Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
American intelligence officials were dismayed to learn that a group of men believed to be moderate Syrian rebels were in fact just ISIS members in Halloween costumes. Hopes were raised when a CIA source spotted a group of military-age males walking into a Damascus-area Starbucks in Western clothing. None of the men were wearing ski masks or carrying scimitars or severed...
Demanding greater transparency from the terror group, rank-and-file ISIS members want to know what ISIS fighters were doing in Niger during a confrontation that killed four US soldiers. “I, like most servants of the Caliphate, was shocked to learn that we were engaged in combat in the country,” one mid-level ISIS official told The Mideast Beast. “Is it not enough...
Urging his fighters to stand their ground to the last man, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said that he will be forced to sit out the apocalyptic battle for the salvation of the caliphate due to severe bone spurs. “I wish that I could be on the front lines with my fellow mujahedeen, fearlessly embracing martyrdom,” al-Baghdadi said in a...
Defending his silence regarding the killings of four Green Berets in Niger, US President Donald Trump noted that before 1867, his predecessors did not even bother to call the families of fallen soldiers. “Okay, so I haven’t gotten around to calling the families of the fallen Green Berets, or the Navy SEAL killed in Yemen, but so what?” Trump said...
A meeting held by UNESCO’s General Conference to address President Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the agency ended with the conference passing nearly 80 resolutions condemning Israel and the Jewish people. “We really aren’t sure how it happened,” Director-General Irina Bokova admitted. “We opened up the debate to discuss the loss of US support, and the next thing...
Stepping up US support for efforts to overthrow the Assad regime, the Trump administration announced that it has begun distributing paper towels to anti-government forces. The decision came after the president received praise for his response to Hurricane Maria’s devastation, showing up two weeks after the storm hit and dramatically throwing paper towels to people in hurricane relief centers. In...
Citing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s support for “the legitimate efforts of the Kurdish people to achieve a state of their own,” Palestinian leaders say that they will again pursue statehood but instead call their country “Kurdistan II.” “After eight years of putting off serious discussions about the creation of a state, we were beginning to wonder whether Bibi believed...
Iran’s supreme leader is distraught over US President Donald Trump’s decision to dub North Korean strongman Kim Jong-un “Rocket Man,” saying he has long been gunning for that title. “I have spent the better part of two decades building an illegal nuclear weapons and missile program, just so I could have a badass nickname,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told The Mideast...
Iraq’s Kurdish population has decided to put its dreams of independence on hold, canceling a planned referendum after the organic grocer Whole Foods opened its first location in the country. “After learning that Iraq will soon be home to a growing number of Whole Foods Markets, we have withdrawn our bid for secession,” Kurdish President Masoud Barzani said in an...
Former NFL quarterback and full-time activist Colin Kaepernick has taken another controversial stand, announcing that he now plans to give up football and devote himself to hunting bald eagles to protest US military action in the Middle East. “While America invaded Iraq and Afghanistan and killed billions of innocent African (sic) children, these stupid birds had no problem masquerading as...
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is reportedly scrambling to revise his speech to the United Nations, after US President Donald Trump raised the bar by threatening to annihilate North Korea. “I had all these hair-raising lines about how we would meet America with a force never seen before, show no mercy and bring death and destruction,” Baghdadi told The Mideast...
Defending his decision to ‘like’ a pornographic post on Twitter Monday, US senator Ted Cruz insisted his action was proof that he would not let terrorism stop him from living his life. “Our nation’s founders risked their lives for our right to live in freedom, to establish our own government, and to stream video of a good-looking young man having...
After learning that intensive counseling had failed to heal many of the deep emotional wounds caused by the event, the University of California at Berkeley is now offering assisted suicide to students threatened by conservative journalist Ben Shapiro’s scheduled talk. “No student should ever feel threatened, harassed, or the least bit uncomfortable by being exposed to controversial or offensive ideas,”...
Saying that Islamic State caused “lasting damage” to the global jihadi movement, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri has unloaded on his ISIS counterparts in a new memoir. “Everything that we did, ISIS just kept trying to one-up us,” Zawahiri complains in the book. “We proposed declaring a caliphate once we unite the lands of Islam, and they said ‘Well, we’ll...
Inspired by UFC star Conor McGregor’s performance in Saturday’s bout, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that he will take a break from jihad to try his luck in the boxing ring. “Fighting is fighting, whether you’re doing it in a ring with gloves or in Shia mosque with a suicide belt,” al-Baghdadi said in announcing his decision. “If McGregor...
Saying that only the Qataris understood what it was like to be isolated because of one’s political beliefs, former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has signed a one-year deal with the embattled Middle Eastern nation. The signing comes after Kaepernick, who made headlines for refusing to stand for the national anthem, has struggled to find an NFL team willing...
The Trump administration has suffered another setback, as the president was forced to dissolve his Council of Evil Dictators following the resignation of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. President Trump had launched the council in an effort to implement best practices in eroding American democracy and empowering the country’s worst people. But the council’s members began dropping out following Trump’s comments...
Admitting that they were a bit bewildered by the recent Nazi/White Nationalist march in Charlottesville, Virginia, and by President Trump’s silence over the incident, ISIS leaders have cautiously approached the president to check if he would be cool with their terror group holding a similar rally. “I’ve spent all these years as an enemy of America trying to sneak into...
In a photo shoot that supporters of the ISIS leader have called inspirational, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi will appear on the cover of Vogue magazine wearing only a tight black speedo and hot pink bikini. “I’m still alive and I am beautiful!” the Caliph wrote in a Tweet accompanying the picture, which showed him in stunning two-piece. The spread...
Saying that he was “rather optimistic” given the current climate, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is reportedly hopeful that the escalating situation between nuclear-armed North Korea and the United States may obviate the need for peace negotiations with the Palestinians. “I’ve been procrastinating on serious negotiations for years, and frankly I am afraid that I’m running out of excuses,” Netanyahu...
