join ISIS, Wanted to ‘Escape Hellhole known as Minnesota’

Three Minnesota residents, Guled Ali Omar, Abdirahman Yasin Daud, and Mohamed Abdihamid Farah were all convicted of conspiracy to murder overseas, provide material support to a terrorist organization and a slew of other charges in connection with their attempts to join ISIS. While many in the Minneapolis Somali community have wondered why they would want to join the violent terrorist...

Israel to Open New “Politician Ward” at Penitentiary

Israel to Open New “Politician Ward” at Penitentiary

Maasiyahu Prison, located in central Israel, will soon open a new block dedicated to housing jailed former politicians. The influx of convicted public officials over the past few years has made it difficult for the facility to find accommodations for the new regal residents. “We don’t have enough jail cells to go around.” Explained jail warden Ofer Shmueli. “Also, I can’t put...

Israeli PM on Settlements: “It’s the Best Strategy in ‘Settlers of Catan’, so Why Not Here?”

Israeli PM on Settlements: “It’s the Best Strategy in ‘Settlers of Catan’, so Why Not Here?”

A transcript released by the New York Daily News revealed a more in depth view of Democratic Party candidate Bernie Sanders’ position on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He was critical of the Israeli policy on settlement construction and expanded on his belief that Israel should halt construction and ultimately withdraw from the West Bank. When Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was...

Following Arab League Terrorist Designation, Hezbollah to Overhaul Image for Wider “Terror Appeal”
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Following Arab League Terrorist Designation, Hezbollah to Overhaul Image for Wider “Terror Appeal”

The Arab league recently voted to formally brand the Shia militant group Hezbollah a terrorist organization. The move was seen as a show of strength by Saudi Arabia that would further deepen tensions between the Kingdom and its major regional rival Iran, who backs the Shiite Lebanese organization. Hezbollah Secretary-General Hassan Nasrallah openly condemned the move calling it ‘provocative’ but...

Iran Insists Ballistic Missiles Will Be Used Only to Deliver Messages of Peace
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Iran Insists Ballistic Missiles Will Be Used Only to Deliver Messages of Peace

The Iranian nuclear deal is once again at the forefront of the news after the Iranian Fars News Agency reported that the Revolutionary Guard carried out testing of long-range ballistic missiles. Israeli officials are up in arms claiming there is no doubt of the intended use of the weapons, especially considering the phrase “Israel must be wiped out” was emblazoned...