In what clearly had no correlation whatsoever with their criticism of the government, this month a slew of Russian doctors found themselves mysteriously ejected from windowsills. After a thorough and independent evaluation of the events, Russia’s top doctors established that defenestration is a shocking new symptom of the novel coronavirus.
Similarly – to how frequent exposure to the virus can increase the likelihood of serious symptoms such as a high fever, a dry cough, and rank looking feet known as “COVID toes” – Russian experts found that those spending too much time complaining to foreign news outlets saw a strange yet dramatic increase in lesser known symptoms such as paranoia, feeling as if one is being watched, or being poisoned by your own cooking, and in some extreme cases falling out of windows.
“This study has totally changed our approach to the lockdown,” said a spokesperson from the Putin Institute for Preventative Healthcare. “Thanks to our “new” tracing apps we can tell who has been spending too much time talking to news outlets, thus increasing their likelihood of contracting this deadly strain. Then we can ensure that they are separated from their children and sent off to Siberia to self-isolate properly. This will be a huge stride in keeping people safe.”
Despite citizens feeling worried that they might fall victim to this new symptom, the Russian Health Ministry assured them that so long as they wore a face mask and a heart-shaped pendant of Putin at all times, the likelihood of falling out of windows is very low. However, if they felt a specific brain problem, such as a critical idea, they should contact the authorities immediately for their own safety and of course for the safety of their families.
