Chasey Uberseks

Chasey Uberseks is Jesus Christ’s younger sister from when Mary finally lost her virginity. As a kid, she was cryogenically frozen by alien invaders and stuffed in a tree near Ground Zero, where she was defrosted on 9/11. Al-Qaeda regards her as collateral damage.

Overwhelmed by New York and desperate for some fresh air, Uberseks moved to a Berber village in Tunisia. She writes for several publications from a small cave and runs the local “Jews for Jesus” congregation. Her hobbies include knitting, baking and rap-yodeling.

 

Macy’s Moves Headquarters to Iran

Macy’s Moves Headquarters to Iran

Macy’s department store has announced that it will be moving its headquarters to the Islamic Republic of Iran next month, following controversy sparked by its decision to sell hijabs. “The Iranian government has paid us a generous grant to relocate and open up stores in every major city,” a Macy’s spokesperson said. “Originally, we’d simply intended to cater to an additional part of the American audience, but once we realized we couldn’t sell hijabs in the US without pissing off...

Messianic Jews Thank Trump for Bringing Us Closer to the ‘End of Days’

Messianic Jews Thank Trump for Bringing Us Closer to the ‘End of Days’

Still encouraged by the US withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accords, several Messianic Jews have thanked Trump for partaking in what they called “the promotion of the destruction of planet Earth, thus bringing us ever closer to the biblically prophesied ‘End of Days’.” “We firmly believe that covfefe is code for covenant, and that Donald Trump is in fact a modern-day prophet,” they stated. “It is now clear to us that using global warming to invoke an apocalypse is a...

Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars

Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars

Following the successful launch of his SpaceX rocket into orbit, Elon Musk has declared that his next ambition is to move “the whole goddamn Middle East to the planet Mars.” The billionaire entrepreneur commented: “It’s kind of silly and fun, but the entire Middle East is silly anyway, so what does it matter?” In addition to sparing the remaining earthlings the headache, war and wasted tax dollars caused by the region, Musk also has a plan to turn Mars into...

Revealed: Polish Holocaust Bill Actually Verbatim Copy of Israeli Nakba Law

Revealed: Polish Holocaust Bill Actually Verbatim Copy of Israeli Nakba Law

A bill recently passed in Poland criminalizing any mention of Polish complicity in the Holocaust is a verbatim copy of the existing Israeli Nakba Law, reporters found. Those who asked to see the text of the Polish bill found that it read: “We, the elected officials of Israel Poland, will henceforth penalize any commemoration of Israeli Independence Day Holocaust Remembrance Day as the Palestinian Jewish day of mourning, thereby rejecting any complicity we may have had in causing the Palestinian...

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

A group of white, middle-class Brooklynite liberals is trying to shut down all falafel shops in New York City, as “allowing Arab food to be sold outside of the Middle East is essentially cultural appropriation.” Inspired by a movement in Oregon, which is shaming ethnic-food establishments run by white people in the Portland area, the Brooklynites explained their more severe stance: “It’s not enough to stop white people from selling Arab food. We need to stop the chauvinist market of...

California to Create New Country: Safespaceistan

California to Create New Country: Safespaceistan

Efforts by the residents of California to secede from the US haven’t yet received sufficient support to be realized. Consequently, a revolutionary group of Californian millennials have decided to found their own country in unpopulated territory in Oman, near the Yemeni border. The country, Safespaceistan, will serve as a safe space for those Americans who feel overwhelmed by the prospect of life with Trump as president. The mastermind behind the initiative, an anonymous UC Berkeley student, said the following: “As...

Arab Leaders: Arab Spring “Much Cooler” Than Current “Persian Winter”

Arab Leaders: Arab Spring “Much Cooler” Than Current “Persian Winter”

“Our ‘Arab Spring’ was so much cooler than this weird new ‘Persian Winter’ the Iranians have come up with,” Arab leaders claimed Wednesday. “In fact, ‘Persian Winter’ is a total rip-off of the ‘Arab Spring’. This just goes to show that the Persians have been copying from us for millennia. Those asshats back in the Zoroastrian days were just mad that we invented algebra and astronomy and shit.” The statement was made at an emergency Arab League meeting in Saudi...

President Trump May Join TMB Writing Team

President Trump May Join TMB Writing Team

Estimates that Trump will have made a record 2000 false claims during his first year as POTUS have prompted the editors of The Mideast Beast to offer him a part-time position on TMB’s writing team. According to Reuters, Trump was the ultimate source of fake news this past year, and consequently should be targeting himself in his attempts to eliminate fake news sources. Analyses have shown that during 2017 Trump invented more facts about Middle Eastern affairs than the entire...

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

After a YouTube stream of April the giraffe giving birth in a New York zoo last spring reached a live audience of 1.2 million viewers, ISIS has announced that they will be replacing their infamous beheading videos with live streams of camels in labor. A spokesperson predicted that this tactical move will result in much more successful recruitment rates from the West, specifically North America. An online poll revealed that 45% of Americans expect to have a “more favorable outlook...

New IDF Unit to Specialize in Combatting 17-Year-Old Blondes

New IDF Unit to Specialize in Combatting 17-Year-Old Blondes

After a video of 17-year-old Palestinian Ahed Tamimi slapping an Israeli soldier and allegedly making the occupation look bad went viral, IDF officials have decided to take precautionary measures against an incident of this kind happening again: Israeli military officials have ordered the establishment of a new combat intelligence unit specializing in combating blonde teenage girls. “Our soldiers receive ample training in self-defense and Krav Maga,” says General Amnon Kafot, head of the new unit. “But recent events have proven...

