Iran Appoints Michael Moore as Soleimani’s Successor

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Iran’s Supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has appointed Michael Moore as Soleimani’s successor to head the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps. The dramatic move comes after Michael Moore recently apologized for Soleimani’s death on behalf of “millions of Americans.”

Ayatollah Khamenei told The Mideast Beast that he is not fooled by Moore’s “insincere” condolences: “Michael has been eagerly waiting to replace Soleimani for years after a progressively declining documentary making career. However, the Islamic Republic appreciates Michael Moore’s extensive experience in attacking America. I believe Michael has the qualities needed to inflict far more damage to America from within than Soleimani ever did from the outside.”

A deeply moved Michael Moore told The Mideast Beast: “This is a dream come true for any frustrated Trump critic. I have already asked AOC, Ilhan Omar, and Tlaib to join my new elite unhinged Dream Team.”

The Twitter account @almostrealDonaldTrump responded: “Dear Iranian people, it is not personal, it is strictly ‘drain the D.C. establishment swamp’ business.”