How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

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These days, many women walk around crowded marketplaces while wearing explosives-filled suicide vests looking for the best place to shout “Allahu Akbar!” and detonate themselves. Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them!

Of course, not all women wearing suicide vests are open to being approached, because not all women are looking to meet their soul mates right before their souls meet its maker.

However, if a woman wearing explosives is single, and not being pushed into carrying out a terrorist attack by a domineering male relative, she will usually be happy to pause her thumb on the detonator to give you an opportunity to create a spark with her. Which ironically may ignite the TNT anyway.

  1. Stand in front of her (preferably with one or two human shields between you).
  2. Have a confident, easy-going smile. Do not reveal the shaking of your hands or the fact you’ve already shit yourself.
  3. If she hasn’t noticed you yet, simply get her attention by screaming like an 8-year old girl at the nearest security guard.
  4. If she doesn’t remove her vest, just smile, point to the explosives and confidently ask, Never mind everyone else but can you please spare my life?”

Of course, if you notice that she doesn’t want to take off her explosives and doesn’t seem interested in delaying her ascension to heaven any further, just respect that, quietly turn around, and sprint like the fucking roadrunner.

While it’s perfectly normal for a man and a woman to talk to each other, it’s not appropriate or fair for a guy to annoy a woman who is trying to achieve martyrdom.