Rani Steelballs
Rani Steelballs is a Dodo Bird enthusiast; a deep believer in the multiverse yet a Monotheist; an Aquarius that smiles while reading his daily horoscope but vehemently denies astrology has any merit; and he is fascinated by the special relationship between American Jews and Chinese food.
His phobias include redheads, Victorian Porcelain Dolls, the Russian language, running out of cigarettes, and Israeli women that yell at him.
Steelballs currently resides in an illegally occupied town in Northern Cyprus.
Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv
It’s official. Tel Aviv, one of the most liberal cities in the world, and hands down the most gay-friendly city in the Middle East and one of the most gay-friendly cities in the entire world, now contains a majority of gay citizens. At a press conference, TLV-Gay leader Yossi Dingle said, “It’s true that we’ve made huge strides in bringing about more gay rights and we’ve always been strong and hard in our thrusts in aiming for those rights, always standing erect with pride and never...
World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply
TEL AVIV – The Mideast Beast has recently discovered that The World Health Organization (WHO) has added high levels of Valium to Israelis’ and Palestinians’ water supply. If true, the move is a serious breach of national security and of international law, with some claiming it’s a form of chemical warfare. Yet, no one in Israel or Palestine seems bothered by the move. WHO spokeswoman, Dr. Jamie Gagglenuts, delivered an official and concise statement on why the WHO took such drastic steps: “the unofficial consensus within...
Netanyahu to Dress as Inmate for Purim
Purim, the ‘Jewish Halloween’ begins tonight and the Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, is joining the celebrations. A spokesperson from the Prime Minister’s Office relayed, “As Bibi follows the news (and possible corruption indictments), he feels that it would be best to dress in prisoners’ uniform not only for fun but, you know, just in case. Speaking to a crowd of supporters, Netanyahu said, “Allegedly, it’s true that I betrayed the office of the Prime Minister and allegedly abused my...
12-Step Program for Middle East Addicts
The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with the Director of ‘Middle East Addicts Anonymous’ (MEAA), who has developed a 12-step program for addiction sufferers. “It turns out that commenting on Middle East issues ‘like a pro’ is proving to be very addictive. At least drunks can be fun and a potential source of hook ups, whereas Middle East addicts are simply annoying. We believe that this carefully-designed 12-step program may help with their severe problem.” Admit you are an...
ISIS Threatens to Behead Famed Groundhog for ‘Six More Weeks of Winter’
An ISIS sleeper cell, located in Pennsylvania, has released a video threatening to behead Punxsutawney Phil, the famed groundhog, for its recent regional prediction: six more weeks of winter. “In the name of Allah, it’s butt-ass cold in Pennsylvania!” said one ISIS member that was willing to speak with The Mideast Beast. When our handlers prepared for us to live in the U.S. we weren’t warned about the weather; come on, we’re Middle Eastern! Back in Iraq and Syria my...
U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift
This week the CIA and Mossad secretly announced pleasure as ISIS operatives accepted a shipment of Apple Watch gifts from their leader, or so they thought. Along with the usual weekly shipment of head-separating equipment, top ISIS officials found a box of Apple Watches with a note saying, “Mabrouk on the hard work. Your leader presents every fighter with 18-karat Gold Case Apple Watches.” Although surprised by the gift, some ISIS members strapped them on faster than suicide vests. “When...
Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon
In a seismic military blunder, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Monday morning. Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah is stretched thin, being too busy in the Clown-Killing Circus, or Syria as it’s officially referred to. When The Mideast Beast asked how such a situation could possibly occur, the IDF Chief of Staff just shrugged his shoulders and...
Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp
In turns out that, of all things, porn has helped Israelis and Palestinians find common ground for peace and coexistence. Yona Cohen, a 16-year old from Jerusalem told us, “I was at one of those ‘co-existence’ camps this past summer and I was bored out my mind. Figured I’d just pass the time by watching a little porn on my iPhone. That’s when Ahmed saw what I was looking at. I thought ‘shit, now I’m in trouble’ but he leaned over and...
Americans Thrilled as United Nations Headquarters to be Moved to Israel
In what many will view as a surprising move, the United Nations has voted to relocate its headquarters to Israel. According to recent U.S. polls, Americans feel that the UN has overstayed its Manhattan visit. One Alabama resident told The Mideast Beast, “Dang, they’ve been here since 1952. 51 years is long enough! Wait, what’s 2017 minus 1952?” After 65 years in the heart of New York City, the UN’s Security Council voted on Israel as its next location. Many Israelis are thrilled at...
U.S. Wishes Israel Happy Jewish New Year by Giving It All of Its Foreign Aid
Last Friday Heather Nauert, a spokeswoman for the US State Department, announced that, as a gift for the Jewish New Year, all foreign assistance to all countries will be suspended…except for the State of Israel. The US House Subcommittee on State, Foreign Operations, and Related Programs made the decision after consulting with the Mossad. According to Nauert, “The complexities involved in assisting so many countries is simply too complex, and we thank the Mossad for helping us to understand just how complex...
