Mantooth Gadfly

 

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS spokesman Abdullah da-Mullah has announced the cessation of military operations against the infidels (i.e. the world), in order to focus on a more deadly threat to the Islamic Caliphate. “We have directed our forces to halt their advance in both Iraq and Syria immediately.  All offensive units have been given new orders as of this morning,” said da-Mullah.  “The...

U.S. Democrats Seek Tips from Hamas on “Resisting Occupation”

U.S. Democrats Seek Tips from Hamas on “Resisting Occupation”

Following the surprise election of Donald Trump to be the country’s first ever hybrid President/CEO, the leaders of the Democratic Party have entered into an agreement with Hamas to receive training in armed resistance to an occupying power. ISIS could not be reached for comment, although it is understood that they were the second-lowest bidder behind the Palestinian amateur rocketeers. Senate...

ISIS Suspends Operations Amid Concerns over Environmental Impact
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ISIS Suspends Operations Amid Concerns over Environmental Impact

The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has announced suspension of offensive operations throughout the Near East, amid concerns over environmental impact on sensitive desert ecosystems. “I just LOVE those guys!” gushed Samantha Gulk, the Executive Director of the World Wildlife Federation (WWF). “They get it!  They really get it!” It is unclear if Ms. Gulk’s statement referred only to this...

Hillary Clinton Denies Having a Jewish Heritage; Admits to “Slight Resemblance”
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Hillary Clinton Denies Having a Jewish Heritage; Admits to “Slight Resemblance”

Former First Lady and Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton categorically denied being a member of the Chosen People of God over the weekend, saying, “I know I have the nose for it, and perhaps even the temperament, but I am in no way connected to those Jews.” Speaking at a ‘Friends of Saudi Arabia’ fundraiser, the former Secretary of State cited example...

Homeland Security Official: “Words are Just Collections of Letters.”
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Homeland Security Official: “Words are Just Collections of Letters.”

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced a policy revision that redefines the Webster’s Dictionary definition of “Border” to mean “something we don’t fucking care about.” Ted Schlubbernick, the First Assistant Secretary of Word Proctoring in the Directorate of Special Definition Projects for DHS declined to comment on the change, saying only “We own you!” before turning quickly on...

Archaeologists Make Major Discovery in Convenient Location
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Archaeologists Make Major Discovery in Convenient Location

Archaeologists working near the Temple Mount in Jerusalem have discovered remarkably well-preserved ruins that appear to predate both Jewish and Arab Muslim and Arab Christian settlements in the region.  Unable to immediately identify the origin of the structures, the diggers from the Israeli Department of Antiquities are presently focused on determining the functions that may have been performed at the...

Pope Declares Catholic Apostasy Punishable by Death
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Pope Declares Catholic Apostasy Punishable by Death

His Holiness, Pope Francis is set to return the Catholic Church to ‘good old fashioned values’ at the latest meeting of senior Catholic leaders discussing doctrinal changes next week. Sources close to the infallible funny hat-wearer indicate that he will announce that anyone seeking to leave the Church will be killed. While there is no love lost between Christians and...

International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife
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International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife

Business titan and inventor Elon Musk has applied his out-sized intellect to the millennia-long problems plaguing the Middle East, announcing through a spokesperson that he has a plan to eliminate “all strife in the Middle Eastern part of the world,” by Christmas. “Mr. Musk has been mulling this issue for some time now,” said one of his spokespeople.  “Mr. Musk is waaaay fucking...

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift
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CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

In a regrettable distraction from their coverage of Kim Kardashian’s booty size, CNN has been forced into numerous rewrites of a headline for their story on the murder of several Jews in Jerusalem. “Deadly attack on a Jerusalem Mosque” read the original headline, only to be followed by another beauty of a screwed up headline, “4 Israelis, 2 Palestinians killed...

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas has found himself in hot water recently as revelations regarding his investment portfolio were inadvertently made public through a glitch in his online trading account. Abbas apparently has investments in pork futures and a heavy stake in SodaStream®.  The transaction report – obtained by The Israeli Daily – reveals a pattern of aggressive investing in exclusively...