Politics

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

Admitting that he does not know who he can trust anymore, President Trump said Thursday that he is struggling to reconcile Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s recent chemical weapon strike on civilians with Russian President Vladimir Putin’s promise that Assad is a “tremendous guy.” “Every time I speak to Vladimir – which is a lot, believe me – all he says is ‘Bashar is so great, Bashar is so loyal, why can’t you be more like Bashar?’ Trump told The Mideast...

ISIS Condemns Civilian Casualties in Iraq and Syria as “Too Corporate”

ISIS Condemns Civilian Casualties in Iraq and Syria as “Too Corporate”

Earlier today an Islamic State spokesperson condemned coalition airstrikes in Iraq and Syria, and the resulting collateral damage as “too corporate”, taking a drag from a hand rolled cigarette and saying, “we turned killing civilians into our own brand before it was cool”. The Islamic State has become notorious for the gruesome ways in which it has killed civilians and prisoners of war, such as when they lit a captured Jordanian pilot on fire and released the video on YouTube....

Trump Agrees to New Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Trump Agrees to New Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Following rocky negotiations between US and Israeli officials about new settlements in the West Bank, President Trump has instructed his envoy to allow building to go ahead, so long as they bear a giant “Trump” sign on the entrance. “This might be the toughest deal ever,” commented the President  “I’m not really up to speed with the complexities of the situation on the ground but I know that the Israelis can’t keep building settlements that don’t have my name on...

Jared Kushner Not Sure What He Did to Deserve This

Jared Kushner Not Sure What He Did to Deserve This

Jared Kushner has expressed dismay that his father in law, President Trump, insists on sending him to an active war zone whilst Donald Jr. and Eric get to hang out in Dubai Trump properties. During his trip this week to Baghdad Jared commented, “I can’t help but feel that I’m being treated like a second-class citizen, Hispanic if you will. And I don’t like it. The President’s sons are busy bringing back 1980s power business dressing across the Gulf, whilst...

Palestinians Trigger ‘Article 50’ to Leave Israel

Palestinians Trigger ‘Article 50’ to Leave Israel

Noting that they were shocked to learn how easy politically separating from a repressive entity is, the Palestinian Authority announced last week that it has triggered Article 50 to leave Israeli control. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said the idea originated when he saw a news article on British Prime Minister Theresa May taking a similar action to leave the EU. “I had never heard of ‘Article 50’, and had no idea that you could leave an unwanted union just by...

Afghans Vow to Free US from Russian Occupation

Afghans Vow to Free US from Russian Occupation

Nearly four decades after Americans helped their country drive out Soviet forces, Afghan leaders have pledged to return the favor by freeing the US from Russia’s grasp. “We will never forget that in 1979, when the Russians overthrew our rulers and installed a puppet government, Americans had our backs,” Taliban Emir Hibatullah Akhundzada told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the shoe is on the other foot, we have a responsibility to act.” On Saturday, Afghan forces set up a headquarters...

U.S. Democrats Seek Tips from Hamas on “Resisting Occupation”

U.S. Democrats Seek Tips from Hamas on “Resisting Occupation”

Following the surprise election of Donald Trump to be the country’s first ever hybrid President/CEO, the leaders of the Democratic Party have entered into an agreement with Hamas to receive training in armed resistance to an occupying power. ISIS could not be reached for comment, although it is understood that they were the second-lowest bidder behind the Palestinian amateur rocketeers. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer told The Mideast Beast, “The Republicans have taken our land!  They are occupiers and must be made...

Saudi King to Mike Pence: “You can be my VP Anytime.”

Saudi King to Mike Pence: “You can be my VP Anytime.”

King Salman of Saudi Arabia has expressed his admiration for Vice President Pence’s stance on meeting with women. In a statement to The Mideast Beast, he said, “He really does have a sensible approach which really resonates here in The Kingdom. The fact that he allows them to be uncovered in his presence is a little ‘progressive’ but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s just something to pacify the ‘libtards’.” Aryeh Deri, Chairman of Shas, the ultra-Orthodox political party of...

Queen Admits: “The Rothschilds Won’t Let Me Be a Muslim”

Queen Admits: “The Rothschilds Won’t Let Me Be a Muslim”

Queen Elizabeth II has expressed frustration that ‘the Jewish cabal’ led by the Rothschild Family refuses to let her exercise her fondest wish to convert to Islam. Interviewed by The Mideast Beast she commented, “Alex Jones is half right when he suggests that my Muslim subjects wish me to convert. Actually, I’d do it in a heartbeat if those bloody Jews would let me. But what can you do when they own the Bank of England? One is rather fond...

