Charlie Rockson

 

ISIS Declares Premature Victory in Syrian Civil War

ISIS Declares Premature Victory in Syrian Civil War

Inspired by President Donald Trump the so-called Islamic State of Iraq and Syria has declared victory in the still ongoing Syrian Civil War. The declaration came after Trump announced his election victory before all of the votes have been counted. “We have won,” proclaimed the Caliph. “We are winning big in Aleppo; we are going to win the battles with...

Trump Puts Assad in Charge of Pennsylvania Vote Count in Last Ditch Effort

Trump Puts Assad in Charge of Pennsylvania Vote Count in Last Ditch Effort

President Donald Trump announced today that he will be putting Syrian President Bashar al-Assad in charge of counting votes in Pennsylvania. The move comes after Trump accused Democrats of cheating in the election through mail-in ballots. “It’s clear what’s going on,” said President Trump. “The Democrats are trying to rig this election by counting Biden’s votes. That is why we...

Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons
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Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons

In a new move to enforce the new nationwide mask mandate, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad announced a new plan to use chemical weapons as a scare tactic. The plan comes after the spread of the novel coronavirus across the country threatened Assad’s nine-year run as the nation’s leading cause of death. “It is a very easily enforceable solution,” said a...

Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be slicing off everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to furthering the spread of coronavirus. The...

CNN to Move Headquarters Somewhere Freer, Like Saudi Arabia
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CNN to Move Headquarters Somewhere Freer, Like Saudi Arabia

After months of unrest and riots across American cities led to journalists being arrested and threatened, CNN announced they may be moving their headquarters to the Middle East “We are trying to move somewhere with more freedom of press,” said a spokesperson of the news network. “So far the candidates are Riyadh, Kabul, and Tehran. However, due to unexpected cuts,...

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus
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Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus

In an unorthodox, yet predictable move, the Italian government announced that the country will now be fighting with the Coronavirus as opposed to fighting against it. While the move goes against WHO regulations it was not perceived as outrageous given the country’s history of changing sides whenever they are losing in battle. “We tried everything,” said an Italian health official....

Israel Cracks Down on Marijuana to Get Back at Seth Rogen
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Israel Cracks Down on Marijuana to Get Back at Seth Rogen

In response to criticism by Jewish-Canadian actor Seth Rogen, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that anti-marijuana laws will be enforced more strictly with harsher prison sentences. New prison sentences for marijuana possession will vary from a minimum of one month to a maximum of however long ‘Green Hornet’ feels like. The move was described by experts as the “biggest...

Trump Asks Iran to Dispose of Its Nuclear Stockpile by Dumping It on Portland
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Trump Asks Iran to Dispose of Its Nuclear Stockpile by Dumping It on Portland

US President Donald Trump has requested that the Iranian government dumps their enriched uranium stockpile on Portland. The move comes after weeks of unrest led to federal law enforcement agents storming the Pacific Northwest city. “I found a solution. A great solution. The best solution,” said Trump in a 6,000-person rally which included 5,950 people above state restrictions. “Iran has...

Hamas Changes Name to Gaza Redskins to Appeal to Republicans
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Hamas Changes Name to Gaza Redskins to Appeal to Republicans

In an unusual move, the Palestinian organization Hamas – currently designated as a terrorist organization by the US Administration – decided to change their official name to the Gaza Redskins in order to appeal more to the American Conservative/Republican audience. The move came after the Washington Redskins decided to drop their name after mounting political pressure. “We want to let...

Assad Calls NYPD on Erdogan, Tells Them “He’s African American”

Assad Calls NYPD on Erdogan, Tells Them “He’s African American”

Newly released cell phone footage recorded in Damascus shows Syrian President Bashar al-Assad calling 911 on Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. Assad called the US emergency service requesting that the New York City Police Department (NYPD) arrest Erdogan. In the footage, Assad is shown threatening Erdogan that he will call NYPD and tell them that an African American head of...

Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032
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Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032

US Senator Bernie Sanders proposed a new plan to restart the US economy by September 2032. It is currently in the meltdown phase, suffering from a massive recession as a result of the COVID-19 lockdown. “Look, everyone needs a break,” shouted Sanders in a statement. “Give it 11 or 12 years. We’ll know that the pandemic is over, everyone will...

Jared Kushner Suggests 574 State Solution to Combat Coronavirus in Israel and Palestine
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Jared Kushner Suggests 574 State Solution to Combat Coronavirus in Israel and Palestine

Earlier today, human doll and senior advisor to father-in-law President Trump, Jared Kushner announced a new plan to divide Israel and Palestine into 574 city-states to ensure social distancing during this novel coronavirus pandemic. Kushner, a well-respected thinker on Israeli-Palestinian affairs, having read 25 whole books on the protracted conflict, is also the current pandemic tsar. “The science on the...

Israel Places Entirety of Gaza Strip Under Quarantine
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Israel Places Entirety of Gaza Strip Under Quarantine

To combat Cordvid-19, Israel has announced a plan to place all of the Gaza Strip under quarantine. The plan came into effect after Israel suspected that two Palestinians had moved across the border in the past five years. Israel said it will seal off the borders of Gaza indefinitely while it tries to contain the crisis. “The idea is restrict...

Saudi Royal Family Surprised by Lack of Ties to Jeffrey Epstein

Saudi Royal Family Surprised by Lack of Ties to Jeffrey Epstein

A spokesman for Saudi Arabia has announced that King Salman is genuinely shocked by the lack of ties between the Saudi Royal family and disgraced billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. It has been reporting that the King is investigating those responsible. “He is linked to the most powerful people in the world,” said a Royal spokesman. “We read it on Wikipedia. There’s...

Syria Renames Town ‘Khamenei Heights’ Just out of Spite

Syria Renames Town ‘Khamenei Heights’ Just out of Spite

A spokesman for the Syrian government has announced that they will be renaming the town of Ruweihina in the Syrian Golan Heights ‘Khamenei Heights’. The decision comes after Israel named a new settlement in the area ‘Trump Heights’ to show gratitude to what the President of the United States has done for Israel such as pulling out of the Iran...

Al Qaeda Severs Ties with Boeing
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Al Qaeda Severs Ties with Boeing

Following a series of incidents involving Boeing 737 Max 8 airliners, Al Qaeda announced they will no longer be using American made aircraft in their terrorist attacks. “It kind of sucks,” said a spokesman of the organization. “We were just going to start up the hijacking thing again. With ISIS taking the spotlight on the ground, we really didn’t need...

Jared Kushner Suggests 6+1 State Solution After Finally Watching Game of Thrones

Jared Kushner Suggests 6+1 State Solution After Finally Watching Game of Thrones

Scrambling to meet the deadline set by the White House, Jared Kushner has laid out a new 6+1 plan solution for Israel/Palestine inspired  by marathoning the final season of Game of Thrones. The plan, explained Kushner, includes unifying all six kingdoms of ancient Israel as one state while giving independence to the ‘North’. It is unclear what Kushner means by...