Judy Daisycutter

 

CHOP Condemns Itself After Discovering Cultural Appropriation
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CHOP Condemns Itself After Discovering Cultural Appropriation

CHOP (Capitol Hill Occupied Protest), formerly known as CHAZ (Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone) condemned itself after realizing that its new acronym constitutes cultural appropriation – CHOP for chopsticks – and also a subtle form of racism, as the name indicates a preference for Chinese food. To prevent more emotional damage, CHOP immediately went back to calling itself CHAZ and released...

ISIS Executes “Racist Journalist” for Insensitive Tweet
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ISIS Executes “Racist Journalist” for Insensitive Tweet

ISIS recently executed an unnamed American “racist journalist” in Syria after he tweeted that infidel lives matter, too. The execution came at a time of increased international focus on institutionalized media racism, after several high profile resignations of male editors from US newspapers, such as that of executive editor  Stan Wischnowski of The Philadelphia Inquirer, who recently resigned after experiencing...

Syria Offers to Train “Woefully Undertrained” US Police
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Syria Offers to Train “Woefully Undertrained” US Police

Syrian President Bashar Assad has offered his own country’s police force to train US law enforcement after experts said that it is “woefully undertrained” on using force. Assad, who has a soft spot for minorities, and their rights, spoke to The Mideast Beast about his concerns for America’s future. “It’s very crucial that US authorities quickly restore law and order,...

Stable Putinocracy Superior to Unstable Democracy

Stable Putinocracy Superior to Unstable Democracy

Russian president Vladimir Putin could stay in power until 2036 if Russian lawmakers approve of a new constitutional amendment, which would scrap the current presidential term limit. The amendment is expected to be approved, whether lawmakers like it or not, as Putin, who has been in power a mere total of 20 years, both as president and prime minister, has...

Bernie Sanders: This Should Have Been My Revolutionary Moment
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Bernie Sanders: This Should Have Been My Revolutionary Moment

Bernie Sanders, who dropped out of the Democratic presidential race in April, spoke to The Mideast Beast about the latest developments in the US and his lack of plans. “It’s not easy to watch Biden squandering this opportunity”, said Sanders. “Cities are finally burning in revolution against the Trump regime, and I am not there to lead the charge. Only...

Assad: I Invented Permanent Social Distancing
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Assad: I Invented Permanent Social Distancing

As Minneapolis and dozens of other US cities were burning during riots following the murder of George Floyd by a police officer, The Mideast Beast asked Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who is known as a seasoned expert on handling crowd control, what he thought about Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey’s handling of the situation. “Well, I am a gentle, polite man...

Iran’s Supreme Leader: At Heart, I Am a Social Justice Warrior

Iran’s Supreme Leader: At Heart, I Am a Social Justice Warrior

Following the killing of George Floyd, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has tried to show that he is really into social justice, tweeting, “If you’re dark-skinned walking in the US, you can’t be sure you’ll be alive in the next few minutes. #ICan’tBreathe, #BlackLivesMatter”. He then dove headfirst into slavery, saying it “is one of the tragic events in history. They...

Captured ISIS Commander: We Were Misunderstood Boy Scouts

Captured ISIS Commander: We Were Misunderstood Boy Scouts

Iraq recently announced that it had captured senior ISIS Commander Abdul Nasser Qardash. The Mideast Beast managed to speak briefly to Qardash over Zoom about his views of the terrorist organization of which he formed a central part. “ISIS was completely misunderstood”, said Qardash, “All we ever wanted, and our late leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi made this abundantly clear, was...

Biden: Some of My Best Friends Are Black

Biden: Some of My Best Friends Are Black

Presumptive Democratic nominee for president, Joe Biden has been very busy apologizing for telling a black radio host that African-Americans “ain’t black, man!” if they are unsure who to support in November’s election. “Some of my best friends are black”, Biden told The Mideast Beast. “I am sorry that they now know how I really feel about them, just because...

