The Mideast Beast is announcing several cutbacks following the continued buffoonery of President Donald Trump. Although the President has condemned the publication as “fake, maybe even the fakest news”, it was not his censure, but his actions, which have led to the dramatic restructuring at The Mideast Beast. Senior Researcher at the Washington Institute of Funny Shit on the Internet,...
President Donald Trump’s search for “the perfect deal” in the Middle East took an early blow when he discovered that the Gaza Strip has nothing to do with strippers. In a leaked recording by an aide, the President was heard reprimanding the Israeli policy on Gaza’s “pole and lap dancers”. Upon correction, the fury soon subsided, and disappointment took hold....
Following the example of Ted Cruz – conservative US Senator and man that attempted to pass legislation that would ban jerking off – many teenage boys from Saudi Arabia have attempted to blame their inadvertent clicks on porn pics on Twitter and adult websites on household staff. Senator Cruz’s twitter account appeared to favorite a pornography account last year, but...
The recently discovered cavity in the Egyptian pyramids contained an ancient relic, archaeologists have revealed. Dr. Jackie Jackson, who led the research organized by BATY, the British Archaeological Team Youth, told The Mideast Beast: We found this mysterious item called a ‘Blackberry’. Apparently, they were very popular in the past, but it must’ve been well before my time.” “The Mummy...
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has revealed that his organization will suspend all planned attacks on the UK to honor Prince Harry’s engagement to his new fiancée , American actress Meghan Markle. “Monarchy is so irrational, but I can’t help but buy into it. The castles, the crowns, the princesses. I just love it. When it comes to the British...
The confusion over the whereabouts of Lebanese Prime Minister Saad Hariri has been resolved unexpectedly after he was found on holiday in Disney World Orlando. The Prime Minister was said to have fled Lebanon “in fear of his life” due to the growing influence of Iran-backed Hezbollah in his country, though the Iranians claimed he was being held against his...
A Palestinian-American has been stranded in the suburbs of Detroit after boycotting his Israeli GPS app midway through his journey. Farid Sabur and his family were heading for Lake Michigan from their New York City home when he decided to explore the settings on his GPS app, Waze. To his shock, he found that the app was produced in Israel....
In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, a tearful Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, has allegedly claimed that Harvey Weinstein touched him inappropriately. This comes amidst a new wave of accusations against the powerful Hollywood producer. The account provided by al-Baghdadi was harrowing: “He invited me into his office to talk about a biopic of my life....
Couple’s therapy was responsible for the reconciliation of the two dominant Palestinian factions, Fatah and Hamas, The Mideast Beast can reveal. Egyptian President el-Sisi lured Mahmoud Abbas, the Chairman of Fatah, and Ismail Haniyeh, the Chief of the Political Bureau of Hamas, to a luxury spa in Cairo with the promise of a “well-deserved holiday”. They were both shocked to...
King Salman’s revocation of the controversial driving ban for women has backfired with the swiftest revolution in the Middle East to date. Just hours after the driving ban was lifted, women converged on major locations across Riyadh. Fatima Al-Fatima, the leader of the revolt, spoke from the royal palace: “We have been practicing on our husband’s dune buggies and golf...
With limited international support for the unilateral referendum for an independent state, the leader of Iraqi Kurdistan Massoud Barzani has desperately invoked the rules of ‘shotgun!’ in his bid to create an independent Kurdistan. At a regional conference, the topic was raised, only to be dismissed outright in mad laughter by Iraq, Iran, and Turkey. This led Barzani to lose...
Following increasing pressure on its strongholds, ISIS has decided to hand out feedback forms to its residents. ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, wrote a foreword to the form: “Thank you for going on this magnificent journey with us. We want to ask our Muslim brothers to just take five minutes out of their day to give some honest feedback on...
The Israeli Defense Forces have disclosed that their state-of-the-art missile defense system is operated by fat Israeli kids playing video games. The Iron Dome system, which accurately targets enemy missiles and destroys them in mid-air, is one of Israel’s major defensive advancements of the past decade. Gadi Eizenkot, the Chief of Staff gleefully explained the process to TMB: “We link...
Islamic State has issued a public statement claiming responsibility for an attack of ‘astronomical proportion’ against the United States, ‘from coast to coast’ on 21 August. According to one ISIS spokesperson, the organization has taken full responsibility for the recent solar eclipse. Military defeats in Iraq and increasing pressure on territorial bases in Syria have led the group to seek...
The ISIS gunman was neutralized last night at a bus station in Mosul after passers-by, and a dog rapidly converged on him. When asked to comment on the incident, the President denounced the attacker and the victims in the same breath: “Obviously, ISIS are bad guys, but what about those who tried to stop them? There was this one guy who ripped...
American sprinter Justin Gatlin, who took the gold medal at the World Athletics Championship, defeating Usain Bolt in the world-record holder’s final race, has been recruited to the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. Gatlin was flattered when Ayatollah Ali Khamenei came to him personally, wielding the athlete’s favorite chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. Although Gatlin was made to publicly renounce his...
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has confessed that Israeli territorial expansion has occurred because of a long-held misunderstanding about the word ‘settlement’. Netanyahu came clean about his error at a press conference yesterday: “I always thought John Kerry was giving me mixed messages. One minute he was telling me that we must reach a ‘settlement’, but the next he was telling me...
A significant rise in international condemnation following Operation Protective Edge has led Netanyahu to fire the man who named the military operation. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, the Israeli premier stated that “Operation Pillar of Defence definitely made it seem like Hamas started it. Protective Edge? We’re not Durex. Of course, we are going to lose the Western...