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out.  Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s recent revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus,...

ISIS Opens Recruiting Center in Israel After JCC Bomb Threat Arrest

ISIS Opens Recruiting Center in Israel After JCC Bomb Threat Arrest

Saying that the group “deeply regrets” ignoring a key demographic, the Islamic State announced that it has opened a recruiting center in Tel Aviv following the arrest of a Jewish Israeli-American teenager for making bomb threats against Jewish Community Centers in the United States. “For years, we bought into the false stereotype that Jews are less capable of unhinged or violent anti-Semitism than the rest of us,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said. “But the heroic actions of this young Israeli...

ISIS to U.S. Republicans: “God Damnit, You Had One Job…”

ISIS to U.S. Republicans: “God Damnit, You Had One Job…”

ISIS leaders have expressed frustration with House Leader Paul Ryan, as he failed to push through the repeal of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). A spokesman commented, “They had one job, destroy America. And we really thought that with control of all the levers of power in D.C., we could leave them to it while we concentrated on frolicking through the Levant with the sort of glee you’ve only seen before with President Trump pretending to drive a Mack truck.”...

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syrians have reacted angrily to the latest World Happiness Report that places them as only the fourth saddest place in the world, trailing Tanzania, Burundi and the Central African Republic. A spokesman for the Syrian government commented, “Tanzania has the Serengeti for fuck’s sake. How can you be sad when you’ve got lions to look at? I think we had some lions in the Damascus zoo, but we ate them. Doesn’t get sadder than that.” The disbelief is shared on...

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Leaders Praise Trump for Refusing Handshake with Woman

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Leaders Praise Trump for Refusing Handshake with Woman

President Trump’s refusal to shake German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s hand has won him the support of Israel’s Haredi community, as religious conservatives welcomed an unlikely ally in their battle against the mixing of the genders. “For years we’ve been refusing to sit on planes or busses with women who are not our wives because any physical contact between the sexes is wrong, and we are glad that the president has finally come around,” a spokesman for the ultra-orthodox, Jewish community...

U.S. Targets Terror Groups’ Major Weakness: They Hate Layovers

U.S. Targets Terror Groups’ Major Weakness: They Hate Layovers

Terrorists worldwide are scrambling to deal with the most recent US security restriction of banning personal electronic devices on planes flying directly to the US from several Muslim majority countries. One ISIS operations planner sounded exasperated when he told The Mideast Beast: “We’ve already booked the flight. Do you know how expensive it is to change your tickets? Let’s just say we’re going to have to sell another priceless ancient artifact.” The new plan from the White House, which went into...

ISIS Calls Trump Budget ‘A Bit Harsh’

ISIS Calls Trump Budget ‘A Bit Harsh’

The Islamic State has distanced itself from President Donald Trump’s first budget proposal, calling cuts to domestic programs “a bit harsh.” “Listen, we’re all for seeing Americans suffering, but this budget goes a little overboard,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Even we wouldn’t have thought of cutting Meals on Wheels funding.” ISIS did express support for some of the cuts, including funding for the National Endowment for the Arts. “What’s the point in paying millions of...

Saudi Woman Really Excited Not to be Allowed to Compete in Her New Athletic Hijab

Saudi Woman Really Excited Not to be Allowed to Compete in Her New Athletic Hijab

With Nike’s release of a new “Pro-Hijab” geared towards athletic Muslim women, a whole new group of female Muslim Athletes are really excited at the prospect of not being allowed to compete in international domestic and international competitions. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one female athlete in Saudi Arabia said she loves to run, but found it very difficult to find a male relative willing to escort her outdoors. Of Nike’s new innovation she whispered: “Now with the Nike Pro-Hijab,...

Trump Accuses Netanyahu of Spying on his Twitter Account

Trump Accuses Netanyahu of Spying on his Twitter Account

Just days after accusing the British government of tapping his phone on behalf of the Obama administration, President Trump now says Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been reading the President’s tweet’s without his permission. “The things I post to Twitter are some of my most personal thoughts, and the idea that other people may be spying on me by reading them is really very disturbing,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “I don’t know if Bibi [Netanyahu] is doing it...

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Saying they had finally found a way to resolve the Palestinian conflict while keeping Israel both a Jewish and democratic state, Israeli officials announced that Gaza and the West Bank will be annexed and given full voting rights under a system called the “electoral college.” Under this system, Israel will be divided into 50 regions, all of which will have varying numbers of electors, depending on the population. The Gaza Strip, the most densely populated region, would have 10 electors,...