Judy Daisycutter

 

European Union, Amnesty, ACLU: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling

European Union, Amnesty, ACLU: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling

As cities go on lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic, jihadists are increasingly finding themselves out of human targets, and therefore out of jobs. The European Union released a statement about the financial distress that Covid19 is causing terrorists from ISIS to Al Qaeda and Hezbollah: “The European Union is concerned by the shutting down of entire cities, and indeed countries, causing militant Islamists a devastating loss of livelihood. Terrorism as a profession is met with severe discrimination on the...

Blaming Thunberg and AOC for Coronavirus, Iran Refuses Help from US, Sweden

Blaming Thunberg and AOC for Coronavirus, Iran Refuses Help from US, Sweden

After refusing to receive medicine to fight the coronavirus from both the US and from Sweden, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei explained to The Mideast Beast why he believes the two nations are in cahoots. “Look at the world right now”, said Khamenei, “the streets are empty everywhere. Everything is closed. No cars, no shops, no souks, no nothing. Broadway? Curtains are down. Disney World? Dead as Baghdadi. Even the streets of occupied Palestine are empty! Well, except for Tel...

Afghanistan: We Should Be Named Happiest Country

Afghanistan: We Should Be Named Happiest Country

Finland has been named happiest country in the world in the yearly World Happiness Report. The prize for the most miserable nation was taken by Afghanistan, a country so extremely democratic that it elected two presidents in its last presidential elections. The Mideast Beast first spoke to President Abdullah Abdullah about Afghanistan’s poor ranking. “I highly question the way that the report was compiled”, said Abdullah, “The authors looked at factors such as honest governments, safe environments and healthy lives....

Yemen Saves the Day: There Will Be Enough Khat for Everyone

Yemen Saves the Day: There Will Be Enough Khat for Everyone

Yemen, the poorest country in the Middle East, is expecting a sudden economic boom after the Netherlands announced that it was closing down its marijuana “coffee shops” in an attempt to contain the spread of coronavirus. Panicked Dutch people immediately queued up to buy weed, but most of them went home empty-handed as buyers showed little concerns for the needs of their fellow Dutch and hoarded the drug as if it were toilet paper. Instead, the desperate Dutch turned to...

Iranian Officials Agree: “This year we’ll take Israel’s Coronavirus Vaccine, Next Year We’ll Take Jerusalem”

Iranian Officials Agree: “This year we’ll take Israel’s Coronavirus Vaccine, Next Year We’ll Take Jerusalem”

An Iranian cleric, Grand Ayatollah Naser Makarem Shirazi, who is 93 years old, has decreed that it’s okay to use a vaccine against novel coronavirus made by Zionists if ‘there’s no substitute’. As late as Wednesday, however, the ayatollah had said, “It is not permissible to buy and sell from Zionists and Israel”. The Mideast Beast caught up with the ayatollah to hear more about his seemingly contradictory views on the topic. “The most important thing is protecting life and...

Bernie Sanders: I’m Looking Forward to My First Stalinist Purge

Bernie Sanders: I’m Looking Forward to My First Stalinist Purge

Bernie Sanders’ chances of becoming the Democratic nominee for president are shrinking fast after Super Tuesday II. The Mideast Beast caught up with the 78-year-old senator. “I just don’t get it” said Sanders. “There is nothing I didn’t do to win the nomination. I started on high dosage melanin injections and got scheduled in for sex reassignment surgery to transition into becoming a black woman, but because I have to be at election rallies all the time, I had to...

Bloomberg: How Does One Billion Chinese Compare to Losing Billions of My Dollars?

Bloomberg: How Does One Billion Chinese Compare to Losing Billions of My Dollars?

Michael Bloomberg did very poorly on Super Tuesday and the billionaire is now assessing whether to continue his campaign. There are speculations that Bloomberg’s alternative way of defining democracy might have had something to do with it. The Mideast Beast asked Bloomberg whether his recent refusal to call China’s Communist leader Xi Jinping a dictator might have backfired. “Well, I said that whether Xi Jinping is a dictator depends on how you define dictator and democracy. Personally, I don’t think...

Farrakhan Mourns “Brothers” Soleimani and Qaddafi, Ocasio-Cortez Reacts

Farrakhan Mourns “Brothers” Soleimani and Qaddafi, Ocasio-Cortez Reacts

Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam, recently gave a speech in Detroit in which he called the Iranian Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and former Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi his “brothers”. “Mr. Trump killed my brother Qassem Soleimani. Mrs. Clinton killed my other brother Muammar Qaddafi,” Farrakhan said. The Mideast Beast sat down with US Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) from the Squad for reaction. “OMG you guys, I am shook!” AOC told The Mideast Beast, “I literally had...

Joe Biden Speaks About Political Visions, Agrees That He Is “Creepy”

Joe Biden Speaks About Political Visions, Agrees That He Is “Creepy”

After Joe Biden’s win in South Carolina, The Mideast Beast sat down with Biden at his campaign headquarters for a talk about his visions for the US presidency if elected. “Well for starters”, said Biden, “I will save the remaining 150 million Americans who haven’t been killed by gun violence since 2007. We have a real crisis on our hands with more than half the population gone. Also, I would be the first president to appoint the first African-American woman...

Farrakhan Mourns “Brothers” Soleimani and Qaddafi, AOC Reacts

Farrakhan Mourns “Brothers” Soleimani and Qaddafi, AOC Reacts

Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam, recently gave a speech in Detroit in which he called the Iranian Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and former Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi his “brothers”. “Mr. Trump killed my brother Qassem Soleimani. Mrs. Clinton killed my other brother Muammar Qaddafi,” Farrakhan said. The Mideast Beast sat down with US Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) from the Squad for reaction. “OMG you guys, I am shook!” AOC told The Mideast Beast, “I literally had...

