Fans of literature around the world rejoiced last month as famous postmodernist author and renowned peace activist Ayatollah Ali Khamenei published his new 416-page opus, “Palestine”. The book outlines Khamenei’s strategy of using attrition warfare to make life unbearable for Israeli Jews, prompting them to emigrate. The book details Iran’s current tactics of supporting and arming Hezbollah and Hamas with rockets and weaponry, but also mentions several novel stratagems that faithful Muslims are encouraged to attempt:
- Increase the intensity of the Wikipedia ‘edit wars’ on articles related to Palestine.
- Revolutionary Guard commandos are to infiltrate Japanese car factories to disable the turn signal and increase the horn volume on automobiles bound for Israel.
- European Jews cannot deal well with the harsh Middle Eastern climate, so Islamic fighters are encouraged to sneak up close to Israel’s borders and point hair-dryers at it to exacerbate the heat.
- While Iranian cyber-warfare units can’t yet crack IDF military systems, they plan to unleash a computer virus that will copy the user’s ex-girlfriend in on any outgoing email.
- All bubble gum chewed by faithful Muslims is to be collected and catapulted into Israel to stick to the sidewalks in Israeli cities.
- Convince Donald Trump to move to Tel Aviv.
- Trawl Facebook and “like” every anti-Israeli comment. ‘Favorite’ any tweets spelling the country named “Isreal”.
The book promises its readers swift victory as the Jews return to their historic homeland of Eastern Poland, paving the way for the establishment of an Islamic utopia in Palestine. As soon as the bubble gum is cleaned, of course.
