In completely unsurprising and boring news, another Silicon Valley tech firm has bought yet another Israeli startup. CompletelyOverValued.com, an online retailer that focuses on selling random useless shit at a substantial markup and inconveniently delivering it in a weekly box to consumers’ doors, is buying Israeli startup Vinechat for the tune of $2 billion. Vinechat has a monopoly on the coveted college student vintner market, enabling budding winemakers to share detailed 6-second long instructional videos before they are erased from the recipient’s device.
“We really have no idea why they bought us,” said Vinechat CEO Hyman Hunter, “We just walked into the pitch room and told them we were Israeli. They broke out the cigars and wrote us a check on the spot. No questions asked.”
We asked CompletelyOverValued.com to elaborate on the strategy behind the decision. “Ummm, our strategy was to buy an Israeli company… Duh!” explained their CFO. “Every year we like to go on a company outing to our Scrooge McDuck vault, you know, to give our employees the chance to unwind and swim and ski through our piles and piles of VC cash. And we thought to ourselves, we need to look like we’re actually doing something with all this insane money. Why not buy a company! Google bought Waze. Apple bought PrimeSense. You can’t get taken seriously in Silicon Valley until you’ve shekeled up!”
The recent growth of startups around the world and their high valuations has led some analysts to believe that the industry is experiencing a financial bubble similar to the .com bubble of the late 1990s. The Mideast Beast wholeheartedly disagrees with this evaluation, and if anything thinks that now is the perfect time for investors to enter the market.
In a completely unrelated story, The Mideast Beast is in the process of its Series A financing and is seeking to raise $2.5 Billion in exchange for 1 whole percent of the company.