Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Cubs Fans Riot Over Metal Detectors at Wrigley Field
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Cubs Fans Riot Over Metal Detectors at Wrigley Field

Saying that they were being denied access to a venue of nearly religious significance, fans of the Chicago Cubs have kicked off riots demanding the removal of metal detectors at entrances to Wrigley Field. Though the metal detectors have been in place since the beginning of the 2016 season, they were relatively uncontroversial until recent months, when Jerusalem saw riots...

ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale
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ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale

Saying it would be unfair to expect his warriors to sacrifice their lives for Islam before finding out if Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen actually get it on, ISIS spokesman Ahmed al-Lannister announced that the terror group will put off its apocalyptic battle with western infidels until after the popular HBO series “Game of Thrones” concludes. “While the forces of...

In Deadline Deal, US Swaps Trump for Rouhani, Cash Considerations

In Deadline Deal, US Swaps Trump for Rouhani, Cash Considerations

In a move both sides say will bolster their political roster, the US has traded President Donald Trump to Iran for President Hassan Rouhani and cash considerations just before Monday’s trade deadline. Iran will also receive a politician to be named later. Sources familiar with the deal told The Mideast Beast that the trade made sense for both sides. While...

Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million
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Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million

Saying that his government was “terribly sorry” about the way the former NFL superstar has been treated following his conviction on charges of armed robbery, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has agreed to pay $10 million to O.J. Simpson. “Just like Omar Khadr, O.J. is the true victim,” said Trudeau, referring to the former Guantanamo detainee also given a $10...

Following Resolution on Jerusalem and Hebron, UNESCO Denies “Heaven’s Gate” Connection to Hale-Bopp Comet
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Following Resolution on Jerusalem and Hebron, UNESCO Denies “Heaven’s Gate” Connection to Hale-Bopp Comet

Hoping that their decision would help counter charges of antisemitism, UNESCO voted today in favor of a resolution on the Hale-Bopp Comet that leaves out any mention of its connection to the Heaven’s Gate religious group. The vote comes after the organization passed a similar resolution denying any Jewish connection to the Western Wall and Temple Mount in Israel, as...

Assad Offers Humanitarian Assistance to Lena Dunham’s Dogs
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Assad Offers Humanitarian Assistance to Lena Dunham’s Dogs

Saying that he could no longer stand by in the face of such needless suffering, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has agreed to take in a limited number of dog refugees from actress Lena Dunham. Assad’s offer comes after reports that a healthy dog adopted by Dunham in 2014 was later returned to the animal shelter showing signs of PTSD. “While...

Chicago to Hold Next ‘Dyke March’ in Saudi Arabia
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Chicago to Hold Next ‘Dyke March’ in Saudi Arabia

Saying that the presence of Jewish pride flags at this year’s event “made people feel unsafe,” organizers of Chicago’s ‘Dyke March’ announced that next year’s event will be moved to Saudi Arabia. “The fact that Jews were trying to march in our parade really triggered a lot of our marchers,” one of the event’s organizers told The Mideast Beast. “But...

Trump Demands Pussy-Grabbing Space at Western Wall

Trump Demands Pussy-Grabbing Space at Western Wall

Weighing in on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s decision to scrap an egalitarian prayer space at the Western Wall, US President Donald Trump said he will not return to the country until the government dedicates a portion of the Jewish holy site to pussy grabbing. “Listen, in my last trip to Israel, praying at the wall was really a tremendous...

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’
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Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

President Donald Trump lashed out at Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai, responding to criticism from the 18-year-old Pakistani by claiming that “a real hero would have never gotten shot in the first place.” “I mean, everyone goes on about how, ‘Oh, she’s soooo brave, and so courageous,’ just because she got shot in the face. I mean, how brave do you...

Middle Eastern Dictators Jealous of Trump Over Cabinet Meeting of ‘Blessings’

Middle Eastern Dictators Jealous of Trump Over Cabinet Meeting of ‘Blessings’

Saying that their own supporters had never shown quite such a level of fawning flattery, strongmen from across the Middle East and beyond are reportedly aching with jealousy over President Trump’s cabinet meeting last week. The meeting – in which cabinet members went around the table thanking Trump for the “blessing to serve [his] agenda” – has convinced many dictators...

