Chasey Uberseks is Jesus Christ’s younger sister from when Mary finally lost her virginity. As a kid, she was cryogenically frozen by alien invaders and stuffed in a tree near Ground Zero, where she was defrosted on 9/11. Al-Qaeda regards her as collateral damage.
Overwhelmed by New York and desperate for some fresh air, Uberseks moved to a Berber village in Tunisia. She writes for several publications from a small cave and runs the local “Jews for Jesus” congregation. Her hobbies include knitting, baking and rap-yodeling.
Inspired by the eloquent hypocrisy of President Trump’s statement on racism, King Salman of Saudi Arabia gave a brief speech Monday in which he condemned “all forms of sexism, misogyny, and chauvinism in our Kingdom.” “Sexism is evil”, stated the man who rules a country where women can barely leave their homes without the accompaniment of a male guardian. “We...
Football games will replace limb-severing as the Islamic State’s preferential form of capital punishment for infidels, according to a decree recently issued by the-still-alive ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. The new practice was agreed upon following the publication of a new study which indicates 99% of professional NFL players sustain permanent degenerative brain injuries as a result of repeated blows...
A suspicious-looking study published by the Palestinian Authority and verified by Israel, the US, and Hamas has found that the residents of the Gaza Strip are not real, flesh and blood humans anymore. The seemingly-false study suggests that the residents of Gaza were all replaced by humanoid android bots sometime before the last Gaza War. These droids can subsist on...
The true story behind the photo of Trump touching a mysterious crystal-ball-esque object in Saudi Arabia has finally been revealed. According to Saudi Arabian sources, Donald Trump officially created his seventh and final Horcrux by tearing apart yet another fragment of his soul and placing it in a silvery orb in Riyadh. Eyewitness accounts report that after Trump split his...
After more than 100 years of bloodshed, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict ended abruptly the other day after Lebanon and Tunisia banned the screening of the movie Wonder Woman, which features an Israeli actress in the iconic role. When Lebanon revealed that it had banned the film, Israeli PM Netanyahu called for all armed forces to retreat from the West Bank immediately...
Journalists have confirmed that, as a result of his time spent in sunny Saudi Arabia, Donald Trump’s skin has now changed color to an orange a full three shades darker than the one he left the States with. President Trump, whose skin tone had previously been described as ‘Golden Flame’ with a nod to ‘Burnt Orange’, has now deepened and...
President Trump’s chief strategist, Stephen Bannon, has reportedly told aides to draw up plans to round up all Muslims and Jews living in the United States, just as soon as they get the border wall out of the way. Bannon, the executive chairman of the far-right news source Breitbart, has been accused multiple times of making anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim remarks....
In a last-minute appeal to liberal voters, French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen stated yesterday that if elected, she will generously allow all Christian, Jewish, and Hindu mosques in France to remain open. The statement came as a follow-up to her call for the closure of all “Islamist” mosques after last Friday’s ISIS-affiliated attack on a police bus on...
The Mideast Beast has obtained a confidential transcript containing a message from God to an anonymous recipient. The message alludes to His involvement in the ongoing de-democratization processes in Turkey, Israel, and the US. And God said, “People are always saying ‘Ooooh, God created everything’ and shit like that. Well, let me tell you something: I didn’t create democracy, the...
Following his statements regarding Hitler’s “never using chemical weapons,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has apparently retracted and amended his comments, saying that “although Hitler did use chemical weapons, he did so in closed quarters, whereas Assad used them on the battlefield.” Apparently, those who entered the gas chambers did so of their own volition and could have escaped....
After revealing that he’ll be staying on as executive producer of his reality TV show, Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump released a statement this morning disclosing a possible motive for the decision: he plans to use the game show as a political platform. Trump has invited Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to compete on the show’s upcoming...
ALEPPO — The residents of war-torn Aleppo breathed a collective sigh of relief Thursday night after learning Kanye West had been released from the hospital after eight whole days for exhaustion, according to major news channels, and TMZ. West has a rapidly shrinking fan base in Aleppo (due to the city’s rapidly dwindling population), but a fan base nevertheless. Many...
Iranian President Rouhani has offered to help the Stein campaign with its efforts to hold ballot recounts in the states of Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and Michigan, sources say. Iran is, understandably, gravely disappointed at the prospect of a Trump presidency and the possible dismantlement of the nuclear deal. “The Iranian people see eye to eye with moderate America in our disdain...
The president of Afghanistan has announced that he will be opening his country’s borders to American refugees should Trump become the President Elect on Tuesday. The Afghan representative to the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees has assessed that at least three million Americans are planning to flee immediately following a Trump win. Preparations are being made to receive them...
A man has been spotted licking an ice cream cone in liberated territory outside of Mosul. Caliphate law bans ice cream cones and popsicles so as not to encourage blow jobs and other “perverse” homosexual acts. The smiling Iraqi was captured on camera, and experts say the photo will go down in history in much the same way as The Kiss,...