Trump Signs Waiver to Move US Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, New York

Trump Signs Waiver to Move US Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, New York

WASHINGTON, D.C – The Trump Administration has been weighing the possibility of moving the US embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to the contested capital of West Jerusalem for some time. However, it now seems President Trump has sidestepped his advisors and signed a waiver which will functionally move the embassy from Tel Aviv to the small town of Jerusalem in Yates County, New York. Sources confirm that Trump was under the impression that West Jerusalem referred to a town...

Netanyahu Aides Advise Him to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween

Netanyahu Aides Advise Him to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween

As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this coming Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an evening would indeed be a cool costume for this Tuesday. Rumors from within the Israeli Parliament say that when...

Vegan Discovers Truth About Eid al-Adha, Starts Supporting Muslim Ban

Vegan Discovers Truth About Eid al-Adha, Starts Supporting Muslim Ban

A Californian vegan discovered the bloody truth about his supposed ‘Muslim friends’ when they invited him to join them in celebrating the Sacrifice Feast. Though they were aware of his vegan background, they mistakenly hoped their friendship and his belief in tolerance and equality would prevail over his vegan ideology. Dinner went smoothly until the second course when the vegan asked his hosts to tell him the story behind Eid Al-Adha. Once he realized ‘sacrifice feast’ referred to the literal...

Yemeni Children Get Creative in Attempt to Grab America’s Attention

Yemeni Children Get Creative in Attempt to Grab America’s Attention

A group of starving Yemeni eleven-year-olds are attempting to create a giant solar eclipse made of cardboard and flashlights, with the purported intent of getting Americans to finally start reporting news about their country. The kids started collecting materials from dumpsters and refugee camps on Monday, after realizing that the solar eclipse was prompting journalists to stop incessantly reporting on Trump for the first time in two years. “We don’t have a school science fair, because, well, we don’t have...

Inspired by Trump Speech, Saudi Arabia Condemns Sexism and Misogyny

Inspired by Trump Speech, Saudi Arabia Condemns Sexism and Misogyny

Inspired by the eloquent hypocrisy of President Trump’s statement on racism, King Salman of Saudi Arabia gave a brief speech Monday in which he condemned “all forms of sexism, misogyny, and chauvinism in our Kingdom.” “Sexism is evil”, stated the man who rules a country where women can barely leave their homes without the accompaniment of a male guardian. “We are all created equal under our creator and the law, but equal doesn’t mean the same. We must love each...

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

Football games will replace limb-severing as the Islamic State’s preferential form of capital punishment for infidels, according to a decree recently issued by the-still-alive ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.  The new practice was agreed upon following the publication of a new study which indicates 99% of professional NFL players sustain permanent degenerative brain injuries as a result of repeated blows to the head. “Like the American health care system, laissez-faire capitalism and McDonald’s, football is a method of infidel self-destruction...

Gazans Not Real Humans Anymore, Decides Everybody

Gazans Not Real Humans Anymore, Decides Everybody

A suspicious-looking study published by the Palestinian Authority and verified by Israel, the US, and Hamas has found that the residents of the Gaza Strip are not real, flesh and blood humans anymore. The seemingly-false study suggests that the residents of Gaza were all replaced by humanoid android bots sometime before the last Gaza War.  These droids can subsist on toxic drinking water alone and are impervious to drone strikes and shellfire. According to the PA, before it demanded Israel...

Revealed: Trump Made Seventh Horcrux in Saudi Arabia

Revealed: Trump Made Seventh Horcrux in Saudi Arabia

The true story behind the photo of Trump touching a mysterious crystal-ball-esque object in Saudi Arabia has finally been revealed. According to Saudi Arabian sources, Donald Trump officially created his seventh and final Horcrux by tearing apart yet another fragment of his soul and placing it in a silvery orb in Riyadh. Eyewitness accounts report that after Trump split his soul he cast a mediocre Obliviate charm on all those present, but unfortunately for him, it wore off this week....

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ends After Lebanon, Tunisia Ban “Wonder Woman”

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Ends After Lebanon, Tunisia Ban “Wonder Woman”

After more than 100 years of bloodshed, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict ended abruptly the other day after Lebanon and Tunisia banned the screening of the movie Wonder Woman, which features an Israeli actress in the iconic role. When Lebanon revealed that it had banned the film, Israeli PM Netanyahu called for all armed forces to retreat from the West Bank immediately and end the siege on Gaza. Thousands of ultra-nationalist religious settlers then decided to donate their homes to Palestinian refugees...

Middle Eastern Sun Turns Trump Three Darker Shades of Orange

Middle Eastern Sun Turns Trump Three Darker Shades of Orange

Journalists have confirmed that, as a result of his time spent in sunny Saudi Arabia, Donald Trump’s skin has now changed color to an orange a full three shades darker than the one he left the States with. President Trump, whose skin tone had previously been described as ‘Golden Flame’ with a nod to ‘Burnt Orange’, has now deepened and reddened into a solid shade of pumpkin, and is dangerously encroaching on ‘Persimmon Orange’, sources say. Israeli and Palestinian visual...