Gavin Newsom Orders Poor People Not to Celebrate Thanksgiving

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Remarking that his favorite restaurants may be forced to close if the indigent continue to spread the coronavirus, California Governor Gavin Newsom has issued an order banning poor and middle-class Californians from gathering for Thanksgiving.

Newsom said that the ban was necessary to prevent these citizens from passing the coronavirus to wealthy and politically connected government leaders and lobbyists. The governor also noted that his favorite restaurants may be forced to shut down if the state’s riffraff continue to pass along their germs.

“People have to understand that COVID-19 is a serious virus, and that their actions in failing to isolate and socially distance have consequences,” Newsom said in a press conference. “Just last week, I nearly had to cancel a much-anticipated $350 per plate dinner at The French Laundry. Is that something you want on your conscience?”

Newsom’s order institutes a strict lockdown beginning Wednesday morning, with exemptions only for citizens with salaries over $1 million per year or those who have donated at least $1,000 to his election campaign.

“We are all in this together,” Newsom said. “And if you all just buckle down and stay home for a few more months, we can survive this pandemic and I can make it through without having to cancel any more dinner reservations.”

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