Jonjo Ambers

 

Kurds Invoke Rules of ‘Shotgun!’ for Creation of New State 

Kurds Invoke Rules of ‘Shotgun!’ for Creation of New State 

With limited international support for the unilateral referendum for an independent state, the leader of Iraqi Kurdistan Massoud Barzani has desperately invoked the rules of ‘shotgun!’ in his bid to create an independent Kurdistan. At a regional conference, the topic was raised, only to be dismissed outright in mad laughter by Iraq, Iran, and Turkey. This led Barzani to lose his cool, and shout at other leaders: “We called shotgun on this land, so good luck trying to overturn that...

As the Caliphate Collapses, ISIS Hands Out Feedback Forms to Residents 

As the Caliphate Collapses, ISIS Hands Out Feedback Forms to Residents 

Following increasing pressure on its strongholds, ISIS has decided to hand out feedback forms to its residents. ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, wrote a foreword to the form: “Thank you for going on this magnificent journey with us. We want to ask our Muslim brothers to just take five minutes out of their day to give some honest feedback on the regime. We want to make things as good as possible for our residents, within our parochial and rigid interpretation...

Horny Saudi Teens Blame Staffers for “Liking” Porn on Twitter

Horny Saudi Teens Blame Staffers for “Liking” Porn on Twitter

Following the example of Ted Cruz – conservative US Senator and man that attempted to pass legislation that would ban jerking off – many teenage boys from Saudi Arabia have attempted to blame their inadvertent clicks on porn pics on Twitter and adult websites on household staff. Senator Cruz’s twitter account appeared to favorite a pornography account this week, but the blame has since been shifted onto his staffers. “This excuse is the first good thing to come out of...

Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business

Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business

The Mideast Beast is announcing several cutbacks following the continued buffoonery of President Donald Trump. Although the President has condemned the publication as “fake, maybe even the fakest news”, it was not his censure, but his actions, which have led to the dramatic restructuring at The Mideast Beast. Senior Researcher at the Washington Institute of Funny Shit on the Internet, Dr. Fanny Josiah, stated in a research report that The Mideast Beast has got off lightly, as satirists worldwide have...

Israel Reveals Missile Defense System Operated by Fat Kids Playing Video Games

Israel Reveals Missile Defense System Operated by Fat Kids Playing Video Games

The Israeli Defense Forces have disclosed that their state-of-the-art missile defense system is operated by fat Israeli kids playing video games. The Iron Dome system, which accurately targets enemy missiles and destroys them in mid-air, is one of Israel’s major defensive advancements of the past decade.  Gadi Eizenkot, the Chief of Staff gleefully explained the process to TMB: “We link up their PlayStations and X-Boxes to our national defense system. It’s a great way to save money on staff, plus...

ISIS Makes Good on Threat of Attack of ‘Astronomical Proportion’ against US

ISIS Makes Good on Threat of Attack of ‘Astronomical Proportion’ against US

Islamic State has issued a public statement claiming responsibility for an attack of ‘astronomical proportion’ against the United States, ‘from coast to coast’ on 21 August. According to one ISIS spokesperson, the organization has taken full responsibility for the recent solar eclipse. Military defeats in Iraq and increasing pressure on territorial bases in Syria have led the group to seek new avenues of assault. Sources close to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, told The Mideast Beast that their...

Trump Criticizes “All Sides” in the Prevention of an Attempted Shooting by Islamic State

Trump Criticizes “All Sides” in the Prevention of an Attempted Shooting by Islamic State

The ISIS gunman was neutralized last night at a bus station in Mosul after passers-by, and a dog rapidly converged on him. When asked to comment on the incident, the President denounced the attacker and the victims in the same breath: “Obviously, ISIS are bad guys, but what about those who tried to stop them? There was this one guy who ripped the assailant’s shirt when he tried to disarm him. Another kicked him in the nuts. The code of conduct between...

Iranian Revolutionary Guard to Recruit Justin Gatlin as New Weapon

Iranian Revolutionary Guard to Recruit Justin Gatlin as New Weapon

American sprinter Justin Gatlin, who took the gold medal at the World Athletics Championship, defeating Usain Bolt in the world-record holder’s final race, has been recruited to the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. Gatlin was flattered when Ayatollah Ali Khamenei came to him personally, wielding the athlete’s favorite chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. Although Gatlin was made to publicly renounce his gold medal and the ‘American decadence’ it stood for, he said the Khamenei gave him “an offer he couldn’t refuse”....

Trump Angered to Learn That the Gaza Strip Has Nothing to Do with Strippers

Trump Angered to Learn That the Gaza Strip Has Nothing to Do with Strippers

President Donald Trump’s search for “the perfect deal” in the Middle East took an early blow when he discovered that the Gaza Strip has nothing to do with strippers. In a leaked recording by an aide, the President was heard reprimanding the Israeli policy on Gaza’s “pole and lap dancers”.  Upon correction, the fury soon subsided, and disappointment took hold. “It’s been really hard work. I thought going to Gaza to see some strippers was going to be a nice...

Israel Cites Misunderstanding Over the Word ‘Settlement’ For Continued Expansion 

Israel Cites Misunderstanding Over the Word ‘Settlement’ For Continued Expansion 

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has confessed that Israeli territorial expansion has occurred because of a long-held misunderstanding about the word ‘settlement’. Netanyahu came clean about his error at a press conference yesterday: “I always thought John Kerry was giving me mixed messages. One minute he was telling me that we must reach a ‘settlement’, but the next he was telling me to halt all ‘settlement’ activity. I was caught between a rock and a hard place, and I didn’t want to...

Netanyahu Gets Rid of Guy Who Names Military Operations

Netanyahu Gets Rid of Guy Who Names Military Operations

A significant rise in international condemnation following Operation Protective Edge has led Netanyahu to fire the man who named the military operation. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, the Israeli premier stated that “Operation Pillar of Defence definitely made it seem like Hamas started it. Protective Edge? We’re not Durex. Of course, we are going to lose the Western public with misnomers like that. Personally, I’m a sucker for Operation Wrath of God. Now that was a classic.” Khaled...