Politics

Rudy Rochman’s Truth or Dare, and Trump’s Ramadan Diet (Add the Ketchup)

Rudy Rochman’s Truth or Dare, and Trump’s Ramadan Diet (Add the Ketchup)

Now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here Rudy Rochman, Founder and President of the Columbia University chapter of Students Supporting Israel, shares the BS about BDS, while Molly and Alex explore President Trump’s BDSM ketchup fetish that led him to cancel the annual Ramadan White House Feast. If you don’t have iTunes, check out our Podcast section on the website....

Israeli Military Currently Training Saudis How to Play ‘Whack-a-Mole’ in Yemen

Israeli Military Currently Training Saudis How to Play ‘Whack-a-Mole’ in Yemen

The Saudi-led coalition continues its fight against Iranian-backed Houthis in Yemen, and its not going great for either side. According to one Saudi commander, “Let’s face it, while the Houthis are really not top-notch fighters, it turns out we’re also not as good as we thought”. “We figured that since we blame the Zionists for everything anyhow, why not learn one of their tricks and if it backfires we’ll just blame them again. That beauty works every time.” The Saudi commander...

Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say

Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say

Arab leaders meeting in Cairo yesterday confirmed their commitment that the world will end in their region and not over in that upstart North Korea. Saudi Foreign Minister Adel bin-Ahmed al-Jubeir commented, “We’ve been in the end of the world, clash of civilizations, religious smackdown business since Mohammed was in diapers. That punk ass, toilet-brush haircut, chubster Kim Jong-un can suck on a camel if he thinks he gets to jump the queue by threatening Alaska. Alaska? Yeah, you go...

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

RAQQA, SYRIA — Feeling uncertain about the brutal torture, sex slavery, and ethnic cleansing, ISIS fighter Ahmed al-Mustafa has been wondering if maybe they’re not the good guys. “You know, I came here like everybody else to follow the path of Jihad and fight the infidels,” he remarked. “On Facebook, everything seemed totally great. Good friends, adventure, women, you name it! And everything we were doing was for the glory of God so I just assumed we were the good...

Assad to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence

Assad to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence

Last Tuesday, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reached out the Trump administration offering to help with the rising gun violence in Chicago. “You know, I have a great deal of experience dealing with armed gangs and civil unrest,” President Assad said to reporters. “Our so-called ‘Free Syrian Army’ isn’t so different from your Almighty Gaylords.” The White House Press Office has announced a comprehensive anti-crime joint taskforce is being developed with the Syrian Government to quell the gang-related violence. When pushed...

British Protests, Violence Mark 241 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

British Protests, Violence Mark 241 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans celebrate the 241st anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed “Occupied...

Chicago to Hold Next ‘Dyke March’ in Saudi Arabia

Chicago to Hold Next ‘Dyke March’ in Saudi Arabia

Saying that the presence of Jewish pride flags at this year’s event “made people feel unsafe,” organizers of Chicago’s ‘Dyke March’ announced that next year’s event will be moved to Saudi Arabia. “The fact that Jews were trying to march in our parade really triggered a lot of our marchers,” one of the event’s organizers told The Mideast Beast. “But thankfully, Saudi Arabia has created a ‘safe space’ where we won’t have to worry about any Zionists infiltrating our movement.”...

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

Taking the unusual step of defending its sworn enemy, the Islamic Republic of Iran has called a recent NRA advertisement “a bit dark” for its dystopic portrayal of the United States. “Listen, we eagerly await the destruction of the Great Satan as much as anybody, and we believe America is the cause of all the world’s evil,” Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, told The Mideast Beast. “But the NRA goes a bit overboard. I mean, things can’t be that...

Mexican Cartels Angry ISIS Getting All the Attention

Mexican Cartels Angry ISIS Getting All the Attention

MEXICO CITY — Last week, a spokesman for the notorious Mexican Sinaloa drug cartel reportedly complained to journalists that despite the high levels of violence in the region, ISIS is still getting the lion’s share of the world’s attention. A cartel spokesman was quoted saying, “We really try our hardest to be the most brutal gang in the world. We perform and/or offer dismemberments, beheadings, immolation, you name it, but I’m really not sure what more we can do at...

