Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida.

Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front of the crowd but was soon crushed by a mob of determined American shoppers.

“All he wanted was a Samsung 85-inch UHD TV so he could watch Youtube videos of his friends’  executions in high definition, and these primitive, barbarian shoppers trampled him to death,” said one of Baghdadi’s friends and fellow jihadis, who witnessed the event from the Walmart parking lot. “These Americans just have no respect for human life.”

The tragedy yet rose to another level as the television itself was also destroyed in the stampede.