U.S. State Department officials are feeling the heat over a new policy to increase the use of euphemisms. “I’m tapped out,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “I can’t keep trying to come up with new ways to refer to Jews, Muslims, Christians, and those crazies who actually pay for porn on the Internet.”
In addition to the current policy, State Department officials are being asked to revamp their program so terms like ‘radical Islamic terrorists’ are changed to ‘quirky, passionate extremists’; “beheadings” are changed to ‘heart-mind separation’, and ‘innocent gunshot victims murdered at a kosher supermarket buying groceries for the Jewish Sabbath’ are referred to as ‘asking for it’.
Update: The term ‘quirky’ has been just changed to ‘adventurously-thinking’.
“It makes it really hard to explain what’s happening in Heaven’s Lobby,” complained State Department Spokeswoman Jen Psaki, using the updated phrase for the Middle East. “After Obama started calling the kosher supermarket a ‘deli’, all of us had the same reaction. There’s no way we can do that.”
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Ironically, White House euphemism use dates back to the 2008 election, when the standard term for referring to President Obama became ‘Covert Muslim extremist. “Priceless, just priceless. Couldn’t let that go to waste!” exclaimed the President.
The President is currently trying to update terms like ‘decapitating knife’ to ‘melon slicer’ and ‘Israel’ to ‘America’s ex-girlfriend’.