Elders of Zion: “Only 20% of Europeans Believe Jews Control the World? We Really Need to Up Our Game”

Elders of Zion: “Only 20% of Europeans Believe Jews Control the World? We Really Need to Up Our Game”

A new survey has found that only one fifth of Europeans polled in a survey of 16 European countries, among them Austria, Belgium, the Czech Republic, France, Germany, the United Kingdom and Poland, believe that a secret network of Jews – the Elders of Zion – controls global political and economic affairs. The findings of the survey caused immediate consternation among the Elders. The Mideast Beast sat down with the Jewish cabal at a secret location to talk about what...

Sanders: “It’s Unfair to Say All Genocide Is Bad”

Sanders: “It’s Unfair to Say All Genocide Is Bad”

Bernie Sanders, who recently defended Fidel Castro’s Cuba, sat down with The Mideast Beast at one of his three homes, for a conversation about things that aren’t all bad. “I always like to keep an open mind and look at the bright side of every genocidal totalitarian regime,” Bernie told The Mideast Beast, as he lovingly stroked his cat Milosevic. “I mean take Stalin for example. So he killed around 20 million people or so, and we condemn that, but...

Trump Says: No Other President Has Done More to Improve US Relations with God

Trump Says: No Other President Has Done More to Improve US Relations with God

An Iranian cleric in the Iranian city of Qom, where there has been an outbreak of the coronavirus, has accused President Donald Trump of “targeting” the city with the virus as part of the president’s earlier threat to strike at Iranian cultural sites. “The enemy wants to instill fear in people’s hearts and make Qom look like an unsafe city and to take revenge for all its defeats,” said Hojjat ol-Eslam Seyyed Mohammad Saeedi, the Friday Prayer Imam and Custodian...

Iran Offers Fresh Election Advice to Democrats Who Want to Get Rid of Bernie Sanders

Iran Offers Fresh Election Advice to Democrats Who Want to Get Rid of Bernie Sanders

Following Bernie Sanders’ victory in Nevada, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has offered – once again – his election expertise to the Democratic Party. “I know a thing or two about getting rid of unwanted candidates and so it is only natural that I should be reaching out to my good friends in the Democratic Party, who are now faced with a frontrunner that so many of them would like to dispose of,” the ayatollah told The Mideast Beast....

Iran Offers Democratic Party Election Help

Iran Offers Democratic Party Election Help

After the Iowa Democratic vote-counting debacle, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has offered his election expertise to the Democratic Party. “We would like to reciprocate the Democratic candidates’ warm feelings towards our regime by offering our expertise in running completely flawless elections. Iran can help make the Democratic Party great again,” Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “It has not escaped our notice that the Democratic Party candidates showed their righteous discontent with the Trump clown’s murder of our beloved...

After Abbas Cuts Ties With the US, Bernie Suggests Five-State Solution

After Abbas Cuts Ties With the US, Bernie Suggests Five-State Solution

Bernie Sanders has vowed to present a five-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict when he becomes president of the United States. The statement comes after Mahmoud Abbas announced that he is cutting ties with the US over Donald Trump’s Deal of the Century, which lays out a plan for a two-state solution. “We’ve informed the Israeli side…that there will be no relations at all with them and the United States, including security ties,” Abbas said. “Trump’s so-called ‘peace deal’ is...

Netanyahu Vows to Bring Back Israel’s 10 Lost Tribes, If They Promise to Vote for Him

Netanyahu Vows to Bring Back Israel’s 10 Lost Tribes, If They Promise to Vote for Him

In a bid to win the upcoming elections, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has vowed to bring back Israel’s 10 lost tribes, if they promise to vote for him. The announcement comes after Netanyahu brought back Naama Issachar, a 27-year-old dual American-Israeli citizen, who had been jailed in a Russian prison for carrying 9.5 grams of marijuana which was found in her luggage at Moscow airport. In addition to bringing back Naama, Netanyahu has also said that he will bring home...

Prince Charles Opens up About Beauty of Iran, Finding His True Calling

Prince Charles Opens up About Beauty of Iran, Finding His True Calling

Prince Charles has announced that he would like to visit Iran. The announcement came in the wake of continued civilian protests against the Iranian regime. “Yes, obviously I would like to [go to Iran],” Prince Charles told the Sunday Times, “I know that Iran – first as Persia and then as the Islamic Republic of Iran – has been such an important part of the world for many centuries and has contributed so much to human knowledge, culture, poetry, and...

In Israel for Holocaust Commemoration, Macron Holds Hands With Holocaust Denier

In Israel for Holocaust Commemoration, Macron Holds Hands With Holocaust Denier

More than 40 world leaders gathered at the Yad Vashem Holocaust memorial center in Jerusalem last week to commemorate the Holocaust and the 75th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. ”Those who died oblige us to tell the truth… All of us [are] determined to work against [Holocaust] denial…” French President Emmanuel Macron told the gathered presidents, prime ministers and monarchs. During his visit to Israel, Macron met with Mahmoud Abbas, leader of the Palestinian Authority. In 1984, Abbas published...

Following Clinton’s Comments, Sanders Announces Skin Color, Sex Change

Following Clinton’s Comments, Sanders Announces Skin Color, Sex Change

Bernie Sanders announced on Wednesday that he is having emergency sex change surgery and high dosage melanin injections to transition into becoming a black woman. The announcement came less than 24 hours after comments made by Hillary Clinton in a new documentary were widely publicized. “Nobody likes him, nobody wants to work with him, he got nothing done. He was a career politician. It’s all just baloney…” Clinton said. “On a good day, my wife likes me, so let’s clear...