Politics

Al-Qaeda Opens Doors to Flood Victims; Condemns Osteen

Al-Qaeda Opens Doors to Flood Victims; Condemns Osteen

In the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, Houston residents have received help from an unlikely source.  While a media frenzy developed over Pastor Joel Osteen’s refusing to open the doors of his mega church to flood victims, the assistance that Al-Qaeda was giving went unnoticed. Under the radar and without delay, Al-Qaeda opened the doors to its huge training and recruitment complex in the middle of the city.  “We didn’t wait to be asked, we just helped, it was the right...

Former ISIS Sex Slave Struggles with New Life

Former ISIS Sex Slave Struggles with New Life

Somewhere in Ohio – Djali stands quietly in a grassy field, adjacent to her small house. She stares at the horizon, says nothing, breaking the stillness only to reach down to half-heartedly tug at the browning grass. This is because Djali is a former ISIS sex slave who was freed during the liberation of Mosul. After being taken in by a rescue agency, she now struggles to adapt to her new home on Elderberry Farms. One aid worker recalled Djali’s...

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has instructed lawyers to commence legal action against the state of Texas. A letter sent to Governor Greg Abbott outlines the case, “Our client objects to your attempts to take on the mantle of the birthplace of the ‘end of days’ with your so-called ‘biblical’ flood. It is a well-established fact that the end of the world will only commence within the confines of our region. Read your bible, people!” A spokesperson for the terror...

First Lady to Join Dictators’ Wives Club

First Lady to Join Dictators’ Wives Club

The Dictators’ Wives Club announced today that Melania Trump will be inducted at its next meeting.  This is a historic event as the USA has never been represented in the elite group.  When asked what prompted the decision a spokesperson commented, “President Trump felt he was losing ground as an aspiring dictator and begged us to let her in.  He initially showed signs of becoming a great dictator, but then we started having our doubts.  After his comments on Charlottesville...

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

The sinking of an ‘unsinkable ship’ always raises suspicion, and where there is suspicion, there is the ZIONIST PLOT. It permeates everything we do, only noticed by those who pay attention. The story of the Titanic is one of the best told and well known in the entire world. Despite being ‘unsinkable’, on April 14, 1912, the Titanic ‘accidentally’ struck an iceberg, killing 1,517 passengers. The Titanic never reached its destination. Because of THE ZIONISTS. What many people don’t know...

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

“I mean, just look around. Open your eyes people!” Steven Goldstein told The Mideast Beast (TMB). Goldstein, a self-proclaimed, tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist from south Florida, requested a meeting with TMB to discuss one of his newest theories. “They’re controlling everything. You think you’re a unique individual? Wrong. You’re just a cog in their world domination machine. Your whole life, all your efforts are just fuel for their continued rule.” Goldstein is referring to non-Jews, who he believes control the world’s...

ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously

ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously

In a recent interview, former adult movie star Mia Khalifa said that she had been receiving death threats from ISIS and has seen photo-shopped pictures online of herself being beheaded. Khalifa made headlines in the past for participating in an adult video wearing a Hijab and has angered some over several Lebanese nationalistic tattoos as well as a Lebanese Flag on her body. An ISIS spokesman has expressed outrage over her actions saying: “I heard from a friend that these...

Iranian Generals Beginning to Feel a Little Jealous of North Korea

Iranian Generals Beginning to Feel a Little Jealous of North Korea

Following North Korea’s recent launch of a missile over northern Japan, Iranian generals have noted to reporters that they are jealous that the ‘Hermit Kingdom’ has begun taking such dramatic action. As tensions soar between North Korea and the US, many of them noted that they were experiencing extreme feelings of ‘FOMO,’ and began to question why their country had ever signed a nuclear deal. “It’s not fair,” General Haziz Ashkan told reporters, “We should have balls like the North...

Trump Pardons ISIS Leader, ‘A Patriot Who Kept the Caliphate Safe’

Trump Pardons ISIS Leader, ‘A Patriot Who Kept the Caliphate Safe’

MARICOPA, AL-ARIZONASTAN — On Friday, President Trump pardoned controversial ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, commenting that his “only crime was protecting the Caliphate from non-believers.” “Despite the failing New York Times’ description of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his aggressive efforts to hunt down and detain infidels, Abu was only attempting to protect his citizens and land,” Trump said in a press release. In an editorial, Breitbart.com defended Trump’s decision. “So, he ordered his men to pull over people who looked...

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast. “Then out of nowhere, these antifa jackasses come out with the exact same routine and act like they invented it.”...

Jared Kushner Successfully Resolves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Jared Kushner Successfully Resolves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

A previously-thought-to-be intractable dispute that has foiled well-meaning leaders for decades, and whose roots go back millennia, has, finally and irrevocably, been solved thanks to middle-age wunderkind and, heretofore untrained, diplomat, US presidential son-in-law and appointed Middle East liaison, Mr. Jared Kushner. For the last two days, Mr. Kushner has applied himself towards fixing this conflict and, according to experts, has ended this previously unsolvable conundrum once and for all. “Mr. Kushner just has a way with people,” explained Prime...