Iran’s Supreme Leader: Some of My Best Friends Are Jews
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Iran’s Supreme Leader: Some of My Best Friends Are Jews

Iran’s “Supreme Leader” Ali Khamenei, clearly frustrated, recently went on a prolonged Twitter rant, in which he, among other things, described Israel as “a cancerous tumor”. The rant came as a poster published on Khamenei’s website using the words “final solution” and calling for Israel’s destruction, drew criticism. “The Zionist regime understands no logic except force and it is the...

Afghanistan Commends Israel on Following Its Highly Democratic Example

Afghanistan Commends Israel on Following Its Highly Democratic Example

Afghanistan, a country so entrenched in democratic practices that up until recently it had no less than two presidents, congratulated Israel’s newly sworn in government, led by Prime Minister Netanyahu and “alternate” Prime Minister Benny Gantz. (It is unclear what “alternate prime minister” means – Gantz is only supposed to take over in 18 months – other than more expenses...

Abbas Offers Netanyahu Advice on How to Make One Elected Term Last Forever

Abbas Offers Netanyahu Advice on How to Make One Elected Term Last Forever

The Mideast Beast spoke to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu shortly after his new government was sworn in, the 35th in Israel’s modern history, and asked him to confirm whether he intends to hand over power to his coalition partner in the unity government, Benny Gantz, in 18 months’ time, as agreed. “If I had to count all those who eulogized...

Netanyahu: Record Number of Ministers Needed to Solve Record Unemployment

Netanyahu: Record Number of Ministers Needed to Solve Record Unemployment

At a time when Israel faces the biggest unemployment crisis in its history, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is finally ready to present Israel’s new government, the largest in the country’s history, consisting of 36 ministers and 16 deputy ministers. Members of the Likud party were squabbling over portfolios until the last moment, offended that they had only been offered minor...

Assad: Defenestration of Russian Doctors “Brings Back Nostalgic Memories”

Assad: Defenestration of Russian Doctors “Brings Back Nostalgic Memories”

At least three doctors have mysteriously fallen out of hospital windows in Russia recently with two of them dying from their injuries. The doctors had been critical of Russia’s handling of the coronavirus and had spoken out about Russia’s lack of preparedness and PPE shortages. One of the doctors had reportedly been forced to work by the hospital, despite being...

Iran: Al Quds Day Moving Online
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Iran: Al Quds Day Moving Online

Due to the ongoing novel coronavirus pandemic, which has hit Iran especially hard, the country will be cancelling its annual Quds Day demonstrations, which are actually less about Jerusalem and rather a bit more focused on the customary call for Israel’s annihilation. “It was an extremely difficult decision to make,” admitted Ramezan Sharif, spokesman of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps,...

Trump: ‘I am the Second Coming of Christ’
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Trump: ‘I am the Second Coming of Christ’

President Donald Trump recently said that God had spoken to him in a dream and indicated that he had sent the novel Coronavirus for Trump to “prove himself”. “…And then came a Plague, a tremendous Plague, and the World was never to be the same again! But America rose from this death and destruction, always remembering its many dead, and...

Iran: ‘Never Believe Women’

Iran: ‘Never Believe Women’

Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is offering his election expertise to the Democratic Party again, stressing that, while there are never easy answers, you really should never believe women. “I will admit that it’s getting a bit tiring to keep offering the Democratic Party our elections expertise”,  Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “But Democrats are clearly in over their...

Iran Arrests Thousands of Carriers of Virulent “Truth-Virus”

Iran Arrests Thousands of Carriers of Virulent “Truth-Virus”

Iran has arrested 3,600 people for spreading the truth about the number of Iranians who have been infected, and died, from the novel coronavirus. According to Iranian officials, the coronavirus outbreak has killed nearly 6,000 Iranians and infected over 93,500, but dissidents claim that the numbers are much higher with some saying that the virus has “claimed the lives of nearly 38,000...

AOC: Suicide Bombers Should Blow Themselves up Rather Than Go Back to Work

AOC: Suicide Bombers Should Blow Themselves up Rather Than Go Back to Work

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) has told The Mideast Beast that suicide bombers should not accept a reopening of the economy and instead blow themselves up in protest. “We have this discussion about ‘going back’ or ‘reopening’ — I think a lot of people should just say, ‘No, we’re not going back to that. We’re not going back to working 70-hour weeks...