Paul Ryan Defends ISIS Saying, ‘They’re New at This’

Paul Ryan Defends ISIS Saying, ‘They’re New at This’

Asking that the public show some patience and understanding, House Speaker Paul Ryan defended the Islamic State and its leadership, saying the group was “new to this.” “Listen, ISIS has only been around three or four years. They aren’t steeped in all the long-running protocols, like the Geneva Convention,” Ryan told reporters. “Who hasn’t, in the first couple years running...

Needing Change of Scenery, Hamas to Focus on Creating Puerto Rican State

Needing Change of Scenery, Hamas to Focus on Creating Puerto Rican State

Saying that it needed to shake things up after three decades of fighting for a Palestinian state, the militant Islamist group Hamas announced that it will relocate to Puerto Rico and spend an undisclosed period of time fighting for statehood in the US territory. “Listen, we love the Palestinian people and are committed to creating an Islamic state in all...

ISIS Leader Alive but in Hiding Because ‘He Got Fat,’ Source Says

ISIS Leader Alive but in Hiding Because ‘He Got Fat,’ Source Says

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was not killed in a Russian airstrike, a well-placed source has told The Mideast Beast, but has not appeared in public in recent months because “he got fat.” “Abu is fine, the bombs missed him,” ISIS chief strategist Sadiq al-Bannon said in a text message. “But he’s been having a little too much shawarma and...

Turkey, Iran to Provide Food and Water to White House

Turkey, Iran to Provide Food and Water to White House

Saying that it feared its diplomatic isolation could lead to humanitarian crisis, the White House announced that it has accepted food and water deliveries from Iran and Turkey. The move comes after nearly all the administration’s Washington, D.C. neighbors cut off diplomatic relations with the White House following allegations by former FBI director James Comey that the country’s leader had...

ISIS to Join Paris Climate Accord

ISIS to Join Paris Climate Accord

Saying that that he looked forward to a future in which his children could live in a global Caliphate without the fear of rising oceans, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that his country has replaced the US in the Paris Climate Agreement. “We believe that future generations should live in a world without infidels – and with polar bears,”...

UN Pulls Support for ‘O.J. Simpson Palestinian Women’s Center’

UN Pulls Support for ‘O.J. Simpson Palestinian Women’s Center’

UN Secretary-General António Guterres has once again dissociated his organization from a controversial Palestinian women’s center, after Palestinian officials changed the facility’s name to the “Martyr O.J. Simpson Palestinian Women’s Center.” The center’s new name caused embarrassment for both the UN and for Norway’s foreign ministry, which had sponsored the project. The controversy comes a week after the Palestinian Authority...

Trump Reverses Muslim Ban After Falafel Shortage Rocks US

Trump Reverses Muslim Ban After Falafel Shortage Rocks US

President Trump reversed an executive order banning immigrants and visa holders from seven Muslim countries Sunday after a nation-wide falafel shortage brought protestors to the streets in several major cities. Just hours after the ban went into place, long lines had formed outside falafel shops across the country, as beleaguered halal vendors struggled to meet the demand for the deep-fried...

Turkish President Hires Greg Gianforte as Press Secretary

Turkish President Hires Greg Gianforte as Press Secretary

Republican Greg Gianforte has turned down a seat as Montana’s lone congressman, announcing Friday that he will instead accept a position as Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s press secretary and head of security. “I am greatly honored that the voters of Montana have elected me after my body-slam of a Guardian reporter,” Gianforte said in a statement released Friday morning....

Kendall Jenner Tapped as Israeli-Palestinian Peace Envoy

Kendall Jenner Tapped as Israeli-Palestinian Peace Envoy

Citing her “tremendous success” in bridging the gap between the police and the Black Lives Matter movement, President Trump announced he has appointed Kendall Jenner to lead Israeli-Palestinian peace talks for his administration. “Listen, this Kendall Jenner, I’m hearing great things,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “I hear she does amazing things with Pepsi, and she is being recognized more...