Chasey Uberseks is Jesus Christ’s younger sister from when Mary finally lost her virginity. As a kid, she was cryogenically frozen by alien invaders and stuffed in a tree near Ground Zero, where she was defrosted on 9/11. Al-Qaeda regards her as collateral damage.
Overwhelmed by New York and desperate for some fresh air, Uberseks moved to a Berber village in Tunisia. She writes for several publications from a small cave and runs the local “Jews for Jesus” congregation. Her hobbies include knitting, baking and rap-yodeling.
Following the successful launch and landing of his SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket last month, Elon Musk has declared that his next ambition is to move “the entire Middle East to the planet Mars.” The billionaire entrepreneur commented: “It’s kind of silly and fun, but the entire Middle East is silly anyway, so what does it matter?” In addition to sparing...
As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an...
A group of white, middle-class Brooklynite liberals is trying to shut down all falafel shops in New York City, as “allowing Arab food to be sold outside of the Middle East is essentially cultural appropriation.” Inspired by a movement in Oregon, which is shaming ethnic-food establishments run by white people in the Portland area, the Brooklynites explained their more severe...
As Eurovision kicks off in Tel Aviv, the event’s PR team has launched a new campaign urging audiences to purchase the remaining tickets to the music competition, touting it as the “Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv.” The campaign is a last-minute attempt to draw in foreign audiences to the event which has not yet sold out, due in part to...
Israeli Culture Minister Miri Regev ordered Wednesday a boycott of FC Barcelona fans (Barça), the soccer team for which Argentinian soccer player Lionel Messi regularly plays, following Argentina’s cancelling of its prospective soccer match against Israel in Jerusalem. The boycott will effectively bar entry into Israel of any individual who has ever expressed support of Barça. These “expressions of support”...
Acclaimed primatologist Jane Goodall will be conducting research on the developing physical relationship between US President Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron as part of a case study on monkey grooming in the coming months. “The presidents’ relationship, in which one grooms the other, removes excess skin from his body, rubs the other’s muscles, and checks for bone spurs,...
A baffled President Donald Trump has been discussing with close aides how he doesn’t understand “why people are still insisting I’m BFFs with Putin even after I bombed his other BFF.” “I tried everything, but the Fake News Media won’t listen! The minute I said the words ‘Cold War’ everybody in the world, especially poop-faced Mueller, should have stopped doubting...
The late King Cyrus of biblical Persia rose from the dead on Thursday in order to protest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s “audacious and appalling” comparison between himself and US President Donald Trump. Cyrus the Great, known to Trump as “Cyrus the Greatly,” lifted his 2,500-year-old corpse out of its resting place in Pasargadae and addressed humanity: “Hear ye, hear...
Officials from the Icelandic parliament defended the country’s new circumcision legislation this week, claiming that the bill banning the practice is not in any way anti-religious, but rather is an effort to ensure the Icelandic people have foreskins to protect them from the frigid North-Atlantic winds. Addressing the Muslims and Jews who expressed indignation at the bill, one parliament member...
Macy’s department store has announced that it will be moving its headquarters to the Islamic Republic of Iran next month, following controversy sparked by its decision to sell hijabs. “The Iranian government has paid us a generous grant to relocate and open up stores in every major city,” a Macy’s spokesperson said. “Originally, we’d simply intended to cater to an...
Still encouraged by the US withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accords, several Messianic Jews have thanked Trump for partaking in what they called “the promotion of the destruction of planet Earth, thus bringing us ever closer to the biblically prophesied ‘End of Days’.” “We firmly believe that covfefe is code for covenant, and that Donald Trump is in fact a...
A bill recently passed in Poland criminalizing any mention of Polish complicity in the Holocaust is a verbatim copy of the existing Israeli Nakba Law, reporters found. Those who asked to see the text of the Polish bill found that it read: “We, the elected officials of Israel Poland, will henceforth penalize any commemoration of Israeli Independence Day Holocaust Remembrance...
Efforts by the residents of California to secede from the US haven’t yet received sufficient support to be realized. Consequently, a revolutionary group of Californian millennials have decided to found their own country in unpopulated territory in Oman, near the Yemeni border. The country, Safespaceistan, will serve as a safe space for those Americans who feel overwhelmed by the prospect...
“Our ‘Arab Spring’ was so much cooler than this weird new ‘Persian Winter’ the Iranians have come up with,” Arab leaders claimed Wednesday. “In fact, ‘Persian Winter’ is a total rip-off of the ‘Arab Spring’. This just goes to show that the Persians have been copying from us for millennia. Those asshats back in the Zoroastrian days were just mad...
Estimates that Trump will have made a record 2000 false claims during his first year as POTUS have prompted the editors of The Mideast Beast to offer him a part-time position on TMB’s writing team. According to Reuters, Trump was the ultimate source of fake news this past year, and consequently should be targeting himself in his attempts to eliminate...
After a YouTube stream of April the giraffe giving birth in a New York zoo last spring reached a live audience of 1.2 million viewers, ISIS has announced that they will be replacing their infamous beheading videos with live streams of camels in labor. A spokesperson predicted that this tactical move will result in much more successful recruitment rates from...
After a video of 17-year-old Palestinian Ahed Tamimi slapping an Israeli soldier and allegedly making the occupation look bad went viral, IDF officials have decided to take precautionary measures against an incident of this kind happening again: Israeli military officials have ordered the establishment of a new combat intelligence unit specializing in combating blonde teenage girls. “Our soldiers receive ample...
WASHINGTON, D.C – The Trump Administration has been weighing the possibility of moving the US embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to the contested capital of West Jerusalem for some time. However, it now seems President Trump has sidestepped his advisors and signed a waiver which will functionally move the embassy from Tel Aviv to the small town of Jerusalem...
A Californian vegan discovered the bloody truth about his supposed ‘Muslim friends’ when they invited him to join them in celebrating the Sacrifice Feast. Though they were aware of his vegan background, they mistakenly hoped their friendship and his belief in tolerance and equality would prevail over his vegan ideology. Dinner went smoothly until the second course when the vegan...
A group of starving Yemeni eleven-year-olds are attempting to create a giant solar eclipse made of cardboard and flashlights, with the purported intent of getting Americans to finally start reporting news about their country. The kids started collecting materials from dumpsters and refugee camps on Monday, after realizing that the solar eclipse was prompting journalists to stop incessantly reporting on...
