A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be slicing off everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to furthering the spread of coronavirus Delta...
A new report from heaven indicates that the inter-religious council of Gods will be announcing today a decrease in virgins per Muslim from 72 to 4. The move was adopted out of fears that large gatherings will lead to another wave of Covid-19. The move comes after the council rejected plans by the Abrahamic Gods to save the population by...
In an unprecedented historical decision, US President Joe Biden issued a ‘Postmortem Pardon’ for al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. This comes a week after an Atlanta police officer excused the attacks on Asian businesses by saying the suspect “was having a bad day“. “Listen here jack,” said Biden responding to a female reporter’s question. “The people of Georgia delivered...
Former US President Donald J. Trump issued a statement this week taking credit for freeing Ever Given, the cargo ship that had been wedged across the Suez Canal last week. “I hope everyone remembers while benefiting from global trade that if I wasn’t President, they would not be participating in such a beautiful shipping process, at least for 500 years,”...
In a new move to enforce the new nationwide mask mandate, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad announced a new plan to use chemical weapons as a “scare tactic”. The plan comes after the spread of the novel coronavirus across the country threatened Assad’s nine-year run as the nation’s leading cause of death. “It is a very easily enforceable solution,” said a...
Inspired by President Donald Trump the so-called Islamic State of Iraq and Syria has declared victory in the still ongoing Syrian Civil War. The declaration came after Trump announced his election victory before all of the votes have been counted. “We have won,” proclaimed the Caliph. “We are winning big in Aleppo; we are going to win the battles with...
President Donald Trump announced today that he will be putting Syrian President Bashar al-Assad in charge of counting votes in Pennsylvania. The move comes after Trump accused Democrats of cheating in the election through mail-in ballots. “It’s clear what’s going on,” said President Trump. “The Democrats are trying to rig this election by counting Biden’s votes. That is why we...
After months of unrest and riots across American cities led to journalists being arrested and threatened, CNN announced they may be moving their headquarters to the Middle East “We are trying to move somewhere with more freedom of press,” said a spokesperson of the news network. “So far the candidates are Riyadh, Kabul, and Tehran. However, due to unexpected cuts,...
In an unorthodox, yet predictable move, the Italian government announced that the country will now be fighting with the Coronavirus as opposed to fighting against it. While the move goes against WHO regulations it was not perceived as outrageous given the country’s history of changing sides whenever they are losing in battle. “We tried everything,” said an Italian health official....
In response to criticism by Jewish-Canadian actor Seth Rogen, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that anti-marijuana laws will be enforced more strictly with harsher prison sentences. New prison sentences for marijuana possession will vary from a minimum of one month to a maximum of however long ‘Green Hornet’ feels like. The move was described by experts as the “biggest...
US President Donald Trump has requested that the Iranian government dumps their enriched uranium stockpile on Portland. The move comes after weeks of unrest led to federal law enforcement agents storming the Pacific Northwest city. “I found a solution. A great solution. The best solution,” said Trump in a 6,000-person rally which included 5,950 people above state restrictions. “Iran has...
In an unusual move, the Palestinian organization Hamas – currently designated as a terrorist organization by the US Administration – decided to change their official name to the Gaza Redskins in order to appeal more to the American Conservative/Republican audience. The move came after the Washington Redskins decided to drop their name after mounting political pressure. “We want to let...
After weeks of unrest across US cities led to the destruction of property, Barack Obama spoke out addressing the protestors. While agreeing with the purpose behind the protests, Obama condemned the destruction of property in major cities as un-American and urged rioters to shift their energy to a more patriotic line of destruction. “Much like every American, I believe in...
Newly released cell phone footage recorded in Damascus shows Syrian President Bashar al-Assad calling 911 on Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. Assad called the US emergency service requesting that the New York City Police Department (NYPD) arrest Erdogan. In the footage, Assad is shown threatening Erdogan that he will call NYPD and tell them that an African American head of...
A recent report from Washington D.C. indicated that US President Donald Trump spends at least 60% of his working day attempting to spell the name of the drug Hydroxychloroquine for his tweets. The report was written by Eric Trump who has been watching Trump as part of his new White House role. The role also includes duties such as: not...
US Senator Bernie Sanders proposed a new plan to restart the US economy by September 2032. It is currently in the meltdown phase, suffering from a massive recession as a result of the COVID-19 lockdown. “Look, everyone needs a break,” shouted Sanders in a statement. “Give it 11 or 12 years. We’ll know that the pandemic is over, everyone will...
Earlier today, human doll and senior advisor to father-in-law President Trump, Jared Kushner announced a new plan to divide Israel and Palestine into 574 city-states to ensure social distancing during this novel coronavirus pandemic. Kushner, a well-respected thinker on Israeli-Palestinian affairs, having read 25 whole books on the protracted conflict, is also the current pandemic tsar. “The science on the...
To combat Cordvid-19, Israel has announced a plan to place all of the Gaza Strip under quarantine. The plan came into effect after Israel suspected that two Palestinians had moved across the border in the past five years. Israel said it will seal off the borders of Gaza indefinitely while it tries to contain the crisis. “The idea is restrict...
A spokesman for Saudi Arabia has announced that King Salman is genuinely shocked by the lack of ties between the Saudi Royal family and disgraced billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. It has been reporting that the King is investigating those responsible. “He is linked to the most powerful people in the world,” said a Royal spokesman. “We read it on Wikipedia. There’s...
A spokesman for the Syrian government has announced that they will be renaming the town of Ruweihina in the Syrian Golan Heights ‘Khamenei Heights’. The decision comes after Israel named a new settlement in the area ‘Trump Heights’ to show gratitude to what the President of the United States has done for Israel such as pulling out of the Iran...
