2016 US Presidential Election

Trump: “Sanders Only Candidate Around When Hitler Was Alive and Did Nothing to Stop Him. I Would Have!”

Trump: “Sanders Only Candidate Around When Hitler Was Alive and Did Nothing to Stop Him. I Would Have!”

As the specter of a Trump Presidency creeps nearer and nearer, stinky and unwanted, like the aftermath of an especially beany taco Tuesday, the Orange American is keeping his foot on the gas.  Many had predicted that if The Donald even made it this far, he would have to tone down his rhetoric.  But that clearly isn’t the case, as in recent days he has teased his opponents, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, like they were nerds on a playground,...

Libyan Terrorists Blast Republicans for Politicizing Benghazi Attacks

Libyan Terrorists Blast Republicans for Politicizing Benghazi Attacks

Libyan terror group Ansar al-Sharia, which helped carry out the 2012 attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, lashed out at House Republicans this week after claims surfaced that a series of investigations into the attack were aimed at damaging Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “While we were initially pleased that Congress was holding so many hearings in response to the attack, we were disappointed and angered to learn that these hearings focused on Secretary Clinton’s e-mails rather than on...

ISIS Members Shocked by Brutal Videos from GOP Debates

ISIS Members Shocked by Brutal Videos from GOP Debates

A series of brutally graphic videos, such as this one or this one, depicting unspeakable carnage has begun circulating in Iraq and Syria, horrifying the countries’ leaders and citizens alike. “How could someone do such a thing to another human being?” ISIS executioner Abu Rumaysah asked after watching a shocking video of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump shouting over Florida Senator Marco Rubio. “Do these people really think their religion calls for this?” While Iraqis and Syrians have grown numb to news...

Following Obama’s Remark, 2016 Presidential Hopefuls Seek to ‘Out-Jew’ One Another

Following Obama’s Remark, 2016 Presidential Hopefuls Seek to ‘Out-Jew’ One Another

President Barack Obama’s claim that he’s “the closest thing to a Jew that has ever sat in this office” has both Republicans and Democrats running for the 2016 presidential nomination scrambling to highlight their Jewish ancestral roots. “I don’t really look like my brother or sister. And though I was raised in a Spanish-speaking home, I was never able to learn the language. Now, it all makes sense. I hereby proclaim that I am in fact the adopted son of prominent...

ISIS Offers Megyn Kelly Job as Caliph After Fox Host Scares Trump Out of Debate

ISIS Offers Megyn Kelly Job as Caliph After Fox Host Scares Trump Out of Debate

Following Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of Thursday night’s debate rather than face Fox News moderator Megyn Kelly, the Islamic terrorist group ISIS has offered Ms. Kelly the position as Caliph, or leader, of its organization. “Thanks to Allah, we have finally found someone who makes even the strongest of the infidel leaders tremble in his shoes,” one ISIS member wrote in a tweet. “We pledge bayat [allegiance] to Sheikh Kelly and ask her to come to...

ISIS Cuts Ties with Donald Trump Following Insensitive Remarks About Mexican-Americans

ISIS Cuts Ties with Donald Trump Following Insensitive Remarks About Mexican-Americans

In the latest setback for Donald Trump’s business empire, and no we’re not talking about Trump taking it in the pooper by Jon Stewart, the Islamic State has announced it will cut ties with the billionaire real estate mogul following his controversial remarks about Mexican immigrants. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced the terrorist group will destroy all Trump hotels in their territory. Additionally, ISIS fighters will no longer watch the Miss USA beauty pageant or wear turbans from the Donald Trump menswear...

Trump to Israelis: My Mexico Wall Will Put Your Pussy Fence to Shame

Trump to Israelis: My Mexico Wall Will Put Your Pussy Fence to Shame

NACO, AZ – After his recent call to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. led to global outrage and his rumored disinvitation by Israel’s prime minister from a scheduled late-December meeting in the Holy Land, Donald Trump has returned to a more familiar campaign theme. While in Naco, Arizona on his second such campaign trip to the U.S.-Mexico border, the Republican U.S. Presidential primary front-runner – after first citing “Israel’s terrific terror-fighting efforts” as his inspiration – then insulted its...

Hillary: Lube up, Donny Boy, ‘Cause on Election Day, I’m Going to Schlong YOU!

Hillary: Lube up, Donny Boy, ‘Cause on Election Day, I’m Going to Schlong YOU!

After Donald Trump said that she got “schlonged” by Barack Obama in the 2008 Democratic Presidential primaries (‘schlong’ is a Yiddish word for penis), Hillary Clinton has responded with even greater vulgarity. Taking to Twitter, the usually restrained Democratic front-runner made a series of lewd remarks-cum-threats to the characteristically unrestrained Republican front-runner, starting with: “.@realdonaldtrump Lube up, Donny Boy, because if you win the GOP primary, I’m going to give you the schlonging of your life come Election Day!” It was...

GOP Candidates: Transfer U.S. Muslims to Desert Reservation

GOP Candidates: Transfer U.S. Muslims to Desert Reservation

America’s three million-plus Muslim citizens should be forcibly relocated to a designated territory in the country’s West, according to a number of Republican U.S. presidential contenders. In a FOX News interview, GOP candidate Dr. Ben Carson said that, “in lieu of the ideal option – deporting all of the country’s Muslims back to where they came from – I propose creating a land-locked reservation for them within the U.S. to prevent future terror attacks on home soil.” Under Carson’s plan,...

Clinton to Donor: In Next War, I’ll Let Israel Kill 200,000, Not Just 2,000, Gazans

Clinton to Donor: In Next War, I’ll Let Israel Kill 200,000, Not Just 2,000, Gazans

Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton has penned a controversial letter to a major Jewish donor vowing to offer Israel “total” support in its next war with the Gaza Strip’s Islamist rulers. The leaked letter, sent last week to an Israeli-American media mogul, promises to allow Israel carte blanche in any future war with Hamas, including a presidential green light to kill nearly 10% of the enclave’s population. “Quite frankly, Israel didn’t teach Hamas a harsh enough lesson last year,” reads the...