Charlie Rockson

 

Saudi Royal Family Surprised by Lack of Ties to Jeffrey Epstein

Saudi Royal Family Surprised by Lack of Ties to Jeffrey Epstein

A spokesman for Saudi Arabia has announced that King Salman is genuinely shocked by the lack of ties between the Saudi Royal family and disgraced billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. It has been reporting that the King is investigating those responsible. “He is linked to the most powerful people in the world,” said a Royal spokesman. “We read it on Wikipedia. There’s no way we’re missing out on that list. We will do whatever is necessary to form a relationship with Mr....

Syria Renames Town ‘Khamenei Heights’ Just out of Spite

Syria Renames Town ‘Khamenei Heights’ Just out of Spite

A spokesman for the Syrian government has announced that they will be renaming the town of Ruweihina in the Syrian Golan Heights ‘Khamenei Heights’. The decision comes after Israel named a new settlement in the area ‘Trump Heights’ to show gratitude to what the President of the United States has done for Israel such as pulling out of the Iran deal, moving its Embassy away from all the sexy beach people, and possibly destabilizing the region for years. Syria decided...

Al Qaeda Severs Ties with Boeing

Al Qaeda Severs Ties with Boeing

Following a series of incidents involving Boeing 737 Max 8 airliners, Al Qaeda announced they will no longer be using American made aircraft in their terrorist attacks. “It kind of sucks,” said a spokesman of the organization. “We were just going to start up the hijacking thing again. With ISIS taking the spotlight on the ground, we really didn’t need Boeing stealing our thunder in the sky. Pun unintended. Word play is for infidels.” The grounded terrorists said that they...

Jared Kushner Suggests 6+1 State Solution After Finally Watching Game of Thrones

Jared Kushner Suggests 6+1 State Solution After Finally Watching Game of Thrones

Scrambling to meet the deadline set by the White House, Jared Kushner has laid out a new 6+1 plan solution for Israel/Palestine inspired  by marathoning the final season of Game of Thrones. The plan, explained Kushner, includes unifying all six kingdoms of ancient Israel as one state while giving independence to the ‘North’. It is unclear what Kushner means by the six kingdoms, but he presumably decided to call the Golan Heights ‘The North’. Kushner was initially chosen to find...

Eric Trump Detained by ICE

Eric Trump Detained by ICE

It has emerged that the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement has detained Eric Trump, alleged son of the President, at the US-Mexican border. Witnesses on the border recall seeing an ugly and ashamed collection of hair gel, which is believed to be Eric. “He wasn’t even trying to cross,” claimed and eyewitness. “He was just on the American side and his family kinda of just handed him over to the agents. It reminded me of when you see people abandoning...

Saudi Arabia to Launch Own Social Network

Saudi Arabia to Launch Own Social Network

As part of the new Crown Prince initiative to democratize Saudi Arabia, the government has announced that they are launching a new social network called YallaBook. The initiative is set to replace Facebook, recently banned in the kingdom, “due to the corporation’s authoritarian structure,” according to Saudi officials. The Crown Prince has spent the last week promoting the new network. “This is an important step to ensure this country upholds the democratic values upon which it was founded,” he commented....

Al Qaeda Jihadis Undergo “Racial Bias Training”

Al Qaeda Jihadis Undergo “Racial Bias Training”

Following accusations of racially biased terrorist operations, Al Qaeda closed all branches yesterday afternoon for jihadis to undergo ‘racial bias training’. The move was described by a senior member of the organization as “necessary to adapt to a globalized world.” “We believe that those who aren’t Muslims or Muslims who aren’t Sunnis or Sunni Muslims who refuse to pledge allegiance to our organization or Sunni Muslims who did pledge allegiance to our organization but later expressed an opinion to be...

Turkey Declares Itself World Capital of Free Speech

Turkey Declares Itself World Capital of Free Speech

In a compulsory poll conducted by the Turkish government, the country came out on top of all other nations as the world capital of free speech. The results initially came as a shock to international bystanders considering Turkey’s growing propensity to imprison journalists and political opponents of President Recep Erdoğan. “We are pleased to announce”, Erdoğan stated upon publicly reading the poll’s results, “that Turkey has officially declared itself the freest speech country on earth, with 99.98% of respondents saying...

New Poll: 81% of Syrians Thought Coalition Strikes “Just Regular Civil War Shit”

New Poll: 81% of Syrians Thought Coalition Strikes “Just Regular Civil War Shit”

In the wake of US, UK, and French airstrikes on Syria, a new poll by the University of Damascus indicated that 63% of the population thought the bombing was “nothing out of the ordinary”. “I woke up to the regular sound of civil war,” said an eyewitness. “I wish I had known about the airstrike. I could have skipped work.” The data was described by an expert as unremarkable. “Wait, the airstrikes were done by whom?” said a researcher at...