Saudis to Seek US Advice on Getting Enemies to Commit Suicide

Image courtesy of Florida Politics, 10 July 2019, at https://bit.ly/2NSxWB3

Nearly a year after his bungling execution of Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi drew international condemnation, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman is looking to his American allies for help in getting troublesome individuals to commit suicide.

Bin Salman’s appeal for help came after billionaire financier and sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his Manhattan jail cell after apparently hanging himself. Epstein’s death came amid speculation that he may implicate other powerful figures in the political and business world, including President Trump and former President Bill Clinton.

“I can’t tell you how nice it would be if I could just make anyone who gave me a headache go and off themselves in the middle of the night,” the crown prince explained. “You don’t know how gruesome it gets when you’ve got to strangle everyone you don’t like to death, and then chop up their bodies, and then dissolve them in acid.” 

Bin Salman offered the US billions in financial aid and billions more in weapons purchases if officials would simply reveal the trick to convincing one’s enemies or inconvenient friends to take their own lives without having to send in goons to destroy their body. But as far as Epstein himself is concerned, many members of the Saudi royal family were disappointed they were not able to befriend him before his untimely death. “He seemed like he would have really been a great guy to be friends with,” Bin Salman noted.