Trump and the Nazis

Trump and the Nazis

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here On this episode of the The Mideast Beast Podcast,  hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles take on the Nazis. It’s not a question of win or lose, but rather the battle of ‘fake news’. Together, the two discuss the role of ‘fake news’ when it comes to Trump, the Middle East, and new Neo-Nazis, that seem to be everywhere. So are...

Struggling with Leaks, Internal Chaos and Loss of Support, He Sees the End is Near

Struggling with Leaks, Internal Chaos and Loss of Support, He Sees the End is Near

Beleaguered by leaks, organizational chaos, infighting, and members jumping ship, the infamous leader struggles to maintain his hold on power. One aid agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity “He’s breaking all the traditions! didn’t even hold a Ramadan dinner! All the past leaders I can remember has hosted Ramadan dinner.” The “Fire and Fury” leader has lost a large number of his cabinet members, including several spokespeople, some lasting only a few days. “These guys come...

Citizens Beginning to Suspect Erratic Behavior in Their Leader

Citizens Beginning to Suspect Erratic Behavior in Their Leader

Following a multitude of reports regarding corruption and firebrand speeches, he immediately engages in one of his favorite activities: yelling and tweeting “Fake News!” He’s even gone so far as to focus his attacks on specific journalists. The media, is to him, the epicenter of an all-out political ‘witch hunt’, one of his favorite terms. He lies at will, he’s never to blame, and he’s always the victim. And don’t even get us started on his combover, or his wife....

Yemeni Children Get Creative in Attempt to Grab America’s Attention

Yemeni Children Get Creative in Attempt to Grab America’s Attention

A group of starving Yemeni eleven-year-olds are attempting to create a giant solar eclipse made of cardboard and flashlights, with the purported intent of getting Americans to finally start reporting news about their country. The kids started collecting materials from dumpsters and refugee camps on Monday, after realizing that the solar eclipse was prompting journalists to stop incessantly reporting on Trump for the first time in two years. “We don’t have a school science fair, because, well, we don’t have...

ISIS Makes Good on Threat of Attack of ‘Astronomical Proportion’ against US

ISIS Makes Good on Threat of Attack of ‘Astronomical Proportion’ against US

Islamic State has issued a public statement claiming responsibility for an attack of ‘astronomical proportion’ against the United States, ‘from coast to coast’ on 21 August. According to one ISIS spokesperson, the organization has taken full responsibility for the recent solar eclipse. Military defeats in Iraq and increasing pressure on territorial bases in Syria have led the group to seek new avenues of assault. Sources close to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, told The Mideast Beast that their...

ISIS Behind Student Loans; Financial Jihad to Break the American Spirit

ISIS Behind Student Loans; Financial Jihad to Break the American Spirit

Captured ISIS Commander of the “Curvy Virgins in the Garden of Allah Battalion” has revealed that they are behind a financial-terror campaign in the form of Predatory Student Lending Funds, which have mushroomed in popularity since January 2017. In what CIA agents have dubbed “the burger-flipping-shame jihad,” it appears ISIS has sought to target “Trump’s dumb-ass America” through predatory student loans for for-profit universities. Abu al-Jizbodi, a professor of American studies at Al-Azar university, told reporters, “By working for minimum...

Alt-Right Hits Streets of Jerusalem

Alt-Right Hits Streets of Jerusalem

Inspired by Charlottesville, the Middle East’s alt-right took to the streets of Jerusalem yelling “make the Middle East great again” whilst waving flags from the Roman Empire.  Some of the marchers were even seen carrying Gladius swords clearly meant to intimidate Jews and Muslims who were slaughtered during the ancient historical period. One of the organizers commented, “We just want to go back to a time before all of this two-state solution bullshit, where there was one state – a...

Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team

Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team

Saying that only the Qataris understood what it was like to be isolated because of one’s political beliefs, former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has signed a one-year deal with the embattled Middle Eastern nation. The signing comes after Kaepernick, who made headlines for refusing to stand for the national anthem, has struggled to find an NFL team willing to sign him. But in Qatar, the embattled former Super Bowl quarterback was welcomed with open arms. “We believe this...

KKK: “We’re Freedom Fighters, Not Terrorists”

KKK: “We’re Freedom Fighters, Not Terrorists”

BUMFUKBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA – Former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke has released a plea for empathy to FOX News earlier today. “The KKK are not terrorists. We are freedom fighters lawfully resisting the illegal occupation of our Beloved South, and the genocide of the Indigenous Whites. “The real terrorists are the Zionists, Black Lives Matter people, and Antifa, who are destroying our statues and monuments that sustain our cultural and historical heritage. To remind everybody, the Confederacy was unlawfully invaded...