Rani Steelballs

Rani Steelballs is a Dodo Bird enthusiast; a deep believer in the multiverse yet a Monotheist; an Aquarius that smiles while reading his daily horoscope but vehemently denies astrology has any merit; and he is fascinated by the special relationship between American Jews and Chinese food.

His phobias include redheads, Victorian Porcelain Dolls, the Russian language, running out of cigarettes, and Israeli women that yell at him.

Steelballs currently resides in an illegally occupied town in Northern Cyprus.

 

“That Wasn’t Me in the Israel Rant Video!” Claims John Oliver
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“That Wasn’t Me in the Israel Rant Video!” Claims John Oliver

John Oliver – the award-winning comedian, political satirist, and host of the eponymous HBO show “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver” – has vehemently denied that he had anything to do with the now (in)famous ‘Israel rant’, claiming to be a victim of deepfake technology. FBI agents have arrested Ronald Dahl, a 16-year-old London native now living in New York...

Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’
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Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’

The Gaza-based, Iranian-backed Palestinian Islamist terror organization, Hamas, chided The Onion yesterday for its anti-Israel obsession, urging the Wisconsin-based satirical publication to “focus more on the LOLs.” The group’s message came during the recent outbreak of violence leading to a series of Onion articles that, in the words of Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, “were the kind of anti-Israel rants we...

Hamas Asks Late Night Hosts to Investigate Israeli War Crimes after UN Says Israeli Strikes ‘Precise’, ‘Accurate’
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Hamas Asks Late Night Hosts to Investigate Israeli War Crimes after UN Says Israeli Strikes ‘Precise’, ‘Accurate’

In a shocking twist to the 2021 Israel-Gaza War, Mattias Schmale, the Director of the United Nations Relief and Works Agency (UNRWA) in Gaza told reporters that he believes the IDF “struck targets with ‘sophistication’ and ‘precision’.” Unsurprisingly, anger was widespread and condemnation was quick. Hamas, who has (literally) worked for UNRWA, as well as having used UNRWA schools from...

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict
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Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to hate-post or upload fake news as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a bunch...

UN Troops Abandon Mission…Again
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UN Troops Abandon Mission…Again

In a ‘not-in-the-least-shocking’ move, United Nations peacekeeping troops stationed in Syria have abandoned their headquarters and crossed over into Israel. According to one commander in the UN’s Pack up and Run Department, “It is true that this is the 177th time we’ve ‘pulled a roadrunner’ since the UN was established. But, we will continue the tradition of sending semi-trained, underpaid...

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invade Lebanon
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Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invade Lebanon

In a seismic military blunder, and just prior to maritime border talks with the Lebanese government, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Sunday morning (GMT+2). Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah remains stretched thin,...

Revived ‘Islamic State’ Takes Note of Antifa’s Methods

Revived ‘Islamic State’ Takes Note of Antifa’s Methods

NORTHERN SYRIA – As President Trump brings the crayons to the fountain pen world of strategic thinking, the once-beaten Islamic State now roams freely over Northern Syria, deliberating over whose head is going to roll next. According to John, an IS jihadi pondering the current state of affairs, “It’s been so long since I’ve done some ‘slicing and dicing’ of...

Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out
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Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out

Yesterday, Israeli agents joined the world in commemorating the attacks on September 11, 2001. “I can’t believe it’s been 18 years since we managed to pull off one of the greatest terror attacks in history,” one now-retired Mossad agent told The Mideast Beast. “I remember how difficult it was for us to not only call but ensure that 4,000 Jews...

Life after politics: 10 Job Possibilities for Netanyahu

Life after politics: 10 Job Possibilities for Netanyahu

  It seems impossible but Benjamin Netanyahu will lose power one day. But supporters should not despair, as the Zionist pin-up has plenty of opportunities outside of Israeli politics: The Mideast Beast ran a poll asking readers what life after politics may hold for the current Prime Minister. Below are the top 10 answers. No official bodies sanctioned this effort and approximately 1...

Brexit Planners Look to Israelis and Palestinians For Inspiration

Brexit Planners Look to Israelis and Palestinians For Inspiration

Stuck in a Brexit rut, the British have turned to Israelis and Palestinians for assistance. “We have very little time to plan our exit from the colonial, globalist grip of the EU. So, we reached out to Israeli and Palestinian leadership because of what they’ve been able to accomplish over the last 50 years,” noted one spokesperson from 10 Downing...

Iran Just Loving Saudi Situation in Turkey
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Iran Just Loving Saudi Situation in Turkey

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Iranian leaders relayed that they couldn’t be happier with what’s going on with their Sunni brethren over in Iran’s newest buddy, Turkey. Reclining back in their American barcaloungers, one Iranian official said, “Come on, we carry out terror attacks around the world all of the time and we never get busted like...

Israelis Concerned Another War with Hezbollah Will Disrupt Weed Supply

Israelis Concerned Another War with Hezbollah Will Disrupt Weed Supply

As Hezbollah is in the process of rebuilding itself in Lebanon after fighting in Syria, it is Israelis who are, more than anyone else, the most concerned. After all, the majority of marijuana imported into Israel comes from Lebanon, and Hezbollah has a serious piece of the green and sticky black business. “Look, I hate Hezbollah just as much as...

Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv
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Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

It’s official. Tel Aviv, one of the most liberal cities in the world, and hands down the most gay-friendly city in the Middle East and one of the most gay-friendly cities in the entire world, now contains a majority of gay citizens. At a press conference, TLV-Gay leader Yossi Dingle said, “It’s true that we’ve made huge strides in bringing about more gay rights and...

World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply
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World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply

TEL AVIV –  The Mideast Beast has recently discovered that The World Health Organization (WHO) has added high levels of Valium to Israelis’ and Palestinians’ water supply. If true, the move is a serious breach of national security and of international law, with some claiming it’s a form of chemical warfare. Yet, no one in Israel or Palestine seems bothered by the move. WHO spokeswoman, Dr....

12-Step Program for Middle East Addicts
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12-Step Program for Middle East Addicts

The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with the Director of ‘Middle East Addicts Anonymous’ (MEAA), who has developed a 12-step program for addiction sufferers. “It turns out that commenting on Middle East issues ‘like a pro’ is proving to be very addictive.  At least drunks can be fun and a potential source of hook ups, whereas Middle East addicts...