Trump Starves to Death After Restaurants Deny Him Service

Democrats retook control of all three branches of the US government over the weekend, as nearly all Republican leaders including President Trump were denied service at a number of local restaurants, and starved.

The effort was spurred by the owner of a Virginia Red Hen restaurant, who turned away Trump’s press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Once enough progressive restaurant owners joined the movement, it became impossible for anyone in Trump’s cabinet to find a restaurant to serve them, resulting ultimately in their death from starvation.

“All this time, we thought the way to beat Trump was to listen to our constituents, reach out to a wide swath of voters and put forward a persuasive argument,” one ecstatic Democrat told The Mideast Beast. “Man, don’t we feel dumb.”

The approach is now being replicated elsewhere in the world. Both the Kurds and Palestinians achieved statehood after refusing to sell falafel to anyone opposing their platform, though their leaders also starved after being refused service by the Turks and Israelis, respectively. Houthi rebels in Yemen also ended their military campaign when their leaders died of hunger, but this incident is believed to be unrelated to the boycott and instead a result of the lack of food in Yemen.