Israeli Prime Minister Donald Trump claims to have achieved “the “biggest win of my life” in the Israeli election, despite failing to secure a winning margin in order to form a viable majority government. He appointed an unknown bureaucrat Bibi Netanyahu as his anti-corruption speechwriter and Middle East Director of Annexation.
Prime Minister Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast, his second favorite Middle Eastern “fake news media” outlet after Al Jazeera.
“Today marks a new approach to the conflict between Republicans and Democrats. It’s time to officially recognize Mar-a-Lago as America’s ancestral capital. It’s the unofficial residence of the sesquipedalian and undisputed expert US President. Generations of Americans have concluded Thanksgiving with the pledge ‘Next year in Mar-a-Lago.’ I am therefore moving the Israeli embassy, from the insufferable undrained DC swamp, to Mar-a-Lago.”
Liberal political commentators lamented Trump’s victory as the “final death knell to the two-state solution of a PLO state and Hamas state peacefully strangling each other, side by side.” By contrast, conservative commentators cheered Trump’s victory, stating, “Israel finally got its first Prime Minister with balls since Golda Meir.”
Trump commented on his Israeli election “victory” and US-Israeli relations.
“Thanks to my recyclable genius, We turned the lemons into lemonade and then back to lemons. The unbreakable bond between Israel and America has never been stronger. It almost feels like a bromance business. He continued, “And you know my love of business. I will be the greatest jobs Prime Minister that God ever created. I will bring back our jobs back to our Holy Land from China, from Mexico, from Japan, from so many places. I’ll bring back our jobs and I’ll bring back our benjamins.”
Aiming to form a broad Israeli coalition government, Prime Minister Trump reached a deal with the conservative Russian immigrant party “Absolut Israel” running on a religiously vodka-friendly platform, led by a former nightclub bouncer.
Shockingly, far less people voted for Bernie Sanders’ post-Zionist neo-socialist party. Sanders shared his frustration with The Mideast Beast.
“Unfortunately, racist Israelis prefer a sexist bigot over a multiracial-aspiring post-Jewish 78-year old millennial socialist dreamer. Instead of embracing my free Gulag housing, Israel was seduced to the Dark side, led by a foul-mouthed Twitter addict”.