Ted Cruz Tried to Shoot Me with Space Lasers, AOC Reveals

Image credit: Matt Johnson, Flickr, taken on November 8, 2019, https://bit.ly/3aL8qWe

Senator Ted Cruz’s attempt to murder Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez did not end with the Capitol riot, the congresswoman revealed.

The Texas Republican also tried to shoot her down with a giant space laser, Ocasio-Cortez said in an emotional speech on the House floor.

“I was walking down the street in the rain the other day when I saw what at the time I thought was lightning strikes nearby,” AOC explained. “I believed it was just a natural occurrence until I heard about the Jewish space lasers that started the California wildfires.”

“And then it dawned on me,” she continued, fighting through tears. “Ted Cruz must have gotten control of the space lasers and used them to shoot at me. He almost murdered me again!”

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Ocasio-Cortez was joined on the House floor by Rep. Rashida Tlaib.

“Now I understand why Senator Cruz has constantly defended Israel,” Tlaib said. “He just wanted the Jews to let him use the space laser!”

As of press time, Ocasio-Cortez had accused several meteorologists of denying her lived experience after it was revealed that the lightning had in fact struck several miles away.

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