America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

The US military has confirmed this week that the root of all the problems in the Middle East was that there just wasn’t a big enough bomb. Until now

US Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis commented, “I’ve been looking at this issue for some time, first in my role as Commander of CENTCOM and now as a senior advisor to the Toddler-in-Chief. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that we just weren’t dropping big enough bombs. This was really brought home to me earlier this week when the President authorized us to launch Tomahawk cruise missiles at Syria. Sure, they looked really cool but they made really small bangs. Unless of course, you happened to be standing under one, in which case for those people, well, you know.”

“But now in the beautiful shape of the Mother of All Bombs (MOAB), we have the solution. If I may a coin a phrase it is indeed ‘bigly’. We’ve run a test in Afghanistan and I’m pleased to say that shortly after it incinerated several dozen of their fighters, the Islamic State has thrown in the towel. Job done! The plan at present is to drop one on Libya this coming Monday, then two more on Iraq on Tuesday, followed on Wednesday by whatever we have left onto Syria. If all goes well we intend to solve the Arab-Israeli dispute by handing Israel and Egypt 50 MOABs each and letting them have at it. Frankly, I’m surprised we’re the first Administration to think of this.”