Courtney Beejay

Courtney Beejay was born in a log cabin, and at age five told a lie about chopping down her family's cherry tree. After being set afloat on the Nile River in a basket of bullrushes and freeing the Hebrews from slavery, she attended Haverford University, mistakingly thinking it was Harvard.

She thinks the 'Epic of Gilgamesh' is a porn flick, and is totally gonna meet you for drinks at some point, but can we reschedule? Cause something just came up.

 

Elders of Zion Admit, “This Year’s US Presidential Candidates Were Not Our Best Choices”

Elders of Zion Admit, “This Year’s US Presidential Candidates Were Not Our Best Choices”

At their regular gathering inside a secret club at Mount Megiddo in northern Israel, the group of elderly male Jews who secretly control everything in the world mumbled to each other that, maybe, just maybe, they should have vetted a little better before appointing the next leader of the free world. “Hey, don’t blame me, I voted for the Jay-Z/Beyonce option,” muttered Rabbi Goldberg, Head of World Religions Manipulation Committee. Both the Leader of World Corporate Affairs and the Owner...

ISIS to End Attacks on U.S., Saying, “With Their Gun Violence, They’ve Got It Covered”

ISIS to End Attacks on U.S., Saying, “With Their Gun Violence, They’ve Got It Covered”

With an average of nearly one mass shooting a day in the U.S. during 2015, the Islamic State terrorist group has announced that it will cease all further attacks against the superpower. “It’s glorious – they are doing our job for us!” said ISIS spokesman Mahmud bin Ahmadi in a video posted online. “We were all set to boost recruitment of home-grown lone wolf martyrs in the U.S. – but it looks like we can just sit back and let...

After North Korea’s Alleged H-Bomb Test, Jewish News Feeds Flooded by Iran Comparisons

After North Korea’s Alleged H-Bomb Test, Jewish News Feeds Flooded by Iran Comparisons

In the wake of North Korea’s claim that it detonated its first hydrogen bomb, Jews around the world are witnessing the inevitable onslaught of friends’ social media posts frantically comparing the events in the isolated Asian dictatorship to the recent nuclear deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran. “Here it comes,” said Benjamin Steinblum, 20, of Long Island, as he scrolled through his Facebook feed and saw the usual multitude of engagement announcements replaced by reams of articles and posts...

ISIS Takes Credit for Massive Christmastime Storms over “The Infidelsphere”

ISIS Takes Credit for Massive Christmastime Storms over “The Infidelsphere”

The terror group ISIS has claimed responsibility for “wreaking havoc over the skies of the Infidelsphere” after a recent string of severe storms and floods ravaged countries across four continents. Since Christmas, widespread flooding has submerged large parts of the U.S., Britain, South America and Australia, driving hundreds of thousands from their homes. In the U.S. alone, record-breaking floods – as well as tornadoes – struck numerous Midwestern and Southern states, killing over 50 people and causing major damage to...