Syrian President offers Amnesty to Millions of Undocumented Immigrants Living in the U.S.

On Thursday, Syrian President Bashar Assad, offered amnesty to approximately 11 million undocumented workers and their families currently residing in the United States.

“More than 4.5 million refugees have fled Syria. My country is emptying out faster than a keg of shitty beer at a frat party. Anyone with a strong back and love for the great outdoors is welcome. While we can’t promise you a house to live in, our tents do come fully equipped with mosquito nets. As for the life threatening food shortage, we have found that drinking your own urine is a great, reusable source of energy. Let’s make Syria great again!” the Syrian leader said.

Both 2016 US presidential candidates responded to Assad’s audacious offer.

“Syria? Sounds foreign. Wherever this shit hole is, I support the wholesale expulsion of 11 million illegal aliens. However, to show how moderate I am and to get the swing vote in November, I insist that every single man, woman and child we kick out receive a complimentary Trump suit, dress or shirt. I love Hispanics!” Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump asserted.

“America, you can trust me to make a reasonable, informed decision on this issue of critical national importance. If that doesn’t work, I promise to have an explosive temper tantrum, kick Bill in his fucking balls, throw a vase at Debbie Wasserman Schultz and take an axe to my private server, The Shining style. I’ve dealt with many global crises in the same way,” Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton stated.