Karen Johnson
Hamas Feels Betrayed as Israel Cheats with Islamic Jihad
Following the recent targeted killing of a high-ranking leader of Palestinian militant group Islamic Jihad, violence erupted as the terrorist organization and the IDF traded blows. While the media portrayed both sides as being victims of violence and extremism, it seems as if the true victim in this conflict has somehow been passed over: a heartbroken Hamas. Late last night the Islamist group-quasi government in control of Gaza took to the internet to express its sorrows, “It’s not like we...
Former Al Qaeda Jihadist Disappointed He Didn’t Qualify for Veterans Day Sales
Calling it a “disgusting act of Islamophobia,” former Al Qaeda jihadist Mohammad al-Baktar, who now refers to himself as Martin Brown, was rejected from participating in any of his local malls’ Veterans Day sales. “I cannot believe that this is happening in 2019,” Mr. Brown said during an interview with one reporter from The Mideast Beast. “Back in Afghanistan I was promised the perks of martyrdom, which I guess is good after death. However, I came to the United States...
Hamas Calls Weekend Rockets “Interactive Fireworks”
Following this weekend’s barrage of rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, a Hamas spokesperson has stated they were simply celebratory fireworks. “I would like to clarify a misunderstood situation,” the spokesperson wrote on his Facebook timeline. “The Palestinian people were simply overjoyed about the past few months of calm. Some of our citizens were so happy that they had decided to launch celebratory fireworks, an interactive lightshow if you will. Interactive fireworks are a classic in Palestinian culture.” This wouldn’t...
Kurds to Carry Out Mass Suicide as Revenge on Trump’s Syria Withdrawal
Billing it as the biggest “fuck you” of the century, Kurdish president Nechirvan Barzani announced that all Kurds will take part in a mass suicide parade to be held outside some U.S. Morning Show over the weekend. “In response to Trump abandoning us, all Kurds are advised to kill themselves and their children publicly this Saturday, just to double check that President Trump really doesn’t give a shit,” Barzani posted on Facebook. “We’re pretty sure that Trump left us to...
Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei Impeached for Attempted Nuclear Program
Calling it a “huge surprise” and a “shocking news,” an Iranian government spokesman announced on Wednesday the impeachment of the Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei. The news comes following the discovery that Khamenei had been planning to use the nation’s uranium enrichment plants to develop weapons of mass destruction. Khamenei has a long history of denying such intentions, however, the possibility of him lying has never been thought of as a serious threat by the international community. It’s not surprising,...
Trump to Withhold Aid Until Israel Opens More Hummus Joints
Calling it a “hard but necessary threat,” President Donald Trump confirmed he had spoken with Israeli (sorta) Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu regarding the possibility of withholding foreign aid from the Jewish State. The phone call covered many security issues in the region, including increased Iran and Hezbollah activity. However, according to an official transcript released by the White House, Trump identified the biggest threat to the region’s stability as the decline in the number of hummus joints found in the...
Strange Glowing Light Proves Aliens Really Hidden in Iran, Not Area 51
Following what was supposed to be the biggest revelation of the century, millions of people following a Facebook event that pledged to raid Area 51 this weekend were disappointed to find out that the military base indeed held no extraterrestrial life. The United States Military released a statement following this weekend’s events to restate a claim they have repeatedly made clear: “There are no aliens at our base, stop messaging us on Facebook with your dumbass questions.” While many were...
Zionist Overlords Proud of Investment in Saudi Oil Attack
Following the alleged claims that Iran was behind last week’s attack on the oil production facilities in Saudi Arabia, the world’s Zionist Overlords admit that they, in fact, were the ones behind it all. “So we made a couple extra bucks on oil price increases, big whoop,” an Elderly spokesperson wrote in a tweet Monday night. “We never expected it to lead to Trump threatening war with Iran. That was just an added bonus.” In a tweet posted over the...
Assad to Send Humanitarian Aid to Bahamas
Calling it a “humanitarian crisis that even we can’t ignore,” Syrian president Bashar al-Assad announced this past Thursday that Syria will be sending humanitarian aid to the Bahamas in the aftermath of Hurricane Dorian. The move comes after the massive storm wreaked havoc on the island chain, destroying homes and infrastructure, leaving over 10,000 people homeless. “There is a humanitarian crisis in the Bahamas right now,” Assad said when announcing the move, “I cannot live with myself knowing that innocent...
Trump and Zarif Hammer Back Late-Night Drinks
Following the Group of Seven summit held in Biarritz, France, President Donald Trump and Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Zarif were caught taking shots at a local pub. The members of the summit, the world’s seven economically robust countries, were taken by surprise when Zarif attended as a special guest of French president Emmanuel Macron. During the first evening of the conference, however, while most delegates were asleep in their hotel, Trump and Zarif were caught ditching their security and running...
ISIS Takes Responsibility for Amazon Fires
Calling it one of their greatest attacks, ISIS claimed responsibility (as usual) for the forest fires that are wreaking havoc across the Amazon rainforest. “Today, the caliphate celebrates a great victory over the world,” former Caliph Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi announced in a live broadcast Thursday morning. “We can attack New York, Paris, and even Bowling Green as our al-Qaeda brothers have done..but today we celebrate victory over the whole world!” Over the past several days, many news sources have taken...
Jewish Democrats Pledge Support for Trump to Prove Loyalty
In the wake of President Trump’s latest statements regarding the Jews and Israel, many Jewish Democrats across the United States have taken to social media to pledge their full support to the President and his administration. “If you want to vote Democrat, you are being very disloyal to Jewish people and very disloyal to Israel,” the President said. “It’s almost as bad as a Mexican voting Republican. Stupid!” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who has claimed in the past to have Jewish heritage,...
ISIS Doctor Loses License for Actually Saving Life
Calling him “disgraceful” and “an infidel,” ISIS spokesman Abu Hassan al-Muhajir has announced the disqualification of Dr. Abu-Bakhr’s license to practice medicine. The decision to revoke his license comes after the surgeon provided life-saving intervention to a little boy suffering from tuberculosis. “Abu-Bakhr intentionally defied the protocol set in place to prevent this type of incident,” the spokesman said. “How are we supposed to kill infidels if we can’t even kill a child!” This wouldn’t be the first time an...
Linda Sarsour to Convert to Judaism After Learning Women and Arabs Serve in Parliament, Supreme Court, and Just About Everywhere Else in Israel
Known for her advocacy on women’s rights, Linda Sarsour has become a major leader in the world of feminism, and not loving Jews as much as their mothers do. However, earlier this week, Ms. Sarsour announced her plan to convert to Judaism. Sarsour told The Mideast Beast that she started thinking about her decision during the Israeli election process. She originally began following the elections on television in order to find criticism of the Jewish State, and also because it...
Trump to Annex Israel as 51st State
In a move the administration is calling “historic,” the Trump administration announced this morning that the United States of America intends on admitting the State of Israel into the Union by May of 2020 as the official the 51st State. “We already give them huge amounts of money each year” Trump said in a tweet following the announcement. “And everyone knows how much I love prime beach front real estate. This is going to be a great, great deal.” The...
Saudi Arabia Bans Use of the Word “Sportsmanship” Due to Gender Bias
Crowning itself the most gender-friendly country in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia has announced its intentions to free the kingdom of gender inequality. After granting women the right to drive last year, the Kingdom is determined to become a more welcoming place for people of all genders. Last week, King Salman announced his intentions to ban the word ‘Sportsmanship’ due to its clear gender bias. The derogatory word will be erased from all official texts, including school textbooks, and will be replaced...