ISIS Ends Jihad Against US: Claims “AHCA More Effective Than Us at Killing Americans”

ISIS Ends Jihad Against US: Claims “AHCA More Effective Than Us at Killing Americans”

ISIS leadership called today for an immediate and indefinite suspension of hostilities against the US and American targets, commenting “there’s no need for us to kill Americans if they can do it better themselves.” “Our goal is to kill and wound as many of the Great Satan’s people as we can,” stated al-Chico. “As we were planning our next attack, we learned that the US House passed the AHCA. Once we read the bill, we had a revelation. Why are...

Poll: Only 40% of U.S. State Department Employees Confident Trump Knows Where Syria is

Poll: Only 40% of U.S. State Department Employees Confident Trump Knows Where Syria is

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a new internal survey conducted by the US State Department, less than half of all employees are confident that the current US President could point out Syria on a map. Earlier this week, President Trump threatened Syrian President Bashar al-Assad with grave repercussions if he were to use chemical weapons again. The survey was prompted by a discussion among state department officials, where no one could provide evidence that the current President of the United States...

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus, most...

Gaza: We Will Donate Our Water to Flint, Michigan, Since No One Else Seems to Give a Damn

Gaza: We Will Donate Our Water to Flint, Michigan, Since No One Else Seems to Give a Damn

Finally, someone is taking action to help the residents of Flint, Michigan. Flint, which is made up primarily of underprivileged minority groups, has experienced a lead-tainted drinking water crises which has poisoned thousands of its citizens. While many American government authorities are still not doing enough to confront the problem, concerned citizens of Gaza have decided that enough is enough, and have taken it upon themselves to donate their scant water resources to Flint residents. “This crisis is a disgrace,”...

Trump Demands Pussy-Grabbing Space at Western Wall

Trump Demands Pussy-Grabbing Space at Western Wall

Weighing in on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s decision to scrap an egalitarian prayer space at the Western Wall, US President Donald Trump said he will not return to the country until the government dedicates a portion of the Jewish holy site to pussy grabbing. “Listen, in my last trip to Israel, praying at the wall was really a tremendous experience, but when I looked around for a pussy to grab, I couldn’t find one,” Trump told The Mideast Beast,...

Trump on Eid Dinner: “I’m Only Going If There’s Ketchup”

Trump on Eid Dinner: “I’m Only Going If There’s Ketchup”

President Trump has broken a 20-year tradition by not hosting a White House Eid dinner this year. A spokesman for the president confirmed that the decision was taken after it was noted that there are no Middle Eastern dishes that can be enhanced by ketchup. “We looked at everything that was on offer and it became clear that the presidential desire to add his favorite tomato based condiment to everything, was not going to work in this case. It’s true...

Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg Joins ISIS

Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg Joins ISIS

Saying he was furious over criticism that his site had contributed to the spread of fake news leading up to the November 8, 2016 U.S. presidential election, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced that he has moved to Syria and joined ISIS. “The claim that Facebook is awash with false and misleading news in completely unfounded,” Zuckerberg told The Mideast Beast. “That is why I have decided to fight the American infidels on behalf of the resurgent Islamic Caliphate. Allahu Akbar.”...

Gazans Not Real Humans Anymore, Decides Everybody

Gazans Not Real Humans Anymore, Decides Everybody

A suspicious-looking study published by the Palestinian Authority and verified by Israel, the US, and Hamas has found that the residents of the Gaza Strip are not real, flesh and blood humans anymore. The seemingly-false study suggests that the residents of Gaza were all replaced by humanoid android bots sometime before the last Gaza War.  These droids can subsist on toxic drinking water alone and are impervious to drone strikes and shellfire. According to the PA, before it demanded Israel...

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Atlanta Braves told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

A new study from the Iranian Institute for the Advancement of anti-Semitism revealed that it’s the worst time in history to be an anti-Semite. The study showed that, since the inception of the Jewish state, it has become increasingly more difficult to persecute the Jews. When they started, the researchers said they hoped to show that persecuting Jews was as easy as “old times”, noting that “they are the only people on the planet running away from Europe towards the...