‘Why Can’t I Be Rocket Man?’ Iranian Leader Laments

By Official website of Ali Khamenei [CC BY 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Iran’s supreme leader is distraught over US President Donald Trump’s decision to dub North Korean strongman Kim Jong-un “Rocket Man,” saying he has long been gunning for that title.

“I have spent the better part of two decades building an illegal nuclear weapons and missile program, just so I could have a badass nickname,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “And Trump bestows this honor on that fat Korean infidel? Those damn Americans give us no respect.”

“I mean I don’t wish to be culturally insensitive but don’t those guys eat dogs? It’s like they’re living in the stone age. Here in Persia when we say, ‘stone age’ we’re talking about the midday session planned for some sodomites.”

Khamenei has responded to the snub by unveiling a new long-range ballistic missile capable of striking Israel. He has also reportedly invited Elton John to perform in Tehran.