Harry Palms

 

Santa’s Sleigh Lodged in Suez Canal
,

Santa’s Sleigh Lodged in Suez Canal

As if supply chain disruptions weren’t bad enough already, Tuesday evening Santa’s sleigh became jackknifed in the Suez Canal, blocking boat traffic indefinitely. While attempting to unload a pallet of PlayStation 5’s from a cargo ship for the few good Christian children in the Middle East, Donner and Blitzen backed up too quickly, tangled their reigns, and lodged Santa’s Sleigh...

After Botox Scandal, Saudi Camel Pageant to Focus More on Q&A Portion

After Botox Scandal, Saudi Camel Pageant to Focus More on Q&A Portion

This year’s King Abdulaziz Camel Pageant was rocked by scandal when 43 contestants were disqualified for using Botox injections and other cosmetic surgeries to enhance their appearance. In order to discourage other camels from making dangerous body modifications, officials have announced that, going forward, scoring will rely more on the question-and-answer portion, rather than a camel’s sheer sex appeal. “We...

Supply Chain Shortage Forces Taliban to Buy Gross Adult Wives

Supply Chain Shortage Forces Taliban to Buy Gross Adult Wives

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Supply chain issues, which have been taking a toll in countries around the world due to economic woes, worker shortages, and shipping delays, have now hit the wife market in Afghanistan. The shortage is getting so bad, that some Taliban men are even settling for grown, adult women. It’s especially difficult for those men who only have...

Lone Trick-Or-Treater Shows Up at White House

Lone Trick-Or-Treater Shows Up at White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Although Joe Biden and Dr. Jill Biden announced last week that they would be cancelling the annual Halloween trick-or-treat event at the White House this year, a lone trick-or-treater did show up at the White House door yesterday on All Hallows’ Eve. The unexpected guest wore a veiled black hood and carried a realistic looking sickle as...

Equality! Taliban Bans Biological Males and Biological Females from Participating in Women’s Sports

Equality! Taliban Bans Biological Males and Biological Females from Participating in Women’s Sports

Much like a six-foot tall Army Special Forces soldier wrestling a lady, sports organizations around the world have been wrestling with the contentious issue of transgender athletes in women’s sports. Those opposed to the idea argue that differences in size, hormones, and bone density make it unsafe for transgender athletes and cisgender athletes to compete against one another. While other...

White Girl Totally “Gets” Middle Eastern Culture After Trip to Dubai

White Girl Totally “Gets” Middle Eastern Culture After Trip to Dubai

“The Israel-Palestinian conflict really has no simple solution. Like, the West Bank kinda belongs to both Jews and Muslims,” Stacey Roberts of Burlington, Minnesota tells her Syrian hairstylist. And Stacey knows all about the Middle East – she just got back from Dubai. In July, Stacey and her BFF, Stacy, decided to visit Dubai after seeing it on “Keeping Up...

Breaking: Taliban Now Controls 12 Working McFlurry Machines Left Behind by U.S. Troops

Breaking: Taliban Now Controls 12 Working McFlurry Machines Left Behind by U.S. Troops

In another embarrassment for the United States, it was revealed on Monday that U.S. Troops left behind a dozen extremely rare, fully functional McDonald’s McFlurry machines in a hangar at Bagram Air Base. The machines were quickly seized by militants. As the Federal Trade Commission investigates why most McFlurry machines in America are currently broken, the oppressive and misogynistic Taliban...