Charlie Rockson

 

CNN to Move Headquarters Somewhere Freer, Like Saudi Arabia
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CNN to Move Headquarters Somewhere Freer, Like Saudi Arabia

After weeks of unrest and riots across American cities led to journalists being arrested and threatened, CNN announced they may be moving their headquarters to the Middle East “We are trying to move somewhere with more freedom of press,” said a spokesperson of the news network. “So far the candidates are Riyadh, Kabul, and Tehran. However, due to unexpected cuts,...

Assad Calls NYPD on Erdogan, Tells Them “He’s African American”

Assad Calls NYPD on Erdogan, Tells Them “He’s African American”

Newly released cell phone footage recorded in Damascus shows Syrian President Bashar al-Assad calling 911 on Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. Assad called the US emergency service requesting that the New York City Police Department (NYPD) arrest Erdogan. In the footage, Assad is shown threatening Erdogan that he will call NYPD and tell them that an African American head of...

Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032
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Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032

US Senator Bernie Sanders proposed a new plan to restart the US economy by September 2032. It is currently in the meltdown phase, suffering from a massive recession as a result of the COVID-19 lockdown. “Look, everyone needs a break,” shouted Sanders in a statement. “Give it 11 or 12 years. We’ll know that the pandemic is over, everyone will...

Jared Kushner Suggests 574 State Solution to Combat Coronavirus in Israel and Palestine
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Jared Kushner Suggests 574 State Solution to Combat Coronavirus in Israel and Palestine

Earlier today, human doll and senior advisor to father-in-law President Trump, Jared Kushner announced a new plan to divide Israel and Palestine into 574 city-states to ensure social distancing during this novel coronavirus pandemic. Kushner, a well-respected thinker on Israeli-Palestinian affairs, having read 25 whole books on the protracted conflict, is also the current pandemic tsar. “The science on the...

Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be cutting everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to the spread of the novel coronavirus. The...

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus
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Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus

In an unorthodox, yet predictable move, the Italian government announced that the country will now be fighting with the Coronavirus as opposed to fighting against it. While the move goes against WHO regulations it was not perceived as outrageous given the country’s history of changing sides whenever they are losing in battle. “We tried everything,” said an Italian health official....

Israel Places Entirety of Gaza Strip Under Quarantine
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Israel Places Entirety of Gaza Strip Under Quarantine

To combat Cordvid-19, Israel has announced a plan to place all of the Gaza Strip under quarantine. The plan came into effect after Israel suspected that two Palestinians had moved across the border in the past five years. Israel said it will seal off the borders of Gaza indefinitely while it tries to contain the crisis. “The idea is restrict...

Saudi Royal Family Surprised by Lack of Ties to Jeffrey Epstein

Saudi Royal Family Surprised by Lack of Ties to Jeffrey Epstein

A spokesman for Saudi Arabia has announced that King Salman is genuinely shocked by the lack of ties between the Saudi Royal family and disgraced billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. It has been reporting that the King is investigating those responsible. “He is linked to the most powerful people in the world,” said a Royal spokesman. “We read it on Wikipedia. There’s...

Syria Renames Town ‘Khamenei Heights’ Just out of Spite

Syria Renames Town ‘Khamenei Heights’ Just out of Spite

A spokesman for the Syrian government has announced that they will be renaming the town of Ruweihina in the Syrian Golan Heights ‘Khamenei Heights’. The decision comes after Israel named a new settlement in the area ‘Trump Heights’ to show gratitude to what the President of the United States has done for Israel such as pulling out of the Iran...

Al Qaeda Severs Ties with Boeing
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Al Qaeda Severs Ties with Boeing

Following a series of incidents involving Boeing 737 Max 8 airliners, Al Qaeda announced they will no longer be using American made aircraft in their terrorist attacks. “It kind of sucks,” said a spokesman of the organization. “We were just going to start up the hijacking thing again. With ISIS taking the spotlight on the ground, we really didn’t need...

Jared Kushner Suggests 6+1 State Solution After Finally Watching Game of Thrones

Jared Kushner Suggests 6+1 State Solution After Finally Watching Game of Thrones

Scrambling to meet the deadline set by the White House, Jared Kushner has laid out a new 6+1 plan solution for Israel/Palestine inspired  by marathoning the final season of Game of Thrones. The plan, explained Kushner, includes unifying all six kingdoms of ancient Israel as one state while giving independence to the ‘North’. It is unclear what Kushner means by...

Eric Trump Detained by ICE
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Eric Trump Detained by ICE

It has emerged that the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement has detained Eric Trump, alleged son of the President, at the US-Mexican border. Witnesses on the border recall seeing an ugly and ashamed collection of hair gel, which is believed to be Eric. “He wasn’t even trying to cross,” claimed and eyewitness. “He was just on the American side and...

Saudi Arabia to Launch Own Social Network
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Saudi Arabia to Launch Own Social Network

As part of the new Crown Prince initiative to democratize Saudi Arabia, the government has announced that they are launching a new social network called YallaBook. The initiative is set to replace Facebook, recently banned in the kingdom, “due to the corporation’s authoritarian structure,” according to Saudi officials. The Crown Prince has spent the last week promoting the new network....

Al Qaeda Jihadis Undergo “Racial Bias Training”
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Al Qaeda Jihadis Undergo “Racial Bias Training”

Following accusations of racially biased terrorist operations, Al Qaeda closed all branches yesterday afternoon for jihadis to undergo ‘racial bias training’. The move was described by a senior member of the organization as “necessary to adapt to a globalized world.” “We believe that those who aren’t Muslims or Muslims who aren’t Sunnis or Sunni Muslims who refuse to pledge allegiance...

Turkey Declares Itself World Capital of Free Speech

Turkey Declares Itself World Capital of Free Speech

In a compulsory poll conducted by the Turkish government, the country came out on top of all other nations as the world capital of free speech. The results initially came as a shock to international bystanders considering Turkey’s growing propensity to imprison journalists and political opponents of President Recep Erdoğan. “We are pleased to announce”, Erdoğan stated upon publicly reading...