Kid Justin

 

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus of Nazareth has confirmed what many Christians have feared for centuries: Passover is a way cooler holiday than Easter. “I just like how Passover is all organized with a manual for dummies and all,” said the former failed carpenter-turned-shepherd of salvation. “Easter is just very haphazard, even I can’t keep track of half the things you’re supposed to be doing. Also, why is there a rabbit? Seriously, who made that shit...

Trump: Israeli Security Wall Does Good Job Keeping Mexicans Out

Trump: Israeli Security Wall Does Good Job Keeping Mexicans Out

Speaking to reporters at a press conference, President Trump laid out his views on the Middle East. “I’m reluctant to give credit to other people’s construction projects,” admitted 45, “but I was very impressed with the separation wall Israel built in and around the West Bank. Throughout my trip in Israel I saw maybe 10-12 Mexicans, tops. Obviously the wall is doing a great job keeping them out, and if Israel hadn’t built the fence it would certainly by now be overrun by...

Germany Staffs Refugees in Undesirable Jobs like Border Police

Germany Staffs Refugees in Undesirable Jobs like Border Police

A torrent of refugees is threatening to deluge Europe like a flood of overused metaphors in a news article, and European countries are struggling for ideas to cope with the surge. Some countries, led by the innovative Germans, are coming up with creative solutions. “We had planned to close our borders with Austria,” said interior minister Thomas de Maiziere, “but we discovered that German people don’t want the unpleasant duty of guarding a train track and beating back refugees with...

UN Establishes an Agency for Refugees of the Conquest of Canaan

UN Establishes an Agency for Refugees of the Conquest of Canaan

Following the recommendation of the UN Commission on Human Rights, the General Assembly of the UN has voted to establish and fund another worthless agency – UNARCO – the United Nations Agency for Refugees of Canaanite Oppression. The agency will provide welfare, education and political support to members of the Kenite, Kenizzite, Kadmonite, Hittite, Perizzite, Rephaim, Amorite, Edomite, Girgashite, and Jebusite tribes who were victims of Zionist oppression during the conquest of Cannan by Joshua thousands of years ago. “We...

The Concerned Reader’s Guide to Middle East Reporting Clichés

The Concerned Reader’s Guide to Middle East Reporting Clichés

Does Middle East reporting leave you dumbfounded, baffled and befuddled? Us too! It certainly doesn’t help that most articles are as overrun with clichés such as, Syria is with “moderate rebels”. As a service to our long-suffering readers, The Mideast Beast presents the guide that takes a buzzsaw to the buzzwords. All options are on table – The following options are on the table: giving fiery speeches, expressing disappointment, letting Putin handle it, ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away....

Hamas Replacing Human Shields with Much Cuter Puppy Shields

Hamas Replacing Human Shields with Much Cuter Puppy Shields

Under cover of a moonless night in early April of last year, in the Gulf of Aden, Israeli commando units seized the Gaza-bound cargo ship Al-Aarnab. Beneath the usual humanitarian cargo (Viagra pills, e-cigarettes, Bud Light) the troops uncovered the even more usual rockets and weaponry. But in a hidden container deep inside the ship, they uncovered a secret payload: hundreds of the cutest puppies and fluffiest bunnies developed in secret military facilities in Iran. An Israeli intelligence analyst explained...

Israel Condemns Egyptian and Turkish Plot to Flood It with Russians

Israel Condemns Egyptian and Turkish Plot to Flood It with Russians

As the weather in Israel grows cold and stormy, Israelis are battening down the hatches to weather the harshest winter tempest of all: Russian tourists. While Russian tourists used to spread around the entire Mediterranean basin, Egypt and Turkey took preemptive action to discourage Russian flights while countries such as Greece plan to “admit as many Syrian refugees as we must to make it awkward for Russians”. Israel called the coordinated action by the other countries “a total dick move”...

Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write

Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write

The Mideast Beast is your trusted source for front-line reporting on the Middle East, a publication of unimpeachable journalistic integrity that holds itself to the highest standards of meticulous coverage and astute analysis. In fact, unlike other, slower news outlets, we don’t even have to wait for the news to happen to deliver a comprehensive report of them to our readers. This is made possible through TMB’s unrivaled network of intrepid on-location reporters who would sleep with anyone, as many times as...

American Moviegoers Unsure if New Mad Max Movie is about the Middle East

American Moviegoers Unsure if New Mad Max Movie is about the Middle East

A barren desert of sand dunes and dust storms, bands of desperate survivors fight to the death over a few last drops of water and gasoline, the roar of engines and the clangor of explosions. This is the setting of Warner Bros’ action blockbuster Mad Max: Fury Road, and also pretty much what Americans see on the news every day. Understandably, the juxtaposition left a few moviegoers confused. The Mideast Beast’s correspondent Kid Justin caught up with a few viewers...

Russian Troops in Syria Just Enjoying a Warm Weather Vacation after Ukraine

Russian Troops in Syria Just Enjoying a Warm Weather Vacation after Ukraine

After months of confining its Middle East strategy to trolling Obama on Twitter, the Russian Armed Forces have fully engaged in Syria in October with a bombing campaign and a deployment of ground troops. The shift in Russian tactics has left Western analysts flabbergasted, prompting NATO to request The Mideast Beast to investigate the issue. “It’s October now so it’s getting pretty cold in Eastern Ukraine, not that any Russian soldiers have been in Ukraine recently of course”, clarified Colonel Sergey...

