Haya B. Seret

 

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

The tragic high school shooting in Santa Fe, Texas has pushed the NRA to its emotional brink. The rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness apparently do not apply to the nearly 50 million students in American public schools, but the obscure and outdated second amendment right remains unscathed. “It’s time something is done. Our years of thoughts and prayers have proven to be mere wastes of time, as they have not been coupled with action,” spokesperson Dana...

IDF to transfer Palestinian Sewage System to Terror Tunnels

IDF to transfer Palestinian Sewage System to Terror Tunnels

In an amicable gesture of peace and cooperation, Prime Minister Netanyahu is expected to announce the transfer of all Palestinian civilian sewage responsibility directly to Hamas’ expertly engineered terror tunnels. This olive branch, a giant leap forward in Israeli-Palestinian relations, seeks to mimic the same working relationship that Israel shares with Jordan. Netanyahu’s office released a supportive message on the matter: “It is important for Hamas to develop a strong sense of self-sustainability. What better way to promote a job...

BBC Mistakenly Publishes Video About Israeli Eurovision Winner Despite Occupation

BBC Mistakenly Publishes Video About Israeli Eurovision Winner Despite Occupation

The Israeli winner of the 2018 Eurovision contest has been riling up quite the media frenzy- not because of her weight, culturally appropriated performance, or raunchy feminist message. The BBC has mistakenly produced a video of the Israeli singer after her Eurovision win this weekend, which left out the vital messages of oppression of Palestinians and destruction of their homeland by Israelis. The BBC clarified their stance on accusations of anti-Semitism in the wake of the video: “Although we cannot...

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

A recently resurfaced interview from 2015 with hip-hop mogul DJ Khaled has sent shockwaves through the feminist community, particularly with organizers of the Women’s March who are convinced that all Arab men honor and respect their wives. Khaled, still not entirely sure why reciprocity in a relationship means performing oral sex, stands by his statement that “there are different rules for men”. His lack of actual talent did not deter the DJ from making comments on how women should, or should...

Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania

Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania

Last week’s denuclearization talks between North and South Korea went astonishingly well – so well in fact, the duo is offering hand holding-lessons to the US President and First Lady.   “Donald cannot just grab her by the hand,” said Kim with Moon nodding in agreement. “Melania should not want to defect from the marriage. Trump needs to read the potentially volatile situation and act on it accordingly.”   The suggestion for the troubled couple is backed up by the UN...

Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys

Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys

Following Kanye West’s most recent public psychotic break on Twitter, President Trump is invoking his authority as commander-in-chief to make a difference in urban America. In an unprecedented consensus across all branches, the US will effectively replace all military-issued footgear with Yeezys.  West, apparently under the influence of his ex-step-father-turned-ex-step-mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner, raged a hailstorm of tweets praising the President and asserting his autonomous right to free thought. The sudden support by West has rocked Black America’s political opinion, especially...

Nicaraguan Protesters Contact Mahmoud Abbas for Expert Rioting Advice

Nicaraguan Protesters Contact Mahmoud Abbas for Expert Rioting Advice

Nicaraguan protestors are turning to a new leader, who is an expert in attempts to suppress corrupt government oppression in a crap country where no one really wants to be anyway. “Abbas is the face of the longest-lasting civil protest of our time,” protestor Julio Gonzalez de la Peña stated between rounds of tear gas and pepper spray. “And it is our right as a disgruntled nation full of political corruption and little-to-no natural resources to protest.” As far as...

US Changes Imperial System To Still Not The Metric System

US Changes Imperial System To Still Not The Metric System

In a surprising development, President Trump, with the full faith backing of the EPA and Betsy DeVos, has moved to officially obliterate the Imperial Measurement System, to unequivocally ‘Make America Great Again’. The new measurements, categorized by the President personally , range in acute specificity from a “Sad Little Marco” to “Yuuuuge”. DARPA is the first government agency to test out the new units of measurement. A representative informed The Mideast Beast that the most recent number of missiles fired...