Saudi Crown Prince Releases COVID-Safe Guidelines on Murdering Political Opponents

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In an effort to follow Word Health Organization (WHO) regulations on avoiding close personal contact, especially any exchange of bodily fluids, the Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS), announced today a new set of safety guidelines on how to murder political opponents without contracting the novel coronavirus.

The guidelines encourage all contract killers to pause their usual techniques of brutal dismemberment in favor of more sanitary killings that can be done from at least six feet (2 meters) away. Murderers for the Kingdom are also urged to avoid all forms of strangling, mutilating, and/or beating to death. However, if they are forced into a situation in which these hand-to-throat options are required, they should wear a pair of disposable latex gloves, a 3-ply surgical mask, and goggles, if possible.

Additionally, all political enemies held hostage in hotels are to be placed in their own rooms for fourteen to an-indefinite-number-of days to avoid spreading the virus to others.

In terms of economic planning, along with doctors and oil rigs, contract killers are currently deemed ‘essential’ by the state and have nothing to fear from a recession.

Following the press conference, MBS sent out a reminder to all citizens stating, “You can reach twenty seconds while washing your hands by either singing Happy Birthday twice, or saying Death to Israel ten times, it’s your choice, but we are listening. And, if you do happen to have the virus, please self-isolate for fourteen days before criticizing the government. Do your part to avoid infecting those who are protecting the Kingdom from your icky kafir germs.”

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