‘Lesjihadis’ Seize Saudi Embassy, Threaten to Kill Male Hostages

BEIRUT – Lesbian terrorists are vowing to execute 34 male diplomats if Saudi Arabia does not grant women and LGBT citizens equal rights, after storming the kingdom’s embassy in the Lebanese capital this morning.

Posing as a class of political science college students, dozens of female militants – who smuggled plastic guns in their orifices – seized the compound at 10:15 AM local time. After releasing all women, effeminate men and local cleaning staff, the so-called ‘Al-Kus Brigades’ (Pussy Brigades) swapped the Saudi flag in the embassy courtyard with a pink variant that features a double-headed dildo in place of the usual white sword.

The group then presented four key demands of Saudi authorities:

  1. Free all Saudis jailed for same-sex relations, extra-marital sex and ‘immodesty’
  2. Grant Saudi women full equality, including the right to drive and wear bikinis
  3. Legalize gay marriage, adoption and surrogacy, as well as sex reassignment therapy for trans Saudis
  4. Change the Arabic name for Thursday (Yawm Al-Khamiis) to Yawm Al-Kus (Pussy Day)

“It’s our God-given right to lick, finger, fist, fuck and all-round feast on as much holy vagina as we so desire,” the post continues, “and unless our demands are met in full, the hostages will be executed. You think ISIS and Game of Thrones are gruesome – ketchup with your char-grilled kebabs, anyone?”

Seemingly acknowledging that the deeply patriarchal and homophobic Saudi monarchy is unlikely to accede to their demands, the Al-Kus Brigades later issued another warning: “Our cause will not die here with us: scores of other Lesjihadi cells are ready to martyr themselves for our jihad of labial love – #AnnihilateSexualApartheid.”