Walter Waters

 

Trump to Designate Wisconsin as Independent Kurdish State in Program Known as ‘Curds for Kurds”

Trump to Designate Wisconsin as Independent Kurdish State in Program Known as ‘Curds for Kurds”

President Trump has announced an initiative to set up a Kurdish state in the heart of America’s dairy land. Known as ‘Curds for Kurds,’ this program will allocate a large portion of the Western half of Wisconsin as an independent Kurdish state. He began, “It was so obvious to me, you know? They got curds already in Wisconsin. What’s a few more, am I right? What I don’t understand is why Switzerland and France haven’t gotten involved before. As I...

Trump on Jesus of Nazareth: “He Knew What He Signed Up For”

Trump on Jesus of Nazareth: “He Knew What He Signed Up For”

On Thursday Donald Trump issued another controversial and confusing tweet. Believing Madonna Louise Ciccone, famous for her 1984 hit “Material Girl,” to be the mother of Jesus of Nazareth, Trump tweeted “@madonna. Sorry to hear about your boy Jesus. But in all fairness, he knew what he signed up for.” The next day, the president attempted to clarify his comments, in a brief press conference. “Even though I prefer prophets who don’t get crucified,” he began, “I pledge to donate...

Gordon Ramsay Enlists MasterChef Contestants to Cook for Palestinian Prisoners

Gordon Ramsay Enlists MasterChef Contestants to Cook for Palestinian Prisoners

On the upcoming season of MasterChef, world-renowned chef, Gordon Ramsay has decided to take his contestants to Israel, in order win over the hearts and stomachs of hunger-striking Palestinian prisoners. “Is it really a hunger strike, if you’re being served rubbish? If they refused to eat my food, that would show some commitment.” Ramsay said, regarding his decision to film the episode. While the episode has yet to air, TMB was able to obtain some sneak peaks. In one clip,...

Bernie Sanders Successfully Negotiates Termination of Iranian Nuclear Program

Bernie Sanders Successfully Negotiates Termination of Iranian Nuclear Program

In a shocking turn of events U.S. Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders has succeeded in doing what no other U.S. politician could: diplomatically ending the Iranian Nuclear Program. Bernie explained in a recent CNN interview. “I got the idea from watching the very funny program, Curb Your Enthusiasm. So, I decided to contact my local Iranian consul. If Larry David can get out of a fatwa, surely Bernie Sanders can get the Islamic Republic of Iran to give up its...

Trump Rethinks Iran Sanctions Following Lemon Pound Cake with Chinese President

Trump Rethinks Iran Sanctions Following Lemon Pound Cake with Chinese President

Since before the election, President Trump has been talking a tough game on Iran, calling Obama’s concessions “terrible,” “very bad” and “sad.” However, after enjoying a “phenomenal” slice of lemon pound cake at the Mar-a-Lago resort with Chinese President Xi Jinping, he’s beginning to change his tune. “What’s clear to me, after talking to Xi…I feel like I can call him Xi after today, you know because he’s a very good friend of mine… my very favorite Chinese person and...

Abbas and Netanyahu Engage in Peace Talks over Cold, Refreshing Heineken Lager

Abbas and Netanyahu Engage in Peace Talks over Cold, Refreshing Heineken Lager

Following its successful ad campaign in which people with radically opposing views discuss their differences over a beer, Heineken International has decided to put it to the test on a geopolitical level. On Tuesday, Israeli Prime Minster, Benjamin Netanyahu and Chairman of the PLO, Mahmoud Abbas were seated at opposite ends of a bar, given a puzzle to solve together and rewarded with a six-pack of cold, delicious Heineken beer. Despite the initial awkwardness, the negotiations went surprisingly well.  While...