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Eyeing Pennsylvania’s Syrian Voters, Clinton Recalls “Fleeing Chicago Sniper Fire as Child Refugee”
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Eyeing Pennsylvania’s Syrian Voters, Clinton Recalls “Fleeing Chicago Sniper Fire as Child Refugee”

ALLENTOWN, PA – At a rally in America’s ‘Little Syria,’ Hillary Clinton once again reaffirmed her reputation for saying or doing absolutely anything to get elected. “I’ll never forget that harrowing day when we fled violence-plagued Chicago for the safety of the suburbs,” a teary-eyed Democratic U.S. Presidential frontrunner told the crowd ahead of the Keystone State’s Tuesday primary. “And the...

Netanyahu Tasks Ben Carson with Protecting Jerusalem

Netanyahu Tasks Ben Carson with Protecting Jerusalem

After Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson’s bold declaration that he would have attacked the gunman in the Oregon school shooting, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Carson has been brought to Jerusalem and tasked with protecting the city in the wake of a series of terror attacks. “It takes great courage to speak about acting heroically in the face of danger,”...

Madonna to Adopt One Israeli, One Palestinian Child

Madonna to Adopt One Israeli, One Palestinian Child

Just a few weeks after reports surfaced that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are in the process of adopting a boy from war-torn Syria, Queen of Pop Madonna – already mother to two adopted children from Africa – is reportedly looking to adopt two more, this time from the volatile holy land. According to reports on various celebrity news sites,...

U.S. Releases Israel’s Worst Spy, Ever

U.S. Releases Israel’s Worst Spy, Ever

In most professions, the better someone is at what they do, the more well known they become.  In fact, this is the goal for many careers, such as acting, playing basketball, or even writing for a website focused on satirizing one oddly specific and batshit crazy part of the globe.  However, one career path where the absolute opposite is true...

Third World Leaders Congratulate Netanyahu After UN Names Israel Worst Human Rights Violator

Third World Leaders Congratulate Netanyahu After UN Names Israel Worst Human Rights Violator

After the UN’s World Health Organization declared Israel the world’s top violator of health rights, world leaders from throughout Africa, Central Asia and the Middle East congratulated Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu on his country’s impressive feat. The designation has earned Netanyahu the admiration of dictators throughout the world, as the Israeli premier has suddenly become one of the...

President of Turkey Shocked to Learn Most Americans Already Know About Genocide Against Native Americans

President of Turkey Shocked to Learn Most Americans Already Know About Genocide Against Native Americans

At a press conference called to condemn Pope Francis for saying that Turkey did ‘you know what to you know who,’ Turkish President Recep Erdogan was surprised to learn that most Americans know of their nation’s genocide against millions of Native American. A reporter questioned Erdogan about the Turks continual refusal to accept their intentional killing of 1.5 million Armenians...

New WikiLeaks Documents Reveal Saddam Hussein’s Love for Israel

New WikiLeaks Documents Reveal Saddam Hussein’s Love for Israel

Recently leaked correspondence between Saddam Hussein and his henchmen suggest that the late Iraqi dictator had a serious crush on Israel, a country he terrorized with SCUD missiles and whose enemies he publicly supported for decades. “I wish I knew how to quit her. So petite, with that perfect, slim waist and sparkling personality. Israel is just this side of...

One Old Windbag With a Bad Combover Speaks to Congress About a State Most Americans Don’t Care or Feel All That Strongly About: Why is this news?

One Old Windbag With a Bad Combover Speaks to Congress About a State Most Americans Don’t Care or Feel All That Strongly About: Why is this news?

Tuesday marked the day that Prime Minister Netanyahu officially joined the ranks of America’s most maligned inhabitants: Congressional Representatives. These beings, who according to myths of old, are put in office to make laws, are usually old, out-of-touch, and old. Why Netanyahu wants so badly to rub elbows with these pathetic souls is a mystery, but the fact remains that he...

Arab League Decree: Israelis Do Not Exist

Arab League Decree: Israelis Do Not Exist

In a bizarre twist today the Arab League voted almost unanimously to extend their ‘Israel does not exist’ policy beyond the government. In a statement to the press earlier today the League stated, “If Israel doesn’t exist, then it follows logically that people from there don’t exist either. We will return to business with this conclusion in mind.” This decision...