Following consecutive failures at getting coronavirus tests to the population, certified millennial Jared Kushner is launching the most accessible test yet: a Buzzfeed quiz.
“I took a Buzzfeed quiz while on mute during a Situation Room zoom call last week, and it told me if I could be any cheese from Harry Potter I’d be a Slytherin Roquefort,” announced Kushner from the Rose Garden. “That seemed pretty accurate, so then I thought, woah what if it could tell if I have Coronavirus? Genius, right? Right? Please validate me.”
The prototype test, released to the press last night, contains a series of multiple-choice questions such as: “One symptom of the virus is lack of taste. If you lost your taste tomorrow what would your last meal be? A) a burrito bowl from Trump Tower B) a Trump steak C) eating out of the palm of my (Jared’s) hand D) bat soup”. Also, “high fevers can impair judgement. If there was an election tomorrow who would you vote for? A) Republican B) Libertarian C) Communist traitors D) Election? Voting is soo 2016.” And lastly ,“if I got a tik-tok would you guys watch it? A) yes B) of course C) duh! You’re so relatable and cute D) I hate my country.”
In less than five minutes the quiz can tell someone if they are infected and what shade they should bleach their hair.
Although Buzzfeed is not allowed to give real medical advice, Kushner has ensured that everyone who tests positive is given unlimited views on videos about the beauty of laissez-faire capitalism until they die.