Lois Hulani is an Iranian-American correspondent for the Mideast Beast, having joined in early 2015 after working as Voice of America’s deputy Farsi editor for three years. The only daughter of celebrated political dissidents who fled Iran after the Islamic Revolution in 1979, Hulani was born and raised in Los Angeles, and as well as graduating summa cum laude from Yale, was a top U.S. breaststroker, winning* a Bronze Medal at the 2012 Olympics. In her spare time, Hulani invests a fortune of self-esteem into trying to please her future Jewish mother-in-law, as well as explaining to seemingly endless hordes of fellow Americans that being of ‘EyeRayKnee-ian’ descent is totally different to being a freedom-hating ISIS White Walker.
*Note: Hulani was stripped of her Olympic medal after famously flashing the cameras at London’s Closing Ceremony, rubbing together her left breast, painted in the U.S. flag, with her right one, daubed in Iran’s, for two entire minutes before being forcibly clothed by two clearly aroused IOC officials. Despite being banned from competitive swimming for life, Hulani has since described the incident as “entirely worth the ongoing daily onslaught of slut-shaming and death threats.”
“It all began when bābā told my big bro Bas that he’d one day inherit the entire Middle East, and all I’d get was crappy Palestine,” relays a tearful Bashar al-Assad in one of 200 shocking tapes leaked to TMB by the Syrian President’s once trusted psychotherapist. In the possession of Oxford-educated Dr. Abdul Bhulldustani – who met with President Assad every week from 2012 until fleeing Syria last month – are nearly 20,000 minutes of recordings that shed rare light...