Rani Steelballs

Rani Steelballs is a Dodo Bird enthusiast; a deep believer in the multiverse yet a Monotheist; an Aquarius that smiles while reading his daily horoscope but vehemently denies astrology has any merit; and he is fascinated by the special relationship between American Jews and Chinese food.

His phobias include redheads, Victorian Porcelain Dolls, the Russian language, running out of cigarettes, and Israeli women that yell at him.

Steelballs currently resides in an illegally occupied town in Northern Cyprus.

 

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict
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Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to hate-post as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a bunch of white people outside...

Revived ‘Islamic State’ Takes Note of Antifa’s Methods

Revived ‘Islamic State’ Takes Note of Antifa’s Methods

NORTHERN SYRIA – As President Trump brings the crayons to the fountain pen world of strategic thinking, the once-beaten Islamic State now roams freely over Northern Syria, deliberating over whose head is going to roll next. According to John, an IS jihadi pondering the current state of affairs, “It’s been so long since I’ve done some ‘slicing and dicing’ of...

Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out
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Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out

Yesterday, Israeli agents joined the world in commemorating the attacks on September 11, 2001. “I can’t believe it’s been 18 years since we managed to pull off one of the greatest terror attacks in history,” one now-retired Mossad agent told The Mideast Beast. “I remember how difficult it was for us to not only call but ensure that 4,000 Jews...

Life after politics: 10 Job Possibilities for Netanyahu

Life after politics: 10 Job Possibilities for Netanyahu

  It seems impossible but Benjamin Netanyahu will lose power one day. But supporters should not despair, as the Zionist pin-up has plenty of opportunities outside of Israeli politics: The Mideast Beast ran a poll asking readers what life after politics may hold for the current Prime Minister. Below are the top 10 answers. No official bodies sanctioned this effort and approximately 1...

Brexit Planners Look to Israelis and Palestinians For Inspiration

Brexit Planners Look to Israelis and Palestinians For Inspiration

Stuck in a Brexit rut, the British have turned to Israelis and Palestinians for assistance. “We have very little time to plan our exit from the colonial, globalist grip of the EU. So, we reached out to Israeli and Palestinian leadership because of what they’ve been able to accomplish over the last 50 years,” noted one spokesperson from 10 Downing...

Iran Just Loving Saudi Situation in Turkey
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Iran Just Loving Saudi Situation in Turkey

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Iranian leaders relayed that they couldn’t be happier with what’s going on with their Sunni brethren over in Iran’s newest buddy, Turkey. Reclining back in their American barcaloungers, one Iranian official said, “Come on, we carry out terror attacks around the world all of the time and we never get busted like...

Israelis Concerned Another War with Hezbollah Will Disrupt Weed Supply

Israelis Concerned Another War with Hezbollah Will Disrupt Weed Supply

As Hezbollah is in the process of rebuilding itself in Lebanon after fighting in Syria, it is Israelis who are, more than anyone else, the most concerned. After all, the majority of marijuana imported into Israel comes from Lebanon, and Hezbollah has a serious piece of the green and sticky black business. “Look, I hate Hezbollah just as much as...

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon
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Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

In a seismic military blunder, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Monday morning (GMT+2). Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah is stretched thin, still too busy in the Clown-Killing Circus, or Syria as it’s officially referred to....

Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv
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Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

It’s official. Tel Aviv, one of the most liberal cities in the world, and hands down the most gay-friendly city in the Middle East and one of the most gay-friendly cities in the entire world, now contains a majority of gay citizens. At a press conference, TLV-Gay leader Yossi Dingle said, “It’s true that we’ve made huge strides in bringing about more gay rights and...

World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply
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World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply

TEL AVIV –  The Mideast Beast has recently discovered that The World Health Organization (WHO) has added high levels of Valium to Israelis’ and Palestinians’ water supply. If true, the move is a serious breach of national security and of international law, with some claiming it’s a form of chemical warfare. Yet, no one in Israel or Palestine seems bothered by the move. WHO spokeswoman, Dr....

12-Step Program for Middle East Addicts
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12-Step Program for Middle East Addicts

The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with the Director of ‘Middle East Addicts Anonymous’ (MEAA), who has developed a 12-step program for addiction sufferers. “It turns out that commenting on Middle East issues ‘like a pro’ is proving to be very addictive.  At least drunks can be fun and a potential source of hook ups, whereas Middle East addicts...

ISIS Threatens to Behead Famed Groundhog for ‘Six More Weeks of Winter’

ISIS Threatens to Behead Famed Groundhog for ‘Six More Weeks of Winter’

An ISIS sleeper cell, located in Pennsylvania, has released a video threatening to behead Punxsutawney Phil, the famed groundhog, for its recent regional prediction: six more weeks of winter. “In the name of Allah, it’s butt-ass cold in Pennsylvania!” said one ISIS member that was willing to speak with The Mideast Beast. When our handlers prepared for us to live...

U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift
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U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift

This week the CIA and Mossad secretly announced pleasure as ISIS operatives accepted a shipment of Apple Watch gifts from their leader, or so they thought. Along with the usual weekly shipment of head-separating equipment, top ISIS officials found a box of Apple Watches with a note saying, “Mabrouk on the hard work. Your leader presents every fighter with 18-karat...

Netanyahu to Dress as Inmate for Purim

Netanyahu to Dress as Inmate for Purim

Purim, the ‘Jewish Halloween’ begins in March but the Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, has already announced that he’ll be joining the celebrations. A spokesperson from the Prime Minister’s Office relayed, “As Bibi follows the news (and possible corruption indictments), he feels that it would be best to dress in prisoners’ uniform not only for fun but, you know, just...

Americans Thrilled as United Nations Headquarters to be Moved to Israel
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Americans Thrilled as United Nations Headquarters to be Moved to Israel

In what many will view as a surprising move, the United Nations has voted to relocate its headquarters to Israel. According to recent U.S. polls, Americans feel that the UN has overstayed its Manhattan visit. One Alabama resident told The Mideast Beast, “Dang, they’ve been here since 1952. 51 years is long enough! Wait, what’s 2017 minus 1952?” After 65 years in the...

Trump Pardons ISIS Leader, ‘A Patriot Who Kept the Caliphate Safe’

Trump Pardons ISIS Leader, ‘A Patriot Who Kept the Caliphate Safe’

MARICOPA, AL-ARIZONASTAN — On Friday, President Trump pardoned controversial ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, commenting that his “only crime was protecting the Caliphate from non-believers.” “Despite the failing New York Times’ description of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his aggressive efforts to hunt down and detain infidels, Abu was only attempting to protect his citizens and land,” Trump said in a...