Security Report: Things Are Suspiciously Quiet between Israelis and Palestinians
Security forces, as well as World News enthusiasts in general, have wondered why things are perhaps a bit too quiet on the Israeli-Palestinian front. “We’re used to seeing something about Israel and Palestine on the news,” said one CNN junkie. “But now it’s just bombs in Europe, racism in the US, and Anthony Weiner. Hell, not even Syria is on the news now. I’ve got to go to The Mideast Beast to get that sort of coverage.” “I admit, the...
Trump Pardons ISIS Leader, ‘A Patriot Who Kept the Caliphate Safe’
MARICOPA, AL-ARIZONASTAN — On Friday, President Trump pardoned controversial ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, commenting that his “only crime was protecting the Caliphate from non-believers.” “Despite the failing New York Times’ description of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his aggressive efforts to hunt down and detain infidels, Abu was only attempting to protect his citizens and land,” Trump said in a press release. In an editorial, Breitbart.com defended Trump’s decision. “So, he ordered his men to pull over people who looked...
Citizens Beginning to Suspect Erratic Behavior in Their Leader
Following a multitude of reports regarding corruption and firebrand speeches, he immediately engages in one of his favorite activities: yelling and tweeting “Fake News!” He’s even gone so far as to focus his attacks on specific journalists. The media, is to him, the epicenter of an all-out political ‘witch hunt’, one of his favorite terms. He lies at will, he’s never to blame, and he’s always the victim. And don’t even get us started on his combover, or his wife....
Man Photographed Strapped with AK-47 Shocked to Be Called ‘Radical’ at Hamas Rally
AL-CHARLOTTESVILLE — Photos of Hamas members at a rally are being plastered all over the Internet. One in particular, which has since become the face of the ‘Unite the Fight’ rally, is that of Ibrahim al-Masri, a 21-year old university student from Hebron. He was shocked when he saw a frightening photo of himself screaming and firing his AK into the air on the Internet. Speaking to The Mideast Beast al-Masri commented, “Yes, I am a member of Hamas but...
Saudi Royals on Recent U.S. Health Care Bill: ‘Well Played, Trump. Well Played.’
Saudi royals have tipped their hats to President Trump following the vote to repeal and replace Obamacare. Their spokesman commented, “Trump may be onto something. Honestly, we’ve always gone for the short-term solution in treating our citizens like shit, such as beheadings every Friday afternoon in Chop-Chop Square. And while we’re way ahead of ISIS in melon-slicing, it’s definitely not a long-term solution to hurting our own people. Now, take away our universal health care system and the long-term results are bound...
In Exclusive 69th Birthday Interview, Israel Says, “I’m Ready to Expand a Bit.”
Today is Israel’s 69th birthday and apparently he’s grown tired of his size and he’s looking to stretch his legs a bit. At least that’s what the Zionist stud told The Mideast Beast when he caught up with him for a quick interview. “Let’s be honest, I didn’t ask for this God-given role. Yet here I am, over 3,000 years later, still a hoppin’ A-list superstar. Even the haters can’t stop talking. But look at me; I’m a midget! Sorry, ‘Person of Short...
Life after politics: 10 Job Possibilities for Netanyahu
It seems impossible but Benjamin Netanyahu will lose power one day. But supporters should not despair, as the Zionist pin-up has plenty of opportunities outside of Israeli politics: The Mideast Beast ran a poll asking readers what life after politics may hold for the current Prime Minister. Below are the top 10 answers. No official bodies sanctioned this effort and approximately 1 person, give or take, were polled. A model for GAP or Old Navy’s ‘New Senior Citizens Fashion Line’ Political advisor...
‘Real News’ Agencies Slam ‘Fake News’ Sites for Spreading Inaccuracy
News agencies around the world are fuming at the existence of satirical news sites, claiming they are doing grave damage to people’s knowledge of the facts. Yet, news agencies that people rely on for information regarding global events, such as Fox News and CNN (among a slew of others), have a disturbingly high percentage of incorrect fact presentation. In other words, their bullshit meter is, at times, off the fucking charts. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, a BBC official in...
Leaked Diplomatic Transcripts Reveal Possible Solution to Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
JERUSALEM, RAMALLAH — 29 October 2016, Office of the Prime Minister (Israel); Office of the President of the Palestinian Authority Beginning of transcript End of transcript...
Israeli Army to Invade U.S., Build Security Wall Around Oval Office if Trump Wins
JERUSALEM – With two weeks left until the new president of the United States is elected, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) is already formulating a strategy of containment for the off chance that Donald Trump wins. “Everyone thought we had it bad over the last eight years with a communist Muslim in the White House. Although, in retrospect, he actually was good to us. But Trump? We simply cannot take the chance of a President who will receive his security...