Kerry Urges Israelis to be Less ‘Stabbable’ in Light of Recent Attacks

Kerry Urges Israelis to be Less ‘Stabbable’ in Light of Recent Attacks

A recent wave of terror attacks, many involving knives , has brought tension in Israel to a boiling point and caught the attention of US Secretary of State and 2018 Nobel Peace Prize winner John Kerry. Kerry, who is on a global tour promoting his book “How I Lost Syria to Putin in a Game of Poker”, issued a statement in a press conference: “I strongly condemn both sides in this conflict. I guess if you count Palestinians and Israeli...

ISIS Narrowly Avoids Catastrophe of Kidnapping a Russian

ISIS Narrowly Avoids Catastrophe of Kidnapping a Russian

Jihad-waging video-blogging organization ISIS had a brush with disaster Tuesday morning as it came close to releasing a hostage video of a Russian citizen. The upload was halted at the last second by Kamal al-Virali, ISIS’ VP of social media, thus saving the entirety of Northern Iraq from being carpet-bombed by Putin. The incident began Monday morning when Andrey Nedodumov, 46, arrived at Moscow’s Vnukovo airport in an intoxicated state and, citing cold weather and lack of desire to report...

ISIS Scraps Plan to Invade Jordan Over Problematic Brand Name Change

ISIS Scraps Plan to Invade Jordan Over Problematic Brand Name Change

The CIA has published an intercepted communication amongst top-ranking ISIS officers hinting at a possible plan by the group to invade Jordan. The invasion plan was outlined in an email to ISIS leadership by colonels Al-Mansouri and Al-Shatnawi. The colonels cited Jordan’s Sunni majority, it’s strategic location and weak military force as reasons supporting an invasion. However, the plan was shot down by the group’s commanders in an email, extracts of which are provided below: RELATED: ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We...

Israel: We Never Had a Nuclear Program But It Was Too Awkward To Admit It

Israel: We Never Had a Nuclear Program But It Was Too Awkward To Admit It

Dimona, southern Israel — In a shocking news conference broadcast around the globe, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu admitted that his country has been bluffing over the last 60 years about having a nuclear program. “You know how you tell a girl some impressive bullshit on a first date and then suddenly it’s too late to admit you lied? That’s pretty much how this went down,” said a sheepish Netanyahu. “Just ask my wife, she still thinks I was in...

Iranian Leader’s New Book Outlines Strategies to Mortally Annoy Israelis

Iranian Leader’s New Book Outlines Strategies to Mortally Annoy Israelis

Fans of literature around the world rejoiced last month as famous postmodernist author and renowned peace activist Ayatollah Ali Khamenei published his new 416-page opus, “Palestine”. The book outlines Khamenei’s strategy of using attrition warfare to make life unbearable for Israeli Jews, prompting them to emigrate. The book details Iran’s current tactics of supporting and arming Hezbollah and Hamas with rockets and weaponry, but also mentions several novel stratagems that faithful Muslims are encouraged to attempt: Increase the intensity of...

After Tearing Down Confederate Banner Activists Turn to Israeli Flag

After Tearing Down Confederate Banner Activists Turn to Israeli Flag

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Liberal advocacy groups (and conservative groups smart enough to pick their fights) scored a major victory last week as the South Carolina state legislature voted to remove the Confederate Battle Flag from the State Capitol. After toasting their achievement with venti frappuccinos, the groups turned their attention to their next goal: removing the Israeli flag from the Israeli embassy.  The movement to ban the Israeli star-and-stripes from official Israeli buildings is being led by DAFT, the Democrats...

ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup

ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup

In a surprise announcement that caught the soccer world mostly not caring very much, FIFA unresigned kingpin Sepp Blatter announced that the 2019 Women’s Soccer World Cup is to take place in Northern Iraq and Syria. A smiling Blatter addressed the crowd of two journalists sitting next to ISIS emir Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “Abu is a bloodthirsty, genocidal, corrupt maniac,” beamed Blatter, “so of course we became best friends. I originally offered ISIS the 2026 Men’s World Cup, but they...

Israel Volunteers to Mediate Germany-Greece Negotiations

Israel Volunteers to Mediate Germany-Greece Negotiations

As German and Greek politicians were in a last ditch effort to grevent the Greeks for grexiting the European greekommunitiny, the mood in both capitals was resentful and antagonistic. However, there’s cause for cautious optimism as Israel, a veteran of mediated negotiations, has volunteered to step in. “We are very thankful for the long history of European moderation in our negotiations with the Palestinians,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “We truly believe that those negotiations work as evidenced by our long and lasting...

Hamas Apologizes for Tunneling to Mexican Drug Lord’s Prison Cell

Hamas Apologizes for Tunneling to Mexican Drug Lord’s Prison Cell

MEXICO CITY, Mexico – Mexican authorities at the Altiplano maximum security prison were embarrassed on Sunday when their most notorious inmate, drug kingpin Joaqin “El Chapo” Guzman, escaped his cell through a tunnel dug beneath it. The prison guards were bewildered when from the tunnel emerged Khafir Babori, recently of Gaza City, and said: “Wait, this can’t be Tel Aviv, I don’t see a single gay person! Fucking Google Maps!” Khafir told the investigators that he was originally planning to...

Mars-Bound Young Israelis Leave Their Earthly Troubles Behind

Mars-Bound Young Israelis Leave Their Earthly Troubles Behind

Would you be happy departing our blue-green home planet for the cold, inhospitable wastelands of Mars? Would you leave everything behind with no prospects of ever returning home? For most of us this doesn’t sound like an appetizing proposition, but many young Israelis are preparing to do just that and are packing their bags for the red planet. The Israeli Daily’s correspondent on the affairs of millennials and other extra-terrestrials investigated why. “It was mostly a financial decision